


forever going with the flow (but you're friction)

by krashlyntome (bestthreemonths)



Series: frictionverse [1]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-06-04 19:19:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 65,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6672232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bestthreemonths/pseuds/krashlyntome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ali Krieger does the single mom thing just fine on her own. "I got this" is her life motto, and she's determined to prove everyone who doubts her wrong. The supermom life leaves little time for dating or even new friendships, but the right people always have a way of sneaking in even when you aren't looking for them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. we show off our different scarlet letters (trust me, mine is better)

Ali Krieger has always had a love-hate relationship with Fridays. “Thank God it’s Friday” never really resonated with her growing up. Why should she be happy it’s Friday? You still have to go to school or work. Thank God it’s Saturday would be more appropriate, she thinks. Even thank God it’s Friday night. But in the past 15 months, her relationship with Fridays has gotten a lot more complicated.

“Sweetheart, we need to go!” Ali calls gently up the stairs to where her daughter is taking her sweet time packing her things for the weekend, despite the fact that she was supposed to be finished the night before.

This Friday is especially bittersweet, because even though it’s field day at Mackenzie’s school, meaning Ali gets to spend the whole morning with her, it’s also Brent’s weekend with her, meaning Ali won’t see her again till she picks her up after dinner Sunday evening.

“Okay, I’m ready, Mommy!” Mackenzie says, bounding down the stairs with her Star Wars suitcase in tow.

“Careful, you’ll dent the hardwood!” Ali says, knowing it’s pointless. Six-year-olds tend to take beautiful (and expensive) flooring for granted. “Do you have everything you need to take to Daddy’s?”

“Yes, I checked off the whole list,” Mackenzie says proudly.

“Good girl,” Ali says, squatting down to kiss her on the cheek. She lingers for a moment, breathing in her daughter’s familiar scent of no-tears shampoo and bubblegum toothpaste. Ali learned in the first few months of being separated from Brent that it’s the absence of the little things like her smell that makes the house feel enormous and empty on her weekends away. If Mackenzie notices, she’s intuitive enough not to say anything. 

“Mama, look,” Mac says, pulling away. She presses her tongue against her lower baby tooth, which has been loose for almost a week now.

“Oh, look at that,” Ali gasps dramatically. It’s the first tooth she’ll lose, and Ali has tooth fairy stationery all ready to go for when the time comes. 

“Do you think it’ll come out soon?” Mac asks. She’s the last kid in her class to start losing teeth, so she’s impatient to join the club.

“Any day now, baby,” Ali says, kissing her forehead. “Now come on, let’s get to school.”

~

Ali is the last of the lower school room parents to arrive, and though she isn’t late, her cheeks flush when she realizes. Every class has at least two room parents (usually a mom, but when a dad joined the mix they had to change the colloquial name), along with plenty of others who volunteer from time to time.

Ali became a room mom when one of the moms from Mackenzie’s kindergarten class got a more demanding job, and she’s loved it ever since. Her job allows her a lot of flexibility with hours, and she’d rather use her free time to spend more time with her daughter than most anything else.

Sometimes being the youngest of the moms and a single mom, at that, makes her feel awkward and out of place, but her co-room mom always goes out of her way to bridge the gap that could exist between Ali and the others.

“Ali!” Heather exclaims when she sees her. “Thank God, we need your expert opinion on something.”

Ali smiles as Heather starts to explain an obstacle course that they aren’t sure how to set up. She’s sure Heather could have figured it out herself, but it’s just so like her to know how to make Ali feel needed and distract everyone else from making snide remarks about her being late (which she almost never is, but private school parents can be cruel).

She ends up with the job of volunteer organizer, which she likes because it means she can make sure everything happens exactly as it should, and she gets to hang out at the sign-in booth with Heather and greet all the kids as they arrive.

Almost everyone has been checked off the list when Georgia, one of Mackenzie’s “best friends forever” (since the first day they met) runs up to Ali. Georgia was new to the school this year, which typically wouldn’t matter much in the first grade except that in such a small school where everyone knows everyone, word gets around.

It doesn’t help that her parents didn’t make it to meet the teacher night (“traveling on business,” was the word around school, though nobody can quite pinpoint what exactly they do, so Ali takes that rumor with a grain of salt) or the first PTA meeting. The kids certainly don’t care at that young of an age, but Ali makes sure to keep an extra close eye on her when she’s around school.

“Miss Ali!” Georgia exclaims, wrapping her arms around Ali’s waist.

“Hey, sweet girl!” Ali says, trying to match her excitement. “Miss Heather has your bandana.”

“Am I on Kenzie’s team?”

“You sure are,” Ali says, looking up to see a striking blonde woman looking nowhere prepared to be standing outside for hours on a sunny day in September in a tight black T-shirt and matching pants. Her T-shirt shows off a tattoo sleeve on one defined arm, and Ali smiles, pleased to be joined by someone who seems a little closer to her in age.

“G, go get your bandana,” the woman says softly, her hand on the little girl’s shoulder.

“You must be Georgia’s mom!”

“What? No,” the blonde laughs, pushing her sunglasses up so they’re resting on the top of her head. “Nanny. Ashlyn. Do I look that old?”

“Do I?” Ali asks, raising her eyebrows. “The one with the red ribbon in her braid is mine.”

“Oh, God, that’s not what I meant,” Ashlyn says. “I’m 26. Just not a teen mom.”

“I’m 28,” Ali says sharply, blood boiling. “Also not a teen mom.”

Ashlyn cringes. “Let me start over.”

“No need,” Ali says. “You’re late and we need to get started. Your station is tug of war.” She hands over a clipboard with a laminated sheet and an Expo marker. “This has the rules on it. I laminated it so it can be reused even if it gets wet or dirty, so please be careful.”

“Got it.”

“Oh, and Ashlyn?” Ali calls.

Ashlyn turns around expectantly.

“Young moms can be good moms too.”

~

When everything finishes, most of the parents find some excuse or another to leave, but Ali notices Ashlyn meticulously picking up litter around the field and walks over to bring her a garbage bag.

“Thank you,” Ashlyn says before looking up and seeing it’s Ali. She straightens up quickly when she does. “Hey, about before—”

“It’s okay,” Ali says. “I get it. I’m the youngest mom around here, at least the youngest who regularly volunteers. But I take being a mom really seriously. So sometimes I get defensive.”

“It makes sense,” Ashlyn says. “Any mom who takes the time to volunteer with a bunch of hyperactive six-year-olds is a hero in my book.”

Ali laughs. “You’re the one who does it for a living.”

“Yeah, speaking of,” Ashlyn says. “I figured out your daughter is Kenzie.”

“Yeah, Mackenzie,” Ali says, rolling her eyes. “She’s always been Mackenzie or Mac at home, then she came to school and on the very first day of kindergarten introduced herself as Kenzie.”

“Georgia gushes about her,” Ashlyn says. “I was really nervous about how she’d handle a new school and being the new girl and everything, but Kenzie—sorry, Mackenzie—really made her feel welcome. She says she’s her best friend.”

“Oh yeah, they adore each other,” Ali says. “Wait, so you were her nanny before she moved?”

“I’ve been with her since she was three,” Ashlyn says. “I moved with her family when they came here.”

“Wow, that’s a serious commitment.”

“They’ve become like my family,” Ashlyn says with a shrug.

Ali looks around at the field, seeing that they’ve finished picking up all that was left out. “I better go say goodbye to Mac before they finish lunch,” she sighs. She always dreads this part. Usually it’s when she drops her off for school, but today she’s just been delaying the inevitable.

“Well listen,” Ashlyn says. “If the girls ever want to get together for a playdate, let me know.”

“Yeah, definitely,” Ali agrees, only half listening by this point as she ties the garbage bag. The first few weekends away were hard, but she always assumed they’d get easier. They never do.

She only realizes once she gets home that she was so preoccupied thinking about what she can do this weekend to distract herself that she left without even thinking to exchange contact information with the maybe-not-all-that-bad nanny who stuck around to clean up.

~

Mackenzie loses her tooth Saturday night, and it hits Ali harder than she expected when Brent texts her to tell her. It had never even occurred to her that it could happen when Ali wasn’t around, that she wouldn’t be able to give her the magic of the tooth fairy, that Brent would give her ten fucking dollars for one tooth, something Ali will never be able to swing.

“So what happens when she figures out the tooth fairy is only generous when she’s at Daddy’s?” Ali hisses when she comes to pick her up the next evening, keeping her voice low so Mackenzie, who’s in the next room packing up her things, can’t hear.

“I didn’t even think of it, Al, I’m sorry,” Brent sighs. “I just got excited. We can tell her that the first tooth is worth the most.”

“Fine,” Ali says. “But if she loses another one here, I brought you stationery. Get Kimberly to write the notes because I know your handwriting is terrible.”

“Gee, thanks,” Brent laughs, taking the stationery. “Oh, speaking of, there’s a note for you in Mac’s folder. Well, there’s a note for a Mrs. Wise, anyway. I think it’s from one of her friends’ moms about scheduling a playdate.”

Ali laughs. That’s something she thinks will probably always come along with the territory of being a mom. Mackenzie doesn’t share her last name, but Ali doesn’t mind the common mistake anymore, at least not like she did when she and Brent first broke up.

“Make sure you hide the stationery!” Ali whispers when she hears the door to Mackenzie’s room close as she comes back out.

“I wasn’t born yesterday,” he says, thumbing through it before slipping it into a drawer. “This is very cool. You’re a really kickass mom, you know.”

“I know,” Ali says, grinning with her tongue between her teeth. “We make a pretty good parenting team.”

~

The note, Ali figures out upon arriving home and getting Mackenzie bathed and in bed, is from Ashlyn.

“Mrs. Wise,” it reads. “I forgot to give you my number before leaving! This is my cell, you can call or text me to set up a playdate. I know Georgia would love it.” At the bottom, she had written her number and a smiley face and signed it, simply, “Ash.”

She entertains the idea of texting her now, but it's 9 p.m. on a Sunday and she's probably off duty doing something fun that normal women in their mid-twenties do these days, though Ali’s not quite sure what that would be.

The next morning is hectic thanks to a little girl who was up way past her bedtime on Saturday night and therefore couldn’t sleep on Sunday night, so Ali forgets to text Ashlyn like she planned, but it turns out not to matter much, because she runs into her while dropping off Mackenzie—almost literally.

“Fuck!” Ali exclaims, slamming on her brakes as she miraculously looks up at the right time to see Ashlyn in the crosswalk.

Ashlyn looks up and waves, walking around to Ali’s window. “I know we didn’t get off on the best foot, but I didn’t think you’d try to kill me.”

“I’m sorry,” Ali says. “Mac always leaves something in the car, so I was checking to make sure she’d taken her backpack and lunchbox.”

“That’s why we walk to school,” Ashlyn laughs. “I didn’t hear from you this weekend.”

“Yeah, I didn’t have—um, I didn’t see the note till last night,” Ali says. “But if the girls want to get together this weekend, we’d love to have Georgia over.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Ashlyn says. “I can take the girls to do something fun. I know you probably don’t get many weekends to yourself.”

Ali smiles tightly. “We’ll figure something out,” she says. “We have brunch with my parents Sunday morning, but other than that, she’s available.”

“Perfect,” Ashlyn says. “I’m off Sunday and Georgia has soccer practice Saturday morning, but how about Saturday afternoon?”

“Perfect,” Ali agrees, brightening considerably at the mention of soccer. She’s been trying to get Mackenzie excited about the concept of soccer, but she’s been unsuccessful so far. She and Brent decided even before she was born that they’d let her try everything despite the fact that Ali played soccer and Brent played football in college. She’s tried soccer, swimming, volleyball, and tennis, but her current passion is gymnastics. Maybe having a friend like Georgia playing soccer will work in Ali’s favor. “It’s a date.”


	2. who you are is not where you've been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali's never made a new friend on one of her daughter's playdates, but there's a first time for everything.

All plans for a fun afternoon at the new playground near Ali’s house go out the window at the first bolt of lightning just before lunchtime.

“Plan B?” Ashlyn texts her when it becomes clear the storm won’t let up.

“I spent the morning cleaning the house, so please come over so I’m not the only one enjoying it,” Ali replies. It’s partly that, and partly because her dog, a white Havanese named Pepper, freaks out during thunderstorms and has been known to chew up a favorite purse or pair of shoes when left alone. “I have Funfetti mix and wine. The girls can bake and we can supervise. :)”

She cringes almost as soon as she presses send, but it’s too late. Is it inappropriate to serve alcohol on a playdate with someone you’ve just met? Someone who’s “on the job,” at that? What if she thinks Ali is an alcoholic? When Ashlyn (finally) replies ten minutes later, saying “sounds like my kind of playdate,” Ali finally breathes a sigh of relief.

It isn’t until the doorbell rings that Ali considers the fact that another grown-up who isn’t Liz, her childhood best friend who’s seen her at her worst, is going to be seeing her. If she had thought of it earlier, she probably would have worn something other than yoga pants and a tank top and done something more with her appearance than tying her hair up in a messy bun and swiping mascara across her lashes.

“Mommy!” Mackenzie screams from the front door, where she’s pressed her face against the glass. “Georgia’s here!”

“I see that, my love,” Ali laughs, unlocking the door and opening it to reveal Georgia and Ashlyn just as another bolt of lightning strikes and, moments later, thunder roars. “Hi! Come in, come in. You two are amazing for braving that storm.”

“When this girl has her mind set on something, there’s pretty much nothing I can do to stop it,” Ashlyn laughs, helping Georgia take her rain jacket and boots off before stepping too far into the foyer. “Is there somewhere we can hang this? I hate to get your house dirty.”

“Sure,” Ali says, leading her to the mudroom as Mackenzie drags Georgia upstairs to give her the grand tour, the promise of cupcakes and frosting long forgotten in favor of Barbies and playing pretend. “Bear in mind I do have a six-year-old, so I’m pretty used to mess.”

“I appreciate you having us,” Ashlyn says. “She’d be going stir crazy at home. Her dad’s at work and her mom’s out of town.”

“Of course,” Ali says. “Um, would you like something to drink? I don’t have much of a selection, but there’s water and club soda and juice boxes…”

“And the wine you mentioned before?” Ashlyn asks with a smile.

“Yeah, absolutely,” Ali says. “Is that, like, allowed?”

Ashlyn laughs. “Yes,” she says, following Ali into the kitchen. “The Hollinses pay me, but I’ve been with them so long I’m kind of more like Georgia’s big sister. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Ali cringes internally as she uncorks the wine that this woman, who’s just about her age, could be considered a “big sister” to a little girl Ali’s daughter’s age.

“I mean, I guess more like another mom,” Ashlyn says, realizing her mistake.

“I was 21,” Ali says with a knowing look, handing Ashlyn a glass of her favorite cabernet. “When I had Mac. I was still in college when I got pregnant.”

Ashlyn nods, taking a quick sip as to avoid responding as she follows Ali into the living room.

“I’m just saying, I’m used to the weird looks and people not quite knowing what to say around me,” Ali says.

“It’s not that,” Ashlyn says. “I mean, I’m not used to being in the same age range as the moms, and honestly, it’s kind of refreshing. Georgia has been my full-time job for three years, so I want to do the volunteering stuff and help out with the things her mom can’t. And I feel like I can relate to an extent, but I’m just a nanny, so the moms don’t really think of me that way.”

“Cheers to being the black sheep,” Ali says with a wry smile, clinking her glass against Ashlyn’s as she sits on the couch.

“Oh my God,” Ashlyn says when she spots the tiny white furball cowering in the corner. “Who is this?”

“Pepper,” Ali says. “She's usually very social, but this is how she copes with the storm.”

“Well when it's not storming, I expect a playdate with her,” Ashlyn says.

“Deal,” Ali laughs. “So explain to me this whole thing. You said you moved with them? You’re 26. That’s nuts.”

“Thanks,” Ashlyn laughs. “Honestly, I moved from Germany to be her nanny. Coming to DC from New Jersey wasn’t all that crazy.”

“Germany?” Ali asks. “Are you from there? Your English is phenomenal.”

“No, no, no,” Ashlyn says, folding her feet underneath her as she gets settled on the couch across from Ali. “I moved there after college to be an au pair. I wanted to see the world, and Germany was a great place for it. I was there for about a year and trying to figure out if I wanted to stay for another when I met Brian.”

“Boyfriend?” Ali asks.

Ashlyn almost chokes on the wine she’s swallowing. “Georgia’s dad,” she corrects. “Georgia was just about three at the time, and they were traveling with her mom for her work. I met them at a park I was at with the kids I cared for in Germany. Basically we got to talking and one thing led to another and I was packing my bags to come home. Well, to the States. Home is Florida.”

“That’s wild,” Ali says. “What does her mom do for work? I haven’t met either of her parents, and I practically live at the school.”

“She plays professional soccer,” Ashlyn says. “And her dad’s a golf pro at Belmont Country Club. We moved when she got traded to the pro club here.”

“The Spirit!” Ali exclaims. “I’ve taken Mac to a few games.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool,” Ashlyn says. “She’s been out of town a lot more often lately because they’ve got World Cup qualifying coming up and then of course all the build-up to the World Cup will be next year.”

“World Cup?” Ali gasps. “Holy crap, who is she?”

“Carli Lloyd?” Ashlyn answers, but it comes out like a question.

“Holy shit!” Ali exclaims. “Pardon my language, but holy shit. Carli Lloyd. No way.”

“You know soccer?” Ashlyn laughs.

“I played in college,” Ali says. “I was supposed to move to Frankfurt to play professionally after graduation, but—well. I’m sorry, I promise I’ll be cool.”

“It’s cool,” Ashlyn says. “It’s kind of nice to meet someone who gets it a little. It kills Carli not to take Georgia everywhere, but it was really important to her and Brian that she have some stability. She’s seen more of the world in her six years than I have in my 26 years, but now that she’s a little older and in school and making friends, we stay home more.”

“That makes sense,” Ali says. “I can’t imagine. Even being away from Mac every other weekend rips my heart to pieces, and she’s just down the road.”

Ashlyn nods gravely. “I didn’t want to ask,” she says.

“Oh no,” Ali says. “It’s not bad. Her dad and I ended things on really good terms. He’s an amazing dad and he was a perfectly fine partner, but we just couldn’t make it work between us. He’s with a great woman now.”

“And you?”

“Mac is my entire life,” Ali says, a smile spreading across her face so Ashlyn knows she means it as a good thing. “I’ve gone on a couple first dates here and there, but no second dates. And I don’t really feel like I’m missing anything. If someone amazing were to come my way, I’d be open to it, I’m just not looking.”

“Gotcha.”

“How about you? Nannying is kind of an intense job.”

“You’re telling me,” Ashlyn says. “I had a… someone. Back in Germany. But it wasn’t too serious, so it wasn’t a huge deal when I left. Since then, kind of the same. A few flings here and there, but nothing serious. Sometimes I feel guilty leaving Georgia, and now I’m in a new city and don’t really have a solid group of friends yet anyway, so it’s pretty easy to just use her as an excuse.”

“And you think you don’t have anything in common with the moms,” Ali laughs. “Guilt is kind of a constant state of being for us. Me, anyway.”

“Mama!” Mackenzie shrieks, running into the room. She and Georgia are wearing makeup from Ali’s hand-me-down collection that could only have been applied by another six-year-old and old Halloween costumes from Mac’s dress-up box. The outfits are way too small in some places and big in other places, drawing far too much of Ali’s attention to how fast her daughter is growing.

“Inside voice, sweetheart,” Ali says calmly. “What's up?”

“We want to bake cupcakes,” Mac says. Ali raises an eyebrow. “Please?”

“Well you did ask so nicely,” Ali says, pretending to think about it. “Let's see… I think we could bake cupcakes. Why don't you ask Miss Ashlyn if she wants to help?”

“Miss Ashlyn, want to make cupcakes?” Mackenzie asks. “Please?”

“Only if you promise me one thing,” Ashlyn says, her eyes sparkling as Mac looks at her expectantly. “Just call me Ashlyn, deal?” She looks up at Ali, who smiles.

“Deal!”

~

Once the cupcakes are frosted and the girls have “cleaned up” to the best of their abilities, Ali sets them up with a movie in the basement while she and Ashlyn actually clean the kitchen.

“You're so good with her,” Ali says. She had been admiring the way Ashlyn interacts with Georgia all afternoon. “She adores you.”

“You should see her at bedtime,” Ashlyn laughs. “She's a terror. But I love her. My parents weren't always around when I was a kid. I mean, they were around, but not in the most healthy way. I really want to have kids one day so I can be a better mom, but Georgia’s the next best thing.”

“Well if I can tell you anything based on seeing you with her, you're going to be an awesome mom,” Ali says. “Obviously I was scared to death when I got pregnant with Mac, and I'm still scared every day that I'm going to screw her up somehow, but being a mom is my favorite thing in the world.”

“You're pretty good at it, room mom and master chef,” Ashlyn says. “Any more hidden talents?”

“None I show on the first date,” Ali teases. “Gotta leave some things to the imagination, right?”

Ashlyn turns redder than she already was from the wine and averts her eyes. 

“I'm totally kidding,” Ali says. “I haven't slept with anyone since Brent.” She cringes. “Okay, maybe I need to go easy on the wine.”

“Not at all, it feels good to talk to an adult about adult things,” Ashlyn laughs. “I haven't either, in a few months anyway. I live in their guest house, so I have a decent amount of privacy, but you never know when Georgia’s going to wake up early on a Saturday morning and decide she wants to snuggle.”

“Oh God,” Ali says. “Did she?”

“Oh yeah,” Ashlyn says. “She didn't know any better, but I was mortified, and I never heard from that woman again.”

Ali is biting into a cupcake when Ashlyn says that, and she practically chokes, reaching for her wine glass to swallow it down.

“Are you okay?” Ashlyn asks gently, knowing very well why Ali had that reaction. “I'm—I never know how to—”

“No, no,” Ali says. “It's fine. I was just surprised, that's all. I'm sorry.”

“I just feel like we could be friends, and I don’t want you to find out some other way and think I’ve been keeping something from you, or that I’m hitting on you or anything.”

“What if I wanted you to hit on me?” Ali asks with a smirk, and Ashlyn gulps. “Relax. I’m joking.”

Ashlyn laughs uneasily. “Oh God, is it 6 already?” she asks, looking at the time on the oven. “Sorry, Brian got off work at 5, and we’re supposed to meet him for dinner.”

“Sorry if we spoiled her appetite with cupcakes!” Ali says. She packs up a Tupperware of cupcakes that Ashlyn declines twice before Ali makes Georgia take them.

The girls act like they're being forced to tear off a limb when Ashlyn practically drags Georgia out of the house, and Ali remembers when she and her best friend, Liz, were the same way. Even leaving for college was a terrible transition for them both.

One of the many good things that came from moving home to raise Mackenzie was being reunited with Liz and picking up right where they left off. Now Liz is Mac’s godmother and an honorary aunt who spoils her to pieces every chance she gets. She also keeps Ali sane on weekends without Mackenzie, making her eligible for sainthood as far as Ali is concerned.

The thought of Liz makes Ali think about what Ashlyn said before about not having friends in the new city.

“Hey, Ashlyn,” Ali says, opening the door. “After tomorrow, when's your next night off?”

“I'm technically off Thursday through Saturday,” Ashlyn says. “But I told G we could go see that dolphin movie after school on Friday because they have early release.”

“Dolphin Tale,” Georgia sighs, exasperated. “Two!”

“Sorry, sorry,” Ashlyn says. “Dolphin Tale 2.”

“You should come get drinks Friday night with me and my friend Liz,” Ali suggests. 

“I wanna come!” Mackenzie says.

“I know, baby, but you'll be at Daddy’s this weekend, remember?”

Mac pouts, still not over being told her friend has to go home.

“I’d love to,” Ashlyn says. “Text me with the details.”

“You bet,” Ali says, waving goodbye before closing the door. “It's a date.”

~

As usual, Friday comes way too fast, but Liz comes over as soon as she gets off work. They both know she's mostly there to borrow Ali’s closet for the night, but she does her best friend job by making sure she asks Ali how she's feeling while she tries on shoes.

“Is it ever going to suck less?” Ali sighs, looking at her lock screen, a picture of Mackenzie on her lap, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

“Yes,” Liz says, as she always does. “When she's an angsty teenager who drives you fucking nuts. It's coming sooner than you think.”

“That makes me feel much better, thanks.”

“That's what I'm here for. So who's this chick you're trying to replace me with again?”

“Never,” Ali says. “Her name is Ashlyn, she nannies for a girl in Mac’s class.”

“The one who called you a teen mom.”

“That's out of context!” Ali exclaims. “Be nice. She's cool, I know you'll like her. Oh my God, I didn't even tell you who she nannies for.”

“A girl in Mac’s class.”

“Carli Lloyd.”

“Carli Lloyd. Like, Carli Lloyd?”

“Yes! Mac’s new best friend is Carli fucking Lloyd’s daughter.”

“That's nuts,” Liz breathes. “No wonder we’re getting in good with the nanny.”

“Shut up,” Ali groans. “Please don't say anything like that in front of her.”

“Alex,” Liz says, placing her hands on Ali’s shoulders and looking her square in the eye. “I'm kidding. I'll be nice to your friend because she's your friend. But if I ever catch you referring to her as your best friend, I will drop you so fast.”

~

It’s not as awkward as Ali expects it to be, due in part to the fact that Liz is already two free drinks in when Ashlyn arrives, which makes her best friends with everyone. In fact, the two of them hit it off beautifully, and Liz is the one who finally convinces Ashlyn to do a shot, and then another.

Liz is much more the party animal than Ali, who prefers to sip her drinks and let her thoughts grow softer and fuzzier as the night wears on before crawling into bed for a cozy sleep. They choose this particular bar because Liz hasn't yet slept with all the male bartenders, though she seems well on her way to the next the way she's leaning over the bar and jutting out her chest.

Ali thought drunk Ashlyn would be more like drunk Liz (or even normal Liz), but after a few drinks, Ashlyn’s voice gets even softer and slower than usual, and before Ali knows it, they're wrapped up in the deepest conversation she's had in months.

“What's your biggest fear?” Ashlyn asks.

“Elevators,” Ali replies immediately. “I got stuck in one when I was younger.”

“Please,” Ashlyn says. “That's an easy answer. Everyone says the dark or snakes or heights, but that's never the real fear. You aren't scared of the dark, you're scared of what could be in the dark, you're scared of the unknown. What is it, really?”

Ali pauses. Nobody has ever challenged her on it, but Ashlyn’s right. Having an easy answer like “elevators” and a story to accompany it absolves her of having to really think about what she fears the most.

“Losing Mackenzie,” Ali says. “Ever since the moment I heard her heartbeat, I've entertained the possibility of every way it could go wrong. That I'd miscarry, that something would go wrong during labor, that she'd roll over on her stomach in her sleep and never wake up. When she was two weeks old I was having dreams about her growing up and dating someone who had a motorcycle and I'd wake up in a cold sweat.”

“And six years later?”

“I just keep coming up with more things to be scared of,” Ali admits. “Every day she learns something new and becomes more her own person, the less I feel like I can protect her. And when Brent left--he's an orthopedic surgeon. He makes a lot more money than I do. And part of me knows he’d never take her from me, but I was horrified that they'd decide I couldn't provide for her as well as he could.”

“That's a lot of pressure for one person to carry,” Ashlyn says softly.

“I had my brother and Liz,” Ali says. “And weirdly, Brent helped me through a lot of it.”

“That's good,” Ashlyn says. “Do you love him?”

“I think I always will,” Ali says. “He gave me the thing I love most in this world, I could never not love him for that. But I'm not in love with him anymore.” She pauses. “What's your biggest fear?”

“Sharks,” Ashlyn responds teasingly.

Ali rolls her eyes. “Come on.”

“Being alone,” Ashlyn says. “That's probably why most of my days off I still spend with Georgia. Back in Germany and New Jersey I had friends, but I don't do well on my own.”

“You'll make friends here,” Ali says.

“I think I already have.” Ashlyn smiles. “At least one. She's kind of mysterious though. She's a stay-at-home single mom who lives in what some might describe as a mansion, her kid goes to private school, she apparently has a million secret talents, she's smart and beautiful, the whole package. And yet I have no idea what she does for a living.”

Ali laughs. “It's not a mansion,” she says, rolling her eyes. “I do freelance writing and digital media. It gives me a lot of flexibility with hours, but it means a lot of my work ends up being late at night or on the weekends when Mackenzie is away.”

“Ah,” Ashlyn says. “So she works to distract herself from feeling lonely.”

“Hey,” Ali says softly. “That's not nice.”

“The truth rarely is,” Ashlyn says, a teasing glint in her eyes. “I've already told you I'm the same way. Not judging.”

“I'm not lonely,” Ali says, feeling as idiotic as the words sound as they leave her mouth.

“Of course you are,” Ashlyn says. “Who wouldn't be? You had someone around all the time for how long?”

“Six years.”

Ashlyn shrugs. “And it's only been like a year without that. During which time you've been working your ass off to be the best mom possible. Just the fact that you're out on the town on a Friday night means you're doing better than I would be.”

“How do you do that?” Ali asks, blushing.

“Do what?”

“Make everything sound so important and amazing.”

“Because I know you won't,” Ashlyn says, shrugging. “And you should feel important and amazing.”

“You sure you aren't hitting on me?” Ali teases, sticking her tongue out. “Because these are way better lines than I've ever gotten.”

“I'm not trying to,” Ashlyn says, blushing. “I'm sorry.”

“Al!” Liz exclaims, practically dropping into her lap. “Are you going to be mad if I sleep with that guy?” Her drunk whisper is not as quiet as she seems to think, but Ali is used to it.

“How drunk are you?” Ali asks. “What’s our safe word?”

“Pineapple pizza,” Liz says, holding out her pinky. “I’ll text you my location when I get there. Will you be okay?”

“I’ll take an Uber,” Ali says, kissing her on the cheek. “Lunch tomorrow?”

“You bet,” Liz says. “Bring Ashlyn! Unless you want to gossip about our steamy nights,” she giggles, winking at Ashlyn.

“Bye Liz,” Ali groans, turning bright red. “Don't forget to text me.”

When Liz is out of earshot, Ashlyn raises her eyebrows. “Do you have a steamy night ahead?”

“No!” Ali exclaims. “I told you, I haven't gotten laid in ages.”

“You never know, that could change tonight,” Ashlyn says. “For instance, what if I dared you to go up to the hottest guy in here and give him your number?”

“No,” Ali says.

“Oh come on,” Ashlyn says. “What do straight girls like, anyway? Muscles? Wait, let me see a picture of Brent.”

“Stop it!” Ali hisses. “I don't want to talk to any of them, I'm having fun talking to you.”

“Boring,” Ashlyn says. “This is why you'll never get laid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, I'd love to know your favorite line(s) and moment(s)!


	3. my mind forgets to remind me (you're a bad idea)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali faces a milestone in Mackenzie's life she isn't prepared for, and Ashlyn volunteers to help her get through it by any means necessary.

Few things make Ali feel more anxious than PTA meetings. When Mackenzie started kindergarten, Ali was still reeling from the break-up, so it took everything within her (and a lot of encouragement from her mom) for her to attend her first Thursday night meeting, where she sat in a corner and sipped lemonade quietly.

For some reason, though, she came back two weeks later. And two weeks after that, Heather O’Reilly introduced herself and refused to leave Ali’s side. Two weeks later, Ali was roped into the events committee, and by November she was room mom alongside Heather for Ms. O’Hara’s kindergarten class.

This year, Ali was nominated by Heather to head up the hospitality committee, which is how she ends up an hour early to every meeting. Now she’s the one who makes the lemonade that the nervous kindergarten parents sip in the corner, and she's the one who greets unfamiliar faces with a smile and a volunteer sign-up sheet.

Mackenzie loves helping her mom set things up, which really means “sampling” the lemonade, licking the spoon from the brownie batter Ali makes before every meeting, and running around the library with Heather’s son, Jake.

The art teacher, Miss Heath, always volunteers her evenings to come up with some craft project for the kids who don’t have babysitters or another parent at home, but Ali has a sneaking suspicion that it might have something to do with the fact that Mackenzie’s teacher, Miss Press, attends every PTA meeting without fail. They always arrive at the same time, and when Ali comes to get Mackenzie from the art studio at the end of every meeting, Christen is almost always there, making some excuse about how she wants to see all the kids and their art projects before leaving with Tobin.

Ali thinks two months into the school year is probably enough time to casually ask Christen about it while volunteering in the classroom, but she keeps biting her tongue, not wanting to get a reputation for being nosy.

Christen’s arrival almost always means it’s time for Mackenzie to go to the art studio and for Ali to begin greeting parents, which they both do happily. Ali’s good at this, making others feel welcome, because all she has to do is offer snacks and make polite conversation. Her degree is in communications, so she’s got this.

Well, she has it until Carli Lloyd walks in. That’s when she loses it.

“Al,” Heather says, tossing her head toward the door, where Carli and her husband are standing awkwardly, immersed in the brochures the PTA president, Christie, made over the summer. Heather is busy assembling the handouts for Teacher Appreciation Week sign-up, and Ali knows she’ll have to do it, which is difficult because she doesn’t think she can breathe.

She collects herself and straightens her posture before plastering on a wide smile and approaching them. “Hey,” she says, and Brian looks up, startled. “Welcome to the PTA. I’m Ali Krieger.”

“Hi,” Brian says, extending his hand to shake hers. “I’m Brian.”

“Carli,” Carli says, shaking her hand next. “Our daughter just started first grade. She’s in Miss Press’ class.”

Ali considers for a second whether she should play dumb and pretend it’s a normal conversation or show all her cards and probably freak out the brand new additions to the PTA. “Oh, Miss Press is wonderful,” Ali says. “My daughter, Mackenzie, is in her class too.”

“Ali!” Brian exclaims, realizing. “We’re Georgia’s parents. She went to your house for a playdate a couple weekends ago.”

“Of course!” Ali says. “It’s so good to meet you two. Georgia is wonderful. I’m actually the room mom for the class, along with Heather over there.” She points to Heather, who sees them and waves.

“We really appreciate you having her over,” Carli says. “We’ll have to have Mackenzie over next time.”

“That’d be wonderful,” Ali says as Christie steps up to her podium to call the meeting to order. “Hey, come sit with me. I’ll introduce you to some of the other parents from Georgia’s class after the meeting.”

Ali successfully talks Brian into signing up for serving breakfast one day of Teacher Appreciation Week. Carli declines because she’ll be out of town, but she promises Ali she’ll help with the Thanksgiving feast. And throughout it all, Ali successfully manages to keep her cool, impressing even herself.

“Thanks for everything, Ali,” Carli says. “We really would love to have Mackenzie over.”

“What about this weekend?” Brian asks. “For your game?”

“Oh, yeah,” Carli says. “I play soccer professionally, and we actually have a home game this Saturday at 4. You and Mackenzie and her dad should come, and the girls can have a slumber party.”

Ali’s heart leaps to her throat when she hears the words ‘slumber party.’ “Um, I’ll check with him,” she says. “We haven’t really discussed sleepovers yet.” It's not entirely true, but it's an easy excuse. When they were together, they had decided that as long as they knew (and trusted) the parents, sleepovers would be okay if Mac felt comfortable with them.

“He’ll probably jump at the chance to have a grown-ups night,” Brian says with a smile.

Ali smiles uneasily. “We’re actually not together,” she says. “We just make these kinds of decisions together.”

“Oh, of course,” Brian says. “I’m so—”

Ali waves off his apology. “It’s okay, really. But we’d love to come to the game, and I’m sure Mac would love to hang out with Georgia. My number in in the back of the brochure, so feel free to call or text me. And Ashlyn has my contact information too.”

“Oh right, she said you two hit it off,” Carli says. “I'll make sure there are two tickets at will call for you in the friends and family section.”

“Thanks so much!” Ali says. “It was so nice to meet you.”

“And you,” Carli says. “I'm sure we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other.”

That night, Ali decides she wants Mackenzie to sleep in her bed. She was a cuddly baby, but as she's gotten older, she wriggles out of Ali’s arms more often than not. She still asks to stay in Mommy’s room sometimes, though, because usually it means popcorn and movies and staying up late.

This time, Ali lets her have one more brownie before bed, and in turn, Mac lets Ali cuddle, but when the six-year-old falls asleep, she rolls away, her back turning to Ali, who tries her hardest not to take it personally.

~

Ali doesn't know why she's surprised to see Ashlyn at the game, but maybe the most surprising part is she isn't wearing her signature all black. Ashlyn and Georgia are both decked out in red, white, and blue, and Ashlyn’s hair is down and wavy under a black SnapBack.

Georgia is wearing a Lloyd 10 Spirit jersey that's just a smidge too big for her and has temporary glitter tattoos up and down her arm that Mac is immediately jealous of. Ashlyn comes through as always, carrying an extra sheet in Georgia’s backpack just in case.

“Want one?” Ashlyn asks Ali as she presses an American flag against Mackenzie’s cheek.

“I'll pass,” Ali laughs.

“Mama, Georgia said I could sleep over at her house!” Mackenzie announces.

“We didn't pack your pajamas or your toothbrush,” Ali reminds her gently.

“We can get them from home!” Mackenzie says after thinking for a minute. “Please?”

“Not tonight,” Ali says, brushing her hair back. “Maybe another time.”

“Daddy would let me,” Mac grumbles, crossing her arms across her chest.

Ali's heart sinks, and she avoids Ashlyn’s sympathetic gaze. Luckily, Mackenzie forgets her annoyance when Georgia suggests they play tag in the grass.

“Stay where I can see you,” Ashlyn warns. “Or you'll have to keep your butt in your seat the rest of the game.”

“Okay,” Georgia says, linking her pinky with Ashlyn’s.

“You good?” Ashlyn asks Ali softly when the girls are gone.

“Yeah.”

“I did that shit to my parents all the time growing up,” Ashlyn says. “I never realized I was being hurtful.”

“I know she doesn't,” Ali says. “We try to parent the same and have the same rules, but I know it's different.”

“Of course,” Ashlyn says. “Has she done sleepovers before?”

“Just with family,” Ali says. “I don't think I'm overprotective, maybe just a little selfish.”

“How so?”

“My time with her seems so finite, especially on the weekends,” Ali says. “I just want her to myself sometimes.”

“What do you guys do most of the time?” Ashlyn asks. “On the weekends, I mean.”

“We’ll hang out with my parents and watch movies and go get our nails done and go to museums and the park. I don't know, usually whatever she thinks will be fun.”

“What did you do today?”

“Nothing much,” Ali says. “We went to our favorite coffee shop and she played and I did some work.”

“And after this?” Ashlyn asks.

“Um, I guess we’ll go home and have dinner and she’ll probably go to bed.”

Ashlyn smiles gently. “So for the hours she usually sleeps, you don't want to be away from her.”

“It's not that simple,” Ali protests, trying to rack her brain for a better explanation.

“I know it's not,” Ashlyn says. “I don't want to overstep here, but don't you think maybe it could be good for you both to have some time apart? When she isn't with you, she's in school or with her dad. But she's a six-year-old girl. She loves you so much. She's a social butterfly, just like you. One sleepover isn't letting her fly from the nest, it's just letting her stretch her wings a little.”

Ali is quiet, staring at her hands and playing with the ring on her right ring finger with Mackenzie’s birthstone in it.

“I'm sorry,” Ashlyn says.

“No, you're right,” Ali admits. “I'm just terrified.”

“Okay, what if I try to help make it less scary?” Ashlyn asks. Ali raises her eyebrows, and she takes that as a cue to continue. “Tonight. Go home, get her pajamas, and bring her over. The girls can play and watch movies while we go do something fun to take your mind off of it. When we get back, if you really feel like there’s no possible way you can leave her, take her home. The worst that happens is she gets a fun night with her friend and you get a fun night out with an adult.”

“I’m really annoyed by how much sense that makes,” Ali grumbles.

Ashlyn smiles. “I’ll shower and wash off these tattoos so I don’t embarrass you. The glitter ones, I mean. The other ones are here to stay.”

“I like them,” Ali says. “I have a few myself.”

“A few?” Ashlyn asks, raising her eyebrows. She loves hearing other people's tattoo stories, especially the people (like Ali) who she wouldn't expect to have any. “I’ve only seen that one.” She points to Ali’s forearm, which has the word “Liebe” in script, a word Ashlyn is very familiar with. “Where are the others?”

Ali smirks. “I don’t think the rest of the soccer-watching community would approve of me showing you right here and now.”

“But later?”

“Most people have to buy me a drink first.”

~

Part of Ali had hoped that once Mackenzie realized the sleepover was real, she would get nervous and homesick and ask Ali to let her stay home, but as soon as Ali told her, Mackenzie started planning which Barbies she would take with her (Ali limited her to two) and how she could convince Georgia to let her be the mommy when playing house.

By the time they get to the Hollinses’ house (no, mansion--Ashlyn was one to talk), Mackenzie gives Ali a half-hearted hug and kiss goodbye before running upstairs with Georgia.

“You have our numbers in case you need to reach us,” Carli says.

“Are you sure this is okay?” Ali asks. Carli did just play ninety minutes and score the game-winning goal for the Spirit, after all.

“Absolutely,” Carli says. “I know the first sleepover is always the most nerve-wracking, but I know they'll have a great time. Next time you can feel free to take Georgia as long as you want.”

“Hey!” Ashlyn says, bounding down the stairs. “I blew up the air mattress in the bonus room,” she tells Carli.

“I told you I'd do that!” Brian says. “Please stop working for like five minutes.”

“How about five hours?” Ashlyn asks, looking at her watch. “Ali and I are going to go out and not think about kids for at least that long. How does that sound?”

“Heavenly,” Ali says, trying to force herself to believe it.

“Rule one,” Ashlyn says when they reach her Jeep. “You're allowed to think about her until we get where we’re going, then no more for the rest of the night. No talk about school, kids, or work. Am I missing anything?”

“That's not fair,” Ali says. “That gives me three things that are off limits and only two for you. Because your work is kids.”

“Shit, you're right,” Ashlyn says. “Okay, I won't talk about my exes.”

“Do you talk about them a lot?” Ali laughs.

“Not a lot, but sometimes when I get nervous. Either way it's kind of a lame topic when you're getting to know someone,” Ashlyn says.

“Why would you be nervous?” Ali asks.

“Something about being around pretty girls,” Ashlyn says. “Sorry, I said I wouldn't hit on you. That'll be my other off-limits topic.”

“Eh, keep it on the table,” Ali says, smirking. “It feels kind of nice.”

It isn't until they pull up to Topgolf that Ali realizes she hasn't thought about Mackenzie till they first left the house, but that thought makes her feel guilty.

Ashlyn notices the change in her demeanor. “Hey,” she says, putting a hand on Ali’s shoulder. “No more. It's no different than when she stays with her dad, right? And we had fun last time.”

“You're right,” Ali says. “I'm done, I promise.”

After Ali beats her brutally in every game they play, Ashlyn decides it's time for a break and some drinks, her treat for losing so terribly.

“Tell me how you got so good at everything,” Ashlyn says, taking a swig of her beer. “I work for a golf pro and I still can't hit a ball to save my life.”

“Natural brilliance,” Ali says.

“Of course,” Ashlyn says. “You almost went pro for soccer, you're a beast at golf, you are a master baker…”

“Don't say master baker,” Ali laughs, and that's when Ashlyn hears it.

“Dirty,” she says. “I like it.”

“For what it's worth, I used to come here every other weekend with Liz,” Ali says. “I got pretty good.”

“What? I thought this would be new and fun.”

“It's still fun!” Ali insists. “Winning is always fun.”

“I'm pretty good at some things too,” Ashlyn grumbles.

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Like dancing,” Ashlyn says. “I have sick moves. And I'm a good driver.”

“That raccoon in the neighborhood would beg to differ.”

“He had a death wish!”

“Whatever you say.”

“The other things I'm good at aren't polite to talk about in mixed company,” Ashlyn says with a smirk.

“Who's mixed company?” Ali asks, leaning forward.

“I can mix a mean drink,” Ashlyn says. “And I'm incredibly good with my hands. You know, for important things people do on dates like…catching footballs.” She smirks, and her innuendo is not lost on Ali.

“So just simple everyday things,” Ali says, her face pink from the alcohol.

“Not quite every day,” Ashlyn says. “I haven't been able to put them to good use in a while.”

“Not even for a solo football game?” Ali teases, her voice low. “Ha! I made you blush.”

“You've done that plenty before,” Ashlyn says.

“For what it's worth, I'm sure you are great,” Ali says, biting her lip as she sneaks a peek at Ashlyn’s hands. “You know, at catching footballs.”

“Thanks,” Ashlyn says, her face getting even redder than she thought possible.

“You know, I've played some football myself,” Ali says just as Ashlyn takes a sip, causing her to choke. “And I don't mean just the soccer kind.”

“Y-you what?”

Ali shrugs, sipping her beer casually. “You told me you've been with women, but I couldn't remember if I'd told you I have been too.”

“You definitely did not,” Ashlyn says, her heart racing.

“Would you have hit on me less?”

“I would have hit on you more,” Ashlyn says, trying to recover from the shock.

Ali smiles, tapping her finger against her lower lip like she's thinking. Then, she downs the rest of her drink and jumps up. “Ready to get your ass beat some more?”

The atmosphere is completely different when they play now, after a drink and that conversation. Ali’s bones feel a little looser, and when Ashlyn steps up to take a swing, Ali stops her.

“Hey, wait,” Ali says, stepping up behind her. She grabs Ashlyn’s hips, pulling them back to adjust her stance. “Here, put your hands like this.” She reaches around Ashlyn to move her hands and fix her grip.

Ashlyn is considerably taller than her, so Ali stands on her tiptoes to press herself against Ashlyn’s back. 

“Okay, perfect,” Ali says, stepping away. “Now do a practice swing.”

Ashlyn swings, or at least tries her best.

“Okay, this time follow through,” Ali says. “All the way.”

Ashlyn tries again, and Ali smiles with satisfaction.

“Now with a ball,” she says.

Ashlyn swings and hits the ball with a loud crack. “Holy shit,” she says, not moving from her stance after the follow-through.

“Yes!” Ali exclaims, throwing her arms around Ashlyn. “That was so good!”

“It didn't go as far as yours.”

“No, but it's a start!” Ali exclaims.

“Maybe you should touch me more, maybe that was the secret,” Ashlyn says with a smirk.

“Maybe you're onto something,” Ali says softly, her thumb hooking through one of Ashlyn’s belt loops.

“Are you kinda over this?”

“I could do this forever,” Ali laughs. “But yeah, I wouldn't be opposed to getting out of here.”

They walk back to the car, staying much closer than they did on the walk from it, and Ashlyn feels a jolt every time Ali’s arm brushes hers.

After Ali thanks Ashlyn for the night out and for opening the passenger side door for her, they drive back to Ashlyn’s in a comfortable silence, Ali’s hand resting on Ashlyn’s thigh. Neither one of them moves when they pull into the driveway and Ashlyn turns off the car, but Ali turns her head to smile at Ashlyn.

“Thanks again,” she says. “This was amazing.”

“Of course,” Ashlyn says. “We should do it again. After I've had time to practice.” She's silent for a moment. “You know, I did buy you a drink.”

“You did.”

“So does that mean I can see your other tattoos?”

Ali smiles. “One drink, one tattoo,” she bargains.

“It's a good thing I have a minibar right outside my room,” Ashlyn says. “Do you want to come in?”

Ali hesitates, looking toward the house. “Are they—”

“I have my own entrance,” Ashlyn says. “We can go through the courtyard to the guesthouse.”

Ali nods, sliding out of the Jeep to follow Ashlyn in. She tries to be as inconspicuous as possible, but she realizes when they walk through that Ashlyn’s setup is a lot more private than she thought.

Ashlyn sets to work preparing Ali another drink once inside. The guesthouse is more like a detached studio apartment with its own kitchen, bathroom, couch, and hideaway Murphy bed, and Ali can't deny how impressed she is by the setup.

“Alright, let me see those tattoos,” Ashlyn says, handing Ali a glass. “Whiskey ginger. My specialty.”

Ali takes a sip and murmurs her appreciation before setting the glass down on the coffee table and pulling her shirt up to reveal her ribcage.

Ashlyn gingerly touches the letters. “I can tell it’s German, but what does it say?”

“One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes,” Ali says. “It's from the Little Prince. When I was thinking about going to Germany, I decided to learn German as fast as I could. Even when I got pregnant I still held onto hope that maybe I could still go to Germany after graduation, so I kept learning. It was the first book I read in German, and I would read out loud to Mackenzie when she was still just a bump.”

“It's beautiful,” Ashlyn says. She admires it for a while longer, missing the fact that Ali’s hands are reaching for the button on her jeans. “Whoa,” she says involuntarily when she notices.

“Relax, it's my other tattoo,” Ali says, smiling. She knows exactly what she's doing when she slowly unzips her jeans and pushes them down her hips.

The jeans fall to the floor, and Ashlyn can see the top of the tattoo peeking out of her underwear, but she doesn't feel right reaching out to touch it and reveal more.

Ali hooks a thumb underneath the waistband of her underwear and pulls it down in just the right spot to reveal what Ashlyn knows is the Penn State mascot and the number 22. “My soccer number,” Ali says.

“You went to Penn State?” Ashlyn asks. “Friendship canceled. I'm a Tarheel.”

“I hope that doesn't mean we can't still do what we planned for tonight,” Ali says.

“I don't recall ever making an official plan.”

“Maybe that was mostly in my head, but in my head you definitely agreed. Enthusiastically.”

“Yeah?” Ashlyn asks, breathing slower as Ali inches closer. “How does it start?”

“Like this,” Ali says, her hands running down Ashlyn's arms. She stands on her toes to ghost her lips over Ashlyn’s. She doesn't touch, not at first, simply getting close enough that she can feel Ashlyn’s breath and the electricity when their lips near each other. She licks her bottom lip and tilts her head back to look Ashlyn in the eye before doing the same thing again.

Finally, Ashlyn closes the gap, and Ali's eyes flutter shut. Ashlyn can feel Ali smile against her lips, which makes her smile in turn before pulling away. She wants to say something, but when she's thinking of what she could possibly say, Ali’s lips are back on hers, this time with purpose.

Ali doesn't hesitate before pushing Ashlyn onto the bed and climbing on top of her, unbuttoning the button-down shirt she's wearing. She continues to kiss Ashlyn as her hands explore her torso.

Ashlyn wants to tell her to wait, thinks there should be some conversation first, but Ali seems determined to continue as she pulls her lips away and unbuttons Ashlyn’s jeans, and Ashlyn would have to be out of her mind to stop her.

Ali straddles Ashlyn’s thigh, her knee pressing against Ashlyn’s core, and Ashlyn can't remember the last time she moaned at the very first touch, but she does now. Ali’s thumbs hook around the waistband of her own underwear, pulling them down and tossing them off the bed somewhere while Ashlyn reaches for the hem of her shirt to pull that off as well.

“Show me what you can do with those hands of yours,” Ali breathes, breaking the silence. It's the last meaningful sentence either one manages to string together, the air filling with expletives and whines.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> favorite line(s)/moment(s)?


	4. roller coaster kind of rush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali and Ashlyn deal with the aftermath of their grown-up sleepover.

Ashlyn cringes before she even opens her eyes the next morning. She can feel the weight on the other side of the bed and hear Ali breathing, meaning she didn’t make a sneaky escape during the night, but she’s not prepared for the awkward conversation that’s about to ensue.

As if she can read Ashlyn’s mind, Ali chooses that moment to stir, blinking her eyes open slowly. “God, what time is it?” she groans, rolling over to check her phone, which she forgot to plug in the night before.

“Morning,” Ashlyn says, turning to face her. “How do you feel?”

“Fine,” Ali says. “Maybe a little embarrassed.”

“Why?”

“I didn’t expect… this,” Ali says. “So I didn’t shave or anything. Plus I probably could have chosen more wisely when deciding to have a one night stand than my daughter’s friend’s nanny. No offense.”

Ashlyn’s heart sinks. It’s not that she was expecting Ali to wake up and be in love with her, but hearing the words ‘one night stand’ leave her mouth so flippantly sends a shock to Ashlyn’s system.

Ali gets out of bed and walks to the bathroom, and Ashlyn tries her hardest to peel her eyes away from her naked form, but it’s harder than she expects.

“Hey, can I borrow a shirt?” Ali asks when she emerges. “I’ll give it back, but Mac will definitely notice if I’m wearing the same outfit I was last night, and it’s probably best if Carli and Brian don’t know.”

“Carli definitely saw your car still out there when she went out for her morning run,” Ashlyn says, and Ali cringes. “Don’t worry, she’s cool.”

“I’m really sorry if I put you in an awkward situation,” Ali says, pulling on her clothes.

“Not at all,” Ashlyn says. “It takes two to tango, right?”

“Sure,” Ali says, forcing a smile. “For what it’s worth, I had a lot of fun. And I wouldn’t hate doing it again, but maybe next time it can be at my house when two six-year-olds aren’t having a sleepover.”

~

Ashlyn is convinced there won’t be a next time, but when she gets a text from Ali at nearly midnight Friday night asking what she’s up to, she’s powerless to say no. The night turns into a whole weekend, made possible only by the fact that Brian took Georgia to New Jersey for the weekend for Carli’s soccer game and to see family.

“We need to talk about acceptable places to leave hickeys,” she announces when she walks into the kitchen the next morning. Ali is already up making coffee, and she laughs when she looks up at Ashlyn.

“Good morning to you too,” Ali says, sliding a mug her way and puckering her lips for a kiss.

Ashlyn kisses her quickly before taking a long sip of the coffee. “This is amazing. You’re almost as good at making coffee as you are at making me—”

“Stop right there,” Ali says. “I have to ask you something, and I know the timing is unbelievably inappropriate, but I’m desperate.”

“Okay,” Ashlyn says slowly, sitting at the bar. “What’s up?”

“Miss Press—you know, Mackenzie and Georgia’s teacher—has a few projects for the room moms this week, but Heather just called me and said she has to go out of town for a family emergency, so I’m kind of on my own. I know you probably have a million other things you’d rather do, but—”

“I’m in,” Ashlyn says. “Just tell me when to be there.”

“Are you sure?” Ali asks. “Don’t feel like you have to just because…”

“Because you’ve given me orgasms in the double digits this weekend?” Ashlyn suggests. “Nah, that’s just a nice bonus.”

~

When Georgia realizes Ashlyn isn’t just dropping her off at school but actually staying there like Mackenzie’s mom does sometimes, anyone watching would have thought Christmas had just come early. She introduces Ashlyn to every one of her classmates and every teacher they pass in the hall, and when they get to the classroom, she refuses to let go to Ashlyn’s hand to go sit at her desk until Ashlyn all but pries her away.

“Hi, I’m Miss Press,” says the young woman (definitely younger than Ashlyn) with a bright smile. “You must be Ashlyn. I’ve heard only wonderful things from Georgia and of course from Ms. Krieger.”

Ashlyn’s eyes widen when she says that, but she realizes she couldn’t have meant—unless she did. Ali had mentioned getting close with the teachers. “Um, yeah, Georgia loves you,” Ashlyn says. “Nice to finally meet you.”

“You too,” Miss Press says. “Ali’s in the art studio, do you know where that is?”

“I don’t think so,” Ashlyn says. “Georgia got me here, other than that I know the playground and the cafeteria.”

“No problem,” she laughs. “That’s why we have class helpers. Kenzie?”

Mackenzie’s head pops up eagerly from the group of girls she’s playing with in the corner.

“Can you please take the hall pass and show Miss Ashlyn how to get to the art studio?”

Mackenzie happily hops up from her spot and obliges, grabbing the brightly colored laminated paper from the white board. “Come on, I’ll take you!”

Ashlyn follows behind her, smiling to herself about how much Mackenzie reminds her of Ali as she chatters away about her weekend and the tooth she lost and the tea party she threw for her dad and all her stuffed animals and how she wishes her mom were there, but it’s okay because this weekend she’ll have another one.

“Hey baby!” Ali says, looking up at the door when they walk in.

“Hey,” Ashlyn replies before realizing she wasn’t talking to her. Come to think of it, the only times she’s ever said that in relation to Ashlyn has been under the sheets.

“Mama, Georgia said there’s another soccer game, can we go?”

“When is it?”

“Saturday night,” Ashlyn says. “Kick is at seven.”

“Uncle Kyle is going to be here, sweetheart, remember?” Ali asks.

“He can come!” Mac exclaims.

“We’ll see, okay?” Ali says. “Get back to class.”

“Tell Miss Press I said hi!” The art teacher steps out of the supply closet with a bright smile. “Hey, I’m Miss Heath,” she says. “You can call me Tobin. Ali, here are the good scissors.”

“Thanks for letting us use the room,” Ali says.

“Yeah, for sure,” Tobin says. “I don’t have a class in here till after lunch, so I’ll probably go help Christen for a bit if I’m not needed here.”

“No eye sex in front of the kids,” Ali calls after her. Tobin’s middle finger goes up behind her back in response.

“Is there a story there?” Ashlyn asks.

“They’re an item,” Ali laughs. “Well, more like an old married couple. They’ve been together for like three years, they live together, they’re just very low-key about it.”

“Nice,” Ashlyn says. “So what are we doing here?”

“Making a bulletin board,” Ali says. “All the kids made comic strips using some of their vocabulary words, and Christen wants to feature them in the hallway. Look at the one Georgia made.” She holds up a slip of paper with brightly colored panels and meticulous, yet sloppy six-year-old handwriting.

The short story is about a superhero who happens to look a lot like Ashlyn, down to the scribbled tattoos on her arms, and Ashlyn finds herself grinning as she reads words like “splendid” and “rescue” and “exasperated.”

“She loves you a lot,” Ali says. “Every time I’m here she goes on and on about you.”

Ashlyn smiles. “So your brother is coming to town?”

“Yeah,” Ali says. “I’ve told you about Kyle, haven’t I?”

“I don’t think so, maybe in passing.”

“He’s my best friend,” Ali says, a grin spreading across her face as she spreads rubber cement on the back of one of the comics before sticking it onto the banner. “He’s just a little over a year older, and I wanted to be just like him growing up. Which I guess I ended up doing in a lot of ways.” She laughs. “You’ll love him.”

“Oh?” Ashlyn asks, surprised. “I didn’t think—I mean, I didn’t realize you’d want—”

“I mean, maybe we’ll go to the game and you can meet him there,” Ali says. “He’s the whole reason I started playing soccer when I was little. He knows about Carli and everything.”

“And how you’re sleeping with her nanny?”

“Not quite,” Ali says. “I didn’t know if that was something I should… tell people. Or if it’s something that’s going to keep happening.”

“I’d like it to,” Ashlyn says, avoiding Ali’s gaze. “I mean, I like you a lot as a person. If sex is going to make that part messy, then I guess we should stop, but…” She trails off, distracted by a bubble in the rubber cement as she smoothes a strip of paper.

“I don’t think it’s messy,” Ali says softly. “I mean, I did wash my sheets more this weekend than I usually do in two weeks, but I’d say it’s worth it,” she teases.

“Then yeah,” Ashlyn says. “I wouldn’t mind continuing to see you. Whatever that means.”

“Wow,” Ali says, looking around. “I can honestly say I never pictured myself having a DTR conversation in the art room at Mackenzie’s school.”

“I can honestly say I never pictured myself sleeping with a single mom, but here we are.” She cringes. “That’s not a thing I should say, is it?”

“Depends,” Ali shrugs. “Is that how you see me?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to separate you from Mackenzie, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing,” Ashlyn says. “Watching you with her is what made me have such a crush on you in the first place.”

Ali smiles. “Good,” she says. “But, um, for what it’s worth, I still want to keep it quiet. Whatever this is.”

“Dating, you mean.”

“Right. Dating,” Ali agrees. “It’s just that whenever Brent started dating his new girlfriend, she met Mackenzie before I even knew about her, and that really bothered me. I know you’ve met her, but not as anything more than Georgia’s nanny or my friend. And I want to keep it that way for a while.”

“Definitely,” Ashlyn says. “So no sleepovers when she’s around, but what about taking you on dates?”

“Maybe we’ll stick to coffee and lunch dates at first,” Ali says. “But of course when the girls want to spend time together, we can make that happen.”

“Of course,” Ashlyn says. “Like this weekend. I’ll get Carli to arrange tickets for you guys.”

Ali cringes. “I’m kind of terrified to face Carli after last weekend.”

“I mean, you faced Brian when you fake picked up Mackenzie after sneaking out.”

“Yeah, but he didn’t know!” Ali exclaims, but Ashlyn just raises an eyebrow. “No. Tell me he doesn’t know.”

“I don’t like lying to the women I date,” Ashlyn says with a twinkle in her eye. “They tell each other everything, it’s fine. Trust me, our secret is safe with them.” She kisses Ali quickly across the art table.

“Yeah, and with me,” Tobin says, walking back in. “Heads up, these doors don’t have locks.”

~

It takes all of thirty seconds of Ali interacting with Ashlyn for Kyle to realize there’s something going on, and as soon as the girls make themselves busy cheering on the sidelines, he smiles, turning to Ashlyn.

“So,” he says. “How long have you been screwing my sister?”

Ashlyn’s jaw drops, and she looks at Ali, who puts her hands up in defense. “Um, I—I don’t know,” she says dumbly.

“Since two weeks ago tonight, actually,” Ali says. “It was a one-time thing but then it wasn’t.” She shrugs. “But Mac doesn’t know a thing, so don’t you dare say anything.”

“I would never subject my perfect innocent niece to such things,” Kyle says, pretending to be offended. “Wait, two weeks? So Mac was with you? You minx!”

“No!” Ali exclaims, turning red. “Mac was sleeping over at Georgia’s.”

“We did it in my guesthouse,” Ashlyn says.

Ali shoots her a look, her jaw dropping. “Crass.”

“Just trying to help!”

“Try harder,” Ali says. Ashlyn responds by squeezing her knee quickly.

“I like her,” Kyle tells Ali.

“She can hear you,” Ashlyn reminds him, pointing to herself.

“Duh, I'm waiting till we get home to get the real juice,” he says, rolling his eyes.

Ali smiles, leaning her head on his shoulder. They’ve known each other all of five minutes and their interactions already sound just like the way Ali and Kyle talk to each other. He never got along well with Brent, though they were on decent enough terms. They just didn't have anything in common, and their relationship was forced at best for Ali’s, and later Mac’s, sake.

That night, Ali finishes up her nightly skin routine while Kyle takes on the challenge of getting Mackenzie to bed after a caffeinated drink and way too much sugar at the soccer game. When she’s finally done, she emerges from her en-suite bathroom to find Kyle lying on her bed taking selfies.

“Cute,” she says, and he smiles as he sits up to face her. “Was she good for you?”

“She always is,” Kyle says.

“How many stories?”

“I lost count,” he says. “I’m whipped.”

“You really are,” Ali laughs. Kyle is silent for a moment as he studies her, which is unlike him. “What’s up?”

“Just thinking,” he says. “How are you?”

“Me? I’m fine,” Ali says, tying her hair into a bun.

“Are you sure?” Kyle asks.

“Yes, I’m sure, why?”

“I worry, that’s all,” he says. “And I was just a little surprised I guess. When I met Ashlyn.”

“You know I’ve been with women,” Ali says.

“It’s not that,” he says. “Of course I’m thrilled about that part. I just—you’re sleeping with her. On a regular basis.”

“I mean kinda,” Ali says. “Only twice. Well, if you count last weekend as one time.”

“That’s the thing,” Kyle says. “I’ve never seen you move this fast. Hell, you didn’t sleep with Brent till you’d been together for months.”

“We see how well that turned out.”

“Hush,” Kyle says. “I’m not trying to slut shame you or judge you, God knows I’ve done far worse. But I’m surprised you would with Mackenzie in the picture.”

“Excuse me?” Ali asks, folding her arms defensively. “What are you saying?”

“Nothing!” Kyle exclaims. “You’re the best mom. I just—I don’t know. I like Ashlyn a lot, I really do, but is this the best way to go about things?”

“Would you rather I jump into a serious relationship with someone and get Mac involved and leave her confused and hurt when suddenly they’re out of the picture?” Ali asks. “She’s six and she’s been in the crosshairs of one messy, awful break-up already. She doesn’t need another.”

“I get that,” Kyle says. “But what happens when Mackenzie can no longer hang out with her best friend outside of school because things are awkward between you and her nanny?”

“First of all, she’s six,” Ali says again. “She has thirty best friends on any given day. But also, we’re adults. If something were to go wrong, we would be mature and set that aside for the sake of the girls. Brent and I are perfectly friendly.”

“Because you have to be,” Kyle says. “No offense, but if you didn’t have her, you and Brent would have broken up more than six years ago, and he wouldn’t even be a blip on your radar.”

“But I do have her, and I’m happy about it,” Ali says. “And she could do a lot worse than him for a father.”

“I’m not saying any different,” Kyle says gently.

“Liz has had four boyfriends in the past year, and plenty of hookups in between,” Ali says. “I’m a single woman and I still have the same desires as any other woman my age. I’ve thought this through from every angle, and I don’t decide what shoes to wear in the morning without thinking about Mac. If I thought this would hurt her in any way, I wouldn’t even consider it.” Her eyes water with tears. “She wants me, Kyle. She thinks I’m beautiful and desirable and smart, and she makes me feel like I am all those things. Maybe it’s stupid, maybe it’s the dumbest mistake I’ve made, but if it backfires on anyone, it’ll be me. Not Mackenzie.”

“You know I care about you too,” Kyle says, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and kissing her on top of her head. “If it backfires on you, I’ll care. And for the record, you are all of those things and more. And if she makes you believe it, and if you think this is the best thing for you, I’m by your side 100 percent.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> favorite line(s)/moment(s)?
> 
> <3
> 
> p.s. i'm working all week so i'm going to try my best to update and keep writing but please have patience :)


	5. the war outside our door keeps raging on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mackenzie's birthday brings with it an unwelcome surprise.

It isn’t until Mackenzie’s birthday is fast approaching that Ali considers when she should tell Brent about Ashlyn. When she was little, birthdays weren’t a huge affair because hers is so close to Christmas (six days before, in fact), but now that she is in school and best friends with everyone, she’s been chattering on about a birthday party.

First, Ali tries to convince her that most people go out of town before Christmas and that bringing cupcakes to school is a fair trade-off, but Mackenzie doesn’t buy it. Eventually, they settle on a compromise: Mac can choose four friends to invite a spa day for manicures and pedicures and then birthday cake and a sleepover after on the last day of school before break. Of course, Ali has to handle the actual logistics of inviting the girls through their parents so nobody ends up feeling left out at school.

It ends up trickier than she expects, mostly because Mackenzie includes Miss Press, Ashlyn and Kimberly, Brent’s girlfriend, in her list of four friends, along with Georgia. Ali makes another deal with her that she can invite them to the house for the birthday cake part, but that the other three girls should also be in her class. 

When Ali texts Ashlyn about it, she replies, “I’d love to if you think you can keep your hands off me for long enough ;)” She’s joking, of course, but the thought sends Ali’s mind into overdrive. She hadn’t even considered Ashlyn being in the same place as Brent and what that would be like.

All that brings Ali to the Sunday night before the big birthday party, sitting in her car in Brent’s driveway for way longer than usual, repeating the words she knows she has to say. When she finally works up the nerve to knock on the door, Mackenzie answers it, a huge grin on her face.

“Mommy!” She wraps her arms around Ali’s waist, and Ali knows nothing will ever be better than this. “I’m all packed up and ready!”

“That’s my responsible girl,” Ali says, kissing her on the forehead. She looks up to see Brent, who’s holding her suitcase. “But I need to talk to your daddy for a minute, okay?” Brent raises an eyebrow, and Ali mouths ‘alone.’

“Mac Attack, go check upstairs and make sure all the Legos are put away,” he says. She starts to protest, but he raises his eyebrows in a challenge, and she doesn’t bother, instead heading back up the stairs, fully aware she won’t win this one. “What’s up?”

“I wanted to talk to you about something before Friday,” Ali says. “You and Kimberly are coming to the party, right?”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Brent says.

“Okay, well, someone’s going to be there and I just wanted you to be aware of it.”

“Kyle?”

“No,” Ali laughs. “My parents will be, but they love you. And Liz, but, well, she’s Liz. This person is someone I’ve kind of been seeing.”

“Seeing as in…”

“Dating,” Ali says.

“And he’s coming to our daughter’s birthday party?” Brent asks. “How long have you been seeing him?”

“Well, for starters, she,” Ali says.

Brent’s face takes a moment to register, but when he does he has to physically shake himself of the confusion. “Oh,” he says. “I forgot that was like… an option.”

Ali has to bite back the laugh that’s threatening to escape. The very first night she met Brent she was at a sorority formal as a teammate’s date. He was there with a friend’s younger sister, and he was only recruited because the friend didn’t trust anyone else not to take advantage of his little sister (who, for the record, could totally hold her own and once kneed a creepy guy between the legs when he tried dancing with her after she said no).

Brent, and most of the other attendees, assumed they were there as just friends until she set him straight when he started to hit on her. Of course, it worked out for him in the end, but it hadn’t come up much in the time since.

“So Mackenzie has met this woman?”

“Sort of,” Ali says. “She doesn’t know the nature of our relationship.”

“Which is…”

“Not any of your business,” Ali retorts sharply. Brent recoils, putting his hands up in surrender. “Sorry, that’s not what—we’re dating. Nothing serious yet.”

“How did you meet her?”

“Remember how I told you Mac’s best friend is Carli Lloyd’s daughter?”

“You’re dating Carli Lloyd?” Brent exclaims.

“Her nanny,” Ali says. “Keep your voice down!”

“And she’s going to be at the party?”

“Yes, but you’re the only one who knows,” Ali says. “Mom and Dad have no idea, and to Mackenzie, she’s just Georgia’s nanny. I think she’s seen her more when playing with Georgia than when I’ve been around.”

“How long have you been… seeing her?”

“Just about two months or so,” Ali says. “Like I said, it’s very casual. I see her every other weekend when Mac is here and then from time to time when she volunteers at school or when Mac and Georgia have playdates.”

“Who else knows?”

“Just you, Kyle, and Liz,” Ali says. “You can tell Kimberly if you want, I don’t care. Just be cool, okay?”

“Of course,” he says. “I appreciate you telling me.”

“It’s the least I can do,” Ali says.

“I only forgot about a few of the Legos!” Mackenzie announces, bounding down the stairs. “But they’re all cleaned up now, I promise!”

“I believe you,” Brent says. He picks her up to squeeze her tightly. “I can’t believe next time I see you you’ll be a seven-year-old. Will I even recognize you?”

Mackenzie’s eyes open wide in terror, and she looks at Ali for answers.

“Of course you will, don’t scare her,” Ali says, rolling her eyes.

“Maybe to be safe we should have a code word,” Brent says, whispering something into her ear quickly. Mac nods and whispers it back. “Perfect,” he says, setting her back down. “Don’t forget it. See you guys Friday!”

“You’re going to hell,” Ali says just loud enough for him to hear it as Mackenzie opens the door to leave.

~

Needless to say, the first thing Mackenzie does when Brent and Kimberly walk into the house on Friday is run up to him and say their code word. Brent acts shocked that it’s her, and Ali rolls her eyes, but she can’t help but smile when she hears Mac’s delighted seven-year-old squeal.

This morning she decided Lucky Charms are for six-year-olds, and as a far more mature seven-year-old, she’d be eating what Ali eats for breakfast (rolled oats with berries). That lasted about two bites before she settled for Eggo waffles, the only thing there was time for before school. Luckily, at the nail salon, even when her friends decided on electric blue and purple, she still went with her classic baby pink, giving Ali hope that maybe she isn’t growing up too fast.

“Hey, good job on this seven years ago,” Brent says, ruffling Mac’s fine dark brown hair.

“Yeah, you did a decent job helping,” Ali says, greeting him with a hug.

“Are you going to introduce me?” Brent murmurs, looking at the blonde playing with the little girls behind her.

“Sure,” Ali says. “Just don’t make it weird, please.”

“Mommy, when will the pizza be here?”

“Soon, baby,” Ali says. “Why don’t you go see what your guests want to drink?” She smiles as Mackenzie practically twirls her way into the living room, feeling every bit the princess in the birthday dress she bought while shopping with her grandmother a few weeks ago.

Ashlyn looks up when she sees Mackenzie, immediately directing all her attention to the birthday girl. After a brief conversation, Mackenzie moves on to her friends, dutifully writing their drink orders on a napkin (Ali would love to see how her mom deals with reading her writing when she brings it into the kitchen), and Ashlyn looks up to see Ali and Brent looking at her.

“Hey,” she says, walking over.

“Ashlyn, this is Brent, Mackenzie’s dad,” Ali says. “And this is Kimberly.”

“Nice to meet you both,” Ashlyn says, hugging them one at a time in lieu of handshakes. “Mac’s an amazing kid, you should be proud.”

“We are,” Brent says.

“You know you can have a grown-up drink, right?” Ali asks Ashlyn, seeing Mackenzie with an arm full of juice boxes.

“What?” Ashlyn says, pretending to be shocked. “Who wouldn’t want a Splash Cooler Capri Sun? Those things were like currency back in the day.”

“I’ll make you a gin and tonic,” Ali laughs, resting a hand on Ashlyn’s shoulder. “Same for you guys?”

“Sure,” Kimberly says. “I’ll help you.”

When the doorbell rings signaling the arrival of the pizza, Brent and Ashlyn practically fight to help carry the boxes, and Ali rolls her eyes toward Kimberly.

“This should be fun to watch,” she says.

“I really appreciate you being cool about next weekend,” Kimberly says when they get to the kitchen.

“Well of course,” Ali says. “It’ll be hard doing Christmas without her, but it’s Brent’s turn. I’ll be happy to have her the rest of the weekend.”

Kimberly looks confused. “He didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“Alright, did someone order pizza?” Brent’s voice rings through the house as five girls run into the kitchen behind him, cutting their conversation short. It’s not like Ali and Kimberly spend too much time in one-on-one conversations—in fact, Ali usually avoids those situations like the plague—but she has a feeling this isn’t something that will be brought up in front of Brent.

When Kimberly gets up to use the restroom, Ali considers following, but Mackenzie grabs her attention first. When it’s time to serve the cake, Ali asks Kimberly to help light candles, but Liz follows closely behind. It isn’t until they’re clearing the table that they finally find themselves alone again, Brent taking out the trash with Ali’s dad and everyone else helping to get the girls settled in for a movie in the basement.

“So about next weekend,” Ali says.

“Oh, right,” Kimberly says. “Well, Christmas is Thursday, so the plan is that we’ll pick her up Wednesday and bring her back Sunday.”

“No,” Ali says slowly. “The plan is you pick her up Wednesday and bring her back Friday. Like a normal weekend.”

“Right, but that was before we made our New York plans.”

“What New York plans?” Ali asks, confused.

“Hey sweetheart, I’m heading out,” Ali’s dad says, walking into the dining room with Brent trailing behind him. “I’ll see you in a few days?”

“Yep,” Ali says, giving him a quick hug and kiss.

“Bye Mr. Krieger,” Brent says with a firm handshake. Finally, it’s just Ali, Brent, and Kimberly left in the room, and nobody says a word. “Uh, did we interrupt?”

“What’s this I hear about New York?” Ali asks, folding her arms across her chest.

“Um,” Brent says, looking between the two women. “Can we talk outside for a minute?”

Ali silently follows him out to the back porch, tapping her foot impatiently as she waits for him to start talking.

“So I bought the three of us train tickets to go into the city,” Brent says. “Leaving Friday, coming back Sunday. Kim’s parents live up there so I got tickets to the Lion King and thought we could have a nice little weekend.”

“Okay, so you’re letting Mac stay here till Friday?”

“Alex, we decided you’d get Thanksgiving this year and I’d get Christmas.”

“Right, for your allotted three days,” Ali says. “You can’t just decide you’re going to take a long weekend, especially going out of town.”

“You’ve been flexible before.”

“It’s Christmas!” Ali exclaims. She can feel her skin prickling with goosebumps and her teeth starting to chatter, and she knows it’s not just from the cold weather “Not to mention you can’t take her to another state without telling me! That’s not how this works. I’ve been flexible because I’ve never had a reason not to be, but I swear to God, if you start taking advantage of me, I’ll make you regret it.”

“Relax,” he says. “Can you just listen for five seconds? I can assure you I have a good reason.”

“I bet,” Ali says. “What?”

“I’m proposing.”

“What?” Ali breathes.

“I’m proposing to Kim this weekend. I wanted to do it when her parents could celebrate with us, and Mackenzie too. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“Yeah, me too,” Ali says. “If you think that’s a good enough reason to take my daughter to New York the weekend I’m supposed to be celebrating Christmas with her, though, you’re wrong.”

“Jesus, Alex. Your daughter? Don’t even start with that.”

“Leave,” Ali says.

“You’re kidding.”

“I’m not,” she says. “Go downstairs, kiss your daughter goodbye, and go home. I was having a really nice time up until now.”

“I didn’t want to have this conversation here,” he says.

“We should have had this conversation while talking about holidays back in fucking June,” Ali says, her voice shaking as she blinks her tears away, praying to God he doesn’t notice. “I’ll talk to you later this week, but right now I just want you to go.”

“Al?” Liz calls, popping her head out of the back door. “The girls are all settled and I have an early flight tomorrow, so I’m going to go home.” She takes in the sight in front of her and steps outside, closing the door. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” Ali says, making her voice as strong as she can. She can tell by the way Liz is looking between them that she doesn’t believe her. “Have a good trip. I’ll see you next weekend.”

“Okay,” Liz says slowly, walking toward Ali to hug her while keeping an eye on Brent. She doesn’t move to leave until Brent opens the door, and all three walk back in together, Brent and Liz sizing each other up all the while. “You’d tell me if something were wrong, right?” Liz whispers when Brent and Kimberly go downstairs to say goodbye.

“Of course,” Ali says, kissing her on the cheek. “Be safe. Be good.”

“You too,” Liz says.

Brent and Kimberly come back upstairs waving and mumbling their goodbyes before Liz actually leaves Ali’s side to get her things together and go. Ali’s mom is the next to leave, completely oblivious that anything happened, and Ali finds herself standing alone in the kitchen, numb and picking at a piece of birthday cake.

“Hey,” Ashlyn says, walking into the kitchen. “Those girls are exhausting. They couldn’t settle on one movie, so Mackenzie decided they should have a debate, with her vote being the deciding factor. So of course they’re watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”

Ali nods silently.

“You okay?” Ashlyn asks, furrowing her eyebrows. “They’re not really watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre. They’re watching Pocahontas.”

“Okay,” Ali says. “Thanks.”

Ashlyn looks around the kitchen before determining it’s okay to approach Ali, putting her hands on Ali’s waist and turning her body to face her. “What’s up?”

Ali stares straight at Ashlyn’s collarbone, lacking the energy to even meet her eyes. “Brent’s a fucking dick,” she says quietly.

“What did he do?”

“He was supposed to take Mac from Christmas Eve till the day after Christmas, but now he’s saying he’s taking her till Sunday and taking her to New York in that time.”

“What the hell?”

“Yeah,” Ali says. “And I don’t know what to do, because it’s not like I have any way of stopping him.” Her eyes well up with tears, and she tries blinking them away to no avail.

“Sure you do,” Ashlyn says. “You’re her mom. You worked out your custody arrangement.”

“Yeah, but we’ve made exceptions. Even letting him take her before the weekend is an exception.”

“Okay, well he should respect that,” Ashlyn says. “Or tell him you can go back to the original agreement, where he gets her on the weekend and you get her for Christmas.”

“His parents would hate me,” Ali says. “I don’t even care about that. I mean, I do, but I want her to get time with her dad and her other grandparents. I wouldn’t even care if he wanted to keep her through Sunday, like I’d work it out with him somehow.”

“You don’t want him taking her to New York,” Ashlyn says, nodding. “That makes sense. Don’t those things have to be cleared anyway?”

“I don’t know, I guess,” Ali says, the tears coming in streams now. Ashlyn rubs her shoulders as Ali tries to wipe her tears away.

“Sweetheart,” Ashlyn says softly, and they both freeze. She doesn’t know where that came from, but she knows it’s the worst possible time to have another relationship-defining conversation about if she’s allowed to say things like that.

“He’s proposing to her,” Ali says. “In New York. And he wants Mac to be there to celebrate.”

“Oh, Ali,” Ashlyn breathes, wrapping her arms around her tightly. Their conversations about Brent have never veered too far into the “what happened?” category, but she can imagine a six-year relationship involving a child and no ring might take a toll on a person, especially one who wears her heart on her sleeve like Ali does.

Ali heaves sobs into Ashlyn’s chest, her hands gripping onto Ashlyn’s shirt for dear life as Ashlyn rubs her back gently. “It’s so stupid,” she cries. “I’m not even—I don’t love him. I’m over him.”

“You were with him for six years,” Ashlyn says. “You’ve raised your child with him. You’re allowed to be affected by this.”

“I don’t want her to have another mom,” Ali says, burying her face into Ashlyn’s neck.

Ashlyn pulls back, lifting Ali’s chin with her hand so she’s looking up at her, eyes glistening with tears. Her face is red and streaked with tears and snot, but Ashlyn doesn’t see anything but those enormous chocolate eyes, sparkling against the bright kitchen lights.

“She will never have another mom,” Ashlyn says. “You are her mom. You gave birth to her seven years ago today, you are her hero and her best friend, you have raised her to be a beautiful, kind, caring, brilliant little girl, and you’re going to raise her to be an even more amazing woman. That’s you, Ali. She’s going to have hundreds of people in her life who love her and care for her and want what’s best for her, and the more the merrier, but she’s only going to have one mom.”

Ali takes a deep, shaky breath in, trying to collect herself. She reaches behind her for a napkin without taking her eyes off Ashlyn and dabs her eyes and wipes her nose.

Ashlyn cracks a small smile. “Who knew someone could be such a pretty crier,” she says.

“Shut up,” Ali grumbles.

“It’s not a line!” Ashlyn insists. “You’re beautiful.”

Ali presses up on her toes to kiss Ashlyn gently, letting her lips graze Ashlyn’s for a moment. Ashlyn doesn’t make any moves to deepen it, letting Ali take the lead, so she’s not surprised when Ali pulls away.

“Can you stay?” Ali asks.

“What?”

“I don’t want to be alone,” Ali says. “If you don’t want to, I get it, but—”

“No,” Ashlyn says. “That’s not it, it’s just that the girls are downstairs, and—”

“Far enough away that they won’t know the difference,” Ali says. “They won’t wake up till at least 8, and hopefully they won’t come upstairs looking for food for another hour after that. You can sneak out early and nobody will be any wiser.” She sees Ashlyn hesitating still, so she bites her lip and strokes Ashlyn’s cheek. “You’re leaving in a few days and won’t be back until January. I’m going to miss you.”

“You’re going to miss me or you’re going to miss having sex with me?”

“Can’t it be both?” Ali asks, pouting.

“Depends if you think you can keep quiet tonight,” Ashlyn murmurs into her ear, sending chills up and down Ali’s spine.

“I don’t think I’ll be the problem,” Ali says. “I haven’t given you your Christmas present yet.”

“Oh God,” Ashlyn groans, helpless as Ali drags her up the stairs to her bedroom and thankful that the house is big enough that two floors separate the party downstairs from the grown-up party upstairs.


	6. out of the woods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali's new obsession bothers Ashlyn, who puts her foot down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short (but necessary) chapter, so I wanted to give you a little treat before the weekend :) I'll have the next chapter up sometime tomorrow. Happy Friday!

Ali braids a tiny piece of Mac’s hair mindlessly while the seven-year-old lies on her stomach on Ali’s bed, tongue sticking out as she concentrates on her newest coloring book. Ali’s phone sounds from the nightstand, startling her, but she smiles when she sees it’s a FaceTime from Ashlyn.

“Merry Christmas!” Ali greets her, grinning as she sits up against the headboard.

“Merry Christmas to you,” Ashlyn says, clearly not anywhere near as awake as Ali is.

“Mac, show Ashlyn what Santa brought in your stocking!” Ali says, turning the camera to face her.

“Wow, will you color one for me?” Ashlyn asks.

“Yeah!” Mackenzie says. “When are you and Georgia coming to play?”

“Hopefully soon,” Ashlyn says. “I’ll get your mom to set up a date, okay?”

“Okay,” Mackenzie agrees.

“Sweetheart, go make sure your bags are all packed up for when Daddy gets here,” Ali says, and Mackenzie scampers away without a complaint.

“Fill me in?” Ashlyn asks, worry etched across her face. “I wouldn’t have called if I knew she’d be there.”

“No, you’re fine,” Ali says. “I made a deal with you-know-who where I could spend Christmas Eve and morning with her.”

“So he’s taking her to New York?”

“Yeah,” Ali sighs. “They leave tomorrow night. But I told him it was a shady thing to do and if he ever tries anything like it again, I’ll kill him.”

“Good,” Ashlyn says. “I’m glad it worked out.”

“And I get her for a vacation of my choosing in the summer,” Ali says. “I think he really does feel bad.”

“He should,” Ashlyn says. “I wanted to give you a call because I thought you might be sad, but I’ll let you go so you can spend time with her while you can.”

“Thanks,” Ali says. “That’s really thoughtful. If it makes you feel any better, I’ll probably be really sad tonight.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better at all,” Ashlyn laughs. “But feel free to give me a call whenever you need. My big Christmas plans involve lying around the house and eating till I can’t see my feet.”

“Those sound a lot like my plans,” Ali says, smiling sadly. As much as she wants to go bombard Mac with kisses and cuddles for as long as she can, something won’t let her hang up. “Merry Christmas. I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” Ashlyn says. “You better not be using my Christmas present without me.”

Ali laughs. “I hadn’t considered it before now, but maybe I’ll use it tonight. With you.”

“What Christmas present, Mama?” Mackenzie asks, bouncing back into the room.

Ashlyn turns bright red, and Ali’s eyes widen. “Okay, bye,” she says, hanging up quickly.

“What present?”

~

Kimberly says yes, of course, and the ring is beautiful, and Ali only has to fake her congratulations long enough for them to drop Mackenzie off when they return from New York.

She doesn't realize how hung up she is on it till Ashlyn calls her out one of the first nights she’s back in DC. They're sitting on the couch watching some true crime show while Ali scrolls through her Instagram, eventually finding herself obsessing over Kimberly’s pictures from the weekend as she does her best to avoid accidentally clicking “like” on any of them.

“You need to stop,” Ashlyn says without even looking at her.

“Stop what?” Ali asks, laying her phone face down on the arm of the couch.

“Looking at pictures of them,” Ashlyn says. “You'll get over it way quicker if you aren't constantly making yourself think about it.”

“I'm not,” Ali protests, but she doesn't pick her phone back up.

“I think I'm gonna go after this episode,” Ashlyn says.

“What? No, stay,” Ali says.

“I'm tired,” Ashlyn says. “And Georgia has a soccer game in the morning.”

“You can sleep,” Ali says.

“I don't think I will,” Ashlyn says. “Staying over here is never quite as restful as I think it will be.”

“I've never heard you complain,” Ali says. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing,” Ashlyn says. “I just don't want to stay over.”

Ali tries to hide the hurt in her face, but it doesn't matter because Ashlyn isn't looking at her anyway. “Why are you being so weird?”

“Why are you stalking your ex-boyfriend’s new fiancee on social media?”

“Why do you care?”

“Because I like you!” Ashlyn exclaims. “And I was fine moving at whatever pace you’re comfortable with, but I’m tired of being your friend with benefits, especially when it feels like I’m more of just a benefit than a friend.”

“You’re not,” Ali says, turning her body so she’s facing Ashlyn, her knee bumping against Ashlyn’s. “I don’t think of you that way.”

“Then how do you think of me?”

“As my girlfriend,” Ali says softly. “Or whatever I should call the person who lets me cry and makes me laugh and goes on dates with me.”

“You forgot the sex,” Ashlyn says.

“I could never,” Ali says, leaning in for a quick kiss. “I love that part, but I also love the texts that you’re thinking of me during the day and the way you play with the girls like you’re their age and when you make me feel like the most important person in the world even if I’m just talking about a hangnail.”

“Your fingernails are very important to me,” Ashlyn teases, kissing her again.

Ali takes a deep breath, threading her fingers through Ashlyn’s hair. “I was thinking maybe it’s time for Mac to meet my girlfriend.”

“You were thinking?” Ashlyn asks. “As in you’ve been thinking about it or you’re thinking about it because you think it’s what I want to hear right now?”

“I've really been thinking about it,” Ali says. “Since her birthday. I swear. I want her to get to know you as more than just Georgia’s nanny. Because you're important to me, and obviously so is she.”

“It’s up to you,” Ashlyn says. “I won’t be offended if you change your mind.”

“I won’t,” Ali says. “This is what I want.”

~

They make plans for Wednesday night, which is Mac’s night to choose dinner. She doesn’t seem to have any grasp on the difference between eating at a nice restaurant and eating frozen chicken nuggets, so she’ll choose whichever one strikes her fancy. This week, she decides she wants breakfast for dinner at Ted’s Bulletin, one of their classic favorites.

“Sweetheart,” Ali says gently, brushing Mac’s hair back to French braid it. “How would you feel if Ashlyn joins us for dinner?”

“Breakfast for dinner,” Mackenzie corrects her.

“Duh, how could I forget?” Ali says. “Can Ashlyn come to breakfast for dinner?”

“Yeah!” Mackenzie says. “Georgia borrowed my ponytail holder at recess and never gave it back.”

“You have like a hundred,” Ali says. “But it’s just going to be me, you, and Ashlyn. Is that okay?”

Mackenzie shrugs. “Yeah,” she says. “Why not?”

Ali fires off a text to Ashlyn that the plan is a go, and by the time she and Mackenzie pull into the parking lot, Ashlyn’s Jeep is already there.

Ashlyn is pacing back and forth near the entrance when Mackenzie and Ali approach, and she only stops when she sees them, smiling brightly. “Hey!” She gives Ali an awkward hug because she isn’t sure whether she should go for the cheek kiss. “I, uh, got us a table already.”

Ashlyn’s first mistake comes when the waitress takes their orders and she decides on a hamburger.

“Breakfast!” Mackenzie exclaims, aghast that Ashlyn would break the tradition.

“Baby, she can order whatever she wants,” Ali says, but Ashlyn is already re-ordering an omelette with bacon on the side. “You didn’t have to do that,” she whispers, but she’s met only with a wink.

The rest of the meal goes off without a hitch. Mackenzie and Ashlyn play with their food far too much for Ali’s liking, but she can’t help but smile at the interaction.

“Are you going to come over for ice cream?” Mackenzie asks as Ashlyn collects the check.

Ashlyn is happy for the distraction, because Mac interrupts Ali’s protests that she’ll pay for the meal. “I guess that’s up to your mom,” she says.

“We do sundaes on our special nights,” Ali explains. “You’re welcome to join.”

“We have cherries!”

“Well, I can’t say no to cherries,” Ashlyn laughs.

~

After two bowls of ice cream each (Mackenzie decided Ashlyn’s presence was a special occasion), Ali finally gets Mackenzie bathed and into bed, where Mackenzie reads her a chapter of the book she brought home from the school library. Ali helps her sound out some of the bigger words, but all in all, she’s incredulous about how smoothly Mac flips through the pages.

“Good job, my love,” Ali says, kissing her on the head. “What was your favorite part?”

“I liked when the nice blind witch lady made the girl a peanut butter sandwich,” Mackenzie says.

“Why did you like that?”

“Because she wasn’t really a mean witch. And she gave the puppy peanut butter too.”

“Do you think she’ll be friends with the lady now?”

Mackenzie nods earnestly, snuggling into Ali’s side, a sure sign that she’s getting sleepy.

“Did you have fun tonight?” Ali asks. Mackenzie just nods again. “Ashlyn’s really nice, isn’t she?” Another nod. Now Mackenzie is twirling Ali’s hair around her finger, so she knows her time is limited. “Do you think she can come over again soon? Or maybe we can go do something fun like see a movie or go bowling together.”

“Can I have a pink ball?”

“Of course,” Ali laughs.

“Can Georgia come?”

“Maybe,” Ali says. “But sometimes Ashlyn is going to spend time with us without her. Is that okay?”

“I guess,” Mackenzie says, but she doesn’t seem convinced.

This is harder than Ali thought it would be, and it doesn’t help that Mac is being uncharacteristically cuddly tonight. “Ashlyn is really special to me,” she says. “Like Kimberly is special to Daddy.”

That gets Mackenzie’s attention. “Are you marrying her? Can I be your flower girl?”

Ali laughs. “No,” she says. “Not anytime soon, anyway. But how would you feel about that?”

“Could I get a new dress?”

“Sure,” Ali says, rolling her eyes at Mac’s very distinct priorities even though she knows the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> favorite line(s)? special prize (my everlasting love and affection and maybe a future cameo) for anyone who knows what book mac and ali are reading ;)


	7. the bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet (i'll catch you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A misunderstanding leads to a fight (which leads to another one).

Mackenzie was an angel baby who has grown up to be an angel child. Aside from sporadic mood swings and the rare temper tantrum at home, Ali has never had to worry about her little girl causing trouble for anyone or misbehaving in public, especially at school, where all her teachers and administrators adore her to bits.

That’s why Ali thinks something must be horribly wrong when she gets a call from the headmaster’s office at school saying Mackenzie had been brought in and she needed to be at school immediately. She’s on a work “break” when the phone rings, which really means Ashlyn came over to keep her company and they both ended up distracted making out on the couch. It’s only when she gets off the phone that she checks her texts and sees a message from Christen simply saying, “don’t freak out when school calls, just had a little incident in class. Mackenzie is fine.”

This does little to ease Ali’s nerves, so Ashlyn volunteers to drive her. On the way, she receives her own call about Georgia. The secretary won’t give her any information, just that she needs to be there as soon as she can.

Ashlyn squeezes Ali’s hand before dropping it to open the door for her when they get to the school.

“Ms. Krieger,” the secretary says, standing up. “I’m so sorry to call you in.”

“It’s okay,” Ali says. “This is Ashlyn Harris, she’s Georgia’s emergency contact. Is everything okay?”

“I’ll let you speak with Mrs. Holiday,” she says, typing quickly into her computer. “Feel free to have a seat while you wait.”

Before they have a chance to sit, the headmaster comes out. She’s always been one of Ali’s favorite people at the school, and she insists on being called Lauren by all the parents, but today Ali thinks they are probably on more professional terms. She smiles when she sees Ali, which doesn’t help. All Ali wants is to grab Ashlyn’s hand, but she knows it’s a bad idea now more than ever.

“What happened?” Ali asks, following Lauren into her office, where Mackenzie is sitting on a chair, staring at her hands in her lap. Georgia is in another, eyes red and puffy, and Ashlyn rushes to her. When she puts her arms around the little girl, Georgia bursts into tears again, burying her face in Ashlyn’s neck.

“It’s okay,” Ashlyn whispers, rubbing her back.

“Can you tell us what’s going on?” Ali asks sharply, sitting in the empty chair beside Mackenzie, who still won’t look up to meet her gaze.

“Miss Press called the office and said there was an issue with the two girls that disrupted the class during a science lesson,” Lauren says. “Neither one of them has ever given us trouble before, so I was certainly surprised to see them both.”

“I am too,” Ali says. As much as she wants to believe her daughter couldn’t possibly be at fault here, one look between the two girls tells her she might be in for a surprise. “Mac? Can you tell me what happened?”

“I didn’t mean to,” Mackenzie says quietly.

“Didn’t mean to what?”

“Are you leaving?” Georgia asks Ashlyn, her lip quivering.

“No, I’m staying here till this is all taken care of,” Ashlyn says, looking up at Ali with concern.

“She said you were leaving,” Georgia says. “She said you’re going to be her nanny now.”

“What?” Ali says. “Mackenzie? Did you say that?”

Mac nods solemnly.

“Sweetheart, that’s not true,” Ali says. “Why did you say that?”

“Because,” Mackenzie says. “You said she’s spending time with us without Georgia, and she sleeps at our house too.”

Ali turns bright red, well aware that an administrator is in the room as well. Ashlyn has only slept over twice since Ali decided to tell Mackenzie about their relationship, and both times were on the weekends when Ashlyn came over to watch movies and stayed up talking with Ali till the wee hours in the morning. And Ashlyn slept in the guest room both times, but that means very little to a seven-year-old who doesn’t understand the implication behind her honest words. “Honey, Ashlyn lives with Georgia, you know that.”

Mackenzie’s eyes fill with tears as she realizes her mistake. “I didn’t mean to,” she says again.

Ali wraps an arm around her shaking daughter, looking up at Ashlyn with a bewildered look.

“Georgia, I’m not leaving you,” Ashlyn says, lifting Georgia’s face so she can look her in the eyes. “And Kenzie didn’t say that to hurt your feelings.”

“Do you really sleep at her house?” Georgia asks in a small voice.

“Sometimes,” Ashlyn answers, figuring honesty now is better than being found out later. “Only when I don’t have plans with you.”

“Why?” Georgia asks. “Don’t you like it at home?”

“I do,” Ashlyn says. “I love you so much, and that will never change.” She racks her brain for how to best explain this to a six-year-old. “Is Kenzie still your best friend even though she hurt your feelings?”

“I’m sorry,” Mackenzie says. “I didn’t mean to.”

Georgia nods.

“Well, you know how when you’re best friends with someone you want to spend time with them?” Ashlyn asks. “That’s how I feel about Miss Ali. And just like you and Kenzie have sleepovers, sometimes we do too. And just because you have a sleepover with Kenzie one night doesn’t mean you and I aren’t still best buds, right?”

Georgia nods again, resting her head on Ashlyn’s shoulder.

“I’m really sorry about all this,” Ali says, still reeling from Mackenzie’s revelation about their adult sleepovers in front of the headmaster.

“Not a problem,” Lauren says. “I was going to have them return to class, but I can see it's been a very emotional day so far, and it's already almost 1, so why don't you take them home?”

Ashlyn looks at Ali, who nods.

“As for you two,” Lauren says, looking between the girls. “Can I see a hug before you go?”

Ali taps Mackenzie’s knee, and she stands up. Georgia is slightly more hesitant till Ashlyn nudges her forward, and eventually the two girls embrace.

Lauren gives them all an empathetic smile as they leave in silence, Ashlyn holding Georgia’s hand.

Ashlyn brings the girls to her Jeep while Ali goes back to the classroom to gather their belongings.

“Ali, I’m so sorry,” Christen whispers, rushing up to her. The kids are all playing at their different “learning stations,” which Ali knows is Mac’s favorite part of the day.

“You didn’t do anything,” Ali says. “They’re all better now, and I know Mackenzie at least will be writing a very sincere apology tonight.”

Christen smiles. “I’m glad things are good,” she says. “Is it… because of what I think?”

Ali sighs. “Yeah,” she says, and Christen can hardly contain her squeal. Christen and HAO have been pestering her about her friendship with Ashlyn for weeks, but up till now, Ali hadn’t cracked. “Do not let it get around.”

“Can I tell Tobin?”

“That’s it,” Ali says. “Seriously!”

“Promise,” Christen says, hugging her quickly. “Tell the girls we miss them and will see them tomorrow.”

When Ali gets back to the car, the mood has changed significantly, and both girls are chattering away like usual. Ali sighs with relief, and Ashlyn brings her hand to her lips for a quick kiss.

“I’m gonna get chocolate!” Mackenzie exclaims.

“I want strawberry!” Georgia adds.

“What are they talking about?” Ali asks.

“Froyo,” Ashlyn says. “I told them we could go get some.”

“What?” Ali says in disbelief. “You think we should reward them for that behavior?”

“What behavior? It was a misunderstanding.”

“Yeah, that led to a catfight bad enough for them to get sent to the headmaster’s office.”

“They’ve clearly learned their lesson.”

“Why? Because they’re being nice to each other now that they get to leave school early and get frozen yogurt?” Ali scoffs, folding her arms across her chest.

“We don’t have to,” Ashlyn says.

“So I can be the bad guy?” Ali asks. “No thanks. We can go, then you can take us home. Just drive.”

Ali doesn’t hide her displeasure the rest of the time, and when they get back to her house, she can’t get out of the car fast enough.

“Drama queen,” Ashlyn mutters under her breath, but it’s a bad move.

“Excuse me?” Ali asks, practically seething.

“You really want me to repeat myself?” Ashlyn asks.

“Fine,” Ali says. “Come in. If you want to talk, we’ll talk.”

“Girls, go downstairs and do your homework,” Ashlyn says when they get in the house. “G, I’ll come get you when it’s time to go.” The girls take off toward the basement, their backpacks bouncing on their backs. “No TV till it’s all done!” Ashlyn calls after them.

Ali is still fuming, which she makes abundantly clear by slamming the cupboard doors as hard as she can as she makes herself a glass of water, not offering any to Ashlyn. It’s almost comical to watch because the cupboards are slam-proof, but Ashlyn knows if she laughs, the water she’s in will get even hotter.

“Listen,” Ashlyn starts, and Ali turns on her heel, raising an eyebrow expectantly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think. I was just happy the girls were okay and that everything was fixable. Finding out they were in trouble wasn’t exactly easy on me either.”

“It’s not even that I’m pissed about,” Ali says. “It’s that you didn’t even consider that I should have a say in the decision before telling them and getting them all excited.”

“You’re right,” Ashlyn says. “But I could have told them never mind.”

“I don’t break promises to my child,” Ali says. “And you shouldn’t get in that habit either.”

“Well then I’m in a lose-lose situation, aren’t I?” Ashlyn exclaims, exasperated. “You won’t accept my apology but you won’t let me fix anything you’re mad at me for.”

“I don’t want you to fix it, I want you to understand,” Ali says. “I want your apology to mean something and not just be an easy way for you to get out of me being upset.”

“I am sorry!” Ashlyn insists. “I really am. But you don’t get to act like a child just because you’re upset with me. And you can’t expect me to just know everything. We haven’t been dating for that long, and I have a hell of a lot to learn about you. But the main thing you need to know about me is I love you, and that’s why I’m going to try to understand. And that’s why I’m willing to learn all the little things, like how you take your coffee and how long you can cuddle in the mornings before getting restless and where you got the scar on the back of your right hand. But also the big things like where you see me fitting into your life with Mackenzie and which words hurt you the most and where you want to be in five years.”

“Ashlyn,” Ali says.

“Let me finish, I’m trying to be romantic,” Ashlyn says. “New relationships are exciting and sexy and fun, but they’re hard. And there are going to be growing pains, but—”

“I know that,” Ali says, cutting her off. “But if you would stop talking for half a second I could tell you that I love you too.”

“You what?” Ashlyn asks, taken aback. “What do you mean too? Did I—” She backtracks in her mind, eyes widening when she realizes what she said.

“I know you were rambling, you don’t have to say it again till you’re ready,” Ali says. “But I’ve felt this way for a while. At least since that night when I was crying in here and you just held me. You didn’t try to fix it, you didn’t try to perk me up, you just let me cry.”

“And then you propositioned me,” Ashlyn adds.

“And made you see stars all night, don’t act like you didn’t like it.”

“I do,” Ashlyn says. “I love you. I just didn’t know when—this is all new territory to me.”

“You’re doing pretty well so far,” Ali says, smirking. “Got out of our first real fight.”

Ashlyn winces. “I hate that word.”

“Disagreement,” Ali corrects. “But there’s only one way to end it officially.”

Ashlyn is confused till she notices Ali leaning forward, and she smiles as Ali’s lips meet her own. “I wasn’t trying to just get out of the argument.”

“I know,” Ali says. “I wouldn’t have let you get away with that.”

“I need to take Georgia home soon,” Ashlyn says, leaning her forehead against Ali’s. She can't resist kissing her again. 

“When can you come over tomorrow?” Ali asks. “Mac’s leaving for Brent’s, so I can make us dinner or make reservations somewhere.”

“I don’t think I should spend the weekend here,” Ashlyn says.

“What?” Ali asks, more disappointed than upset. “We won’t get another chance for two weeks.” She doesn’t specify, but they both know what they won’t get the “chance” to do.

“First of all, that’s a damned lie, Miss Afternoon Delight,” Ashlyn teases. “And I plan on taking advantage of all our chances this weekend, but maybe you should come to mine.”

Ali cringes.

“It’s a totally separate house,” Ashlyn insists.

“Yeah, but won’t breakfast be awkward?”

“No,” Ashlyn says. “Not more awkward than Mac telling the headmaster we have sleepovers.”

“I don’t think anything could be.”

“I just think I need to spend some time with Georgia where she can be my main focus and not feel like I’m abandoning her,” Ashlyn says. “And I know it sounds silly because she’s not my kid, but it’s kind of important to me that she likes you and trusts you. As my girlfriend.”

“It doesn’t sound silly,” Ali says. “If I won’t get in the way of all that, I’d love to.”

“As long as you can keep the neediness to the bedroom, I think I can make it work,” Ashlyn says.

Ali rolls her eyes and kisses her again. “How do I explain this to Mackenzie? I can't believe she thought you were her nanny. She's never even had a babysitter except for Liz and my family.”

“Yeah, and she's never had a Mom’s girlfriend,” Ashlyn laughs, rubbing Ali’s shoulders. “And I've never had a girlfriend’s daughter. So we’re all figuring things out.”

“Thanks for figuring it out with me,” Ali murmurs into her lips.

“There's no one I’d rather figure it out with.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> favorite line(s)/moment(s)??


	8. sweeter than fiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlyn whisks Ali away for a romantic weekend in... St. Louis?

Ali learns quickly that there are good and bad things about Ashlyn’s schedule. The good thing is it's dependable and flexible, meaning Ashlyn usually has plenty of time, especially during the week, to have midweek brunch dates and early afternoon naps with Ali.

The not-so-great thing is that because of Carli and Brian’s schedules, weekends tend to be tricky. When Mackenzie is with Ali, they can usually get together for playdates, and when Mackenzie is with Brent, Ali has taken to visiting Ashlyn and Georgia, usually delivering some kind of baked good, and Ashlyn does her part by trying to get as many evenings as possible off. These days, though, in the lead-up to the World Cup, Carli is almost never in town. Brian tries to take Georgia to visit as often as he can, but his job leads to him working on the weekends, so Ashlyn often gets the responsibility of being Georgia’s travel companion.

Perhaps the most difficult thing about Ashlyn’s job is that when she’s tied up with Georgia, she’s almost impossible to get a hold of. At first it annoyed Ali that it could take Ashlyn hours to text back a simple answer to a yes or no question, but after spending a day with just her and Georgia and realizing that she never once looks at her phone when they’re engaged in play or homework or conversation, it all made sense.

It's a blessing in disguise, Ali convinces herself, because she's able to focus on her work, and now a single random text from Ashlyn can make her whole day. Then again, it's not so good when Ali’s on a strict deadline and suddenly gets distracted by the sharp ding of her phone.

“What are u and mac doing for spring break?”

“Ummm, no plans as of now, but I think we’re going to try and see Kyle at some point.”

“April 4,” Ashlyn replies.

Ali opens her iPhone calendar for that Saturday. “Nothing planned, why?”

“Don't make plans that weekend,” Ashlyn replies. “I'll call you later to explain.”

“I hate surprises,” Ali reminds her.

Ashlyn sends back only a wink emoji. “You'll like this one,” she says as a follow-up.

~

“St. Louis?” Ali asks. She's in the carpool line to pick up Mackenzie when Ashlyn finally calls. In the past three hours, Ali had plenty of time to finish her work project, but naturally she spent that time obsessing over Ashlyn’s surprise. “What the hell is in St. Louis?”

“A soccer game!” Ashlyn exclaims, the excitement in her voice filling the car. “Carli’s going to be in camp through the end of March, and there's a game in St. Louis against New Zealand. I was booking flights and hotel rooms when I texted you.”

“You're nuts,” Ali laughs. “Tell me you didn't buy plane tickets for me and Mackenzie.”

“I definitely did not do that.”

“Ashlyn…”

“They're comped!” Ashlyn insists. “But they're under your names, so there's no taking it back. You're coming or they're going to waste.”

“Okay,” Ali says. “We’re in. When do we leave?”

“Yes!” Ashlyn exclaims. “Our flight is on Friday morning.”

“So the girls are skipping school.”

“Playing hooky sounds more fun,” Ashlyn says. “Don’t be a stick in the mud.”

“Fine, fine,” Ali sighs. “You’re really sweet to think of us.”

“Who else is going to keep me company when the Hollinses want to do their cute family stuff? I need my own squad.”

“Happy to help,” Ali says.

“We got two bedrooms, but I can add another,” Ashlyn says. “I wasn’t sure how you’d want to do that.”

 

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Brian and Georgia will probably share a room, which leaves one for me, you, and Mackenzie. There are two double beds, so I can take one and you two can share the other, but if you’d rather, I can get my own room.”

“Why do I get stuck with the kicker?” Ali asks. “Why don’t we get her her own room and you and I can have a proper slumber party?”

“Who’s having a slumber party?” Mac asks, climbing into the car.

Ashlyn laughs on the other end of the phone.

“We’re having a slumber party with Ashlyn, won’t that be fun?” Ali asks, answering Ashlyn’s question. 

“Yeah!” Mackenzie says “Tonight?”

“It’s a school night, silly,” Ali says. “Ash, I'll talk to you later. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Ashlyn says.

“I love you Ashlyn!” Mackenzie chimes in.

Ali can swear she hears Ashlyn beaming through the Bluetooth before she ends the call.

~

Brent meets Ali with only a tiny amount of resistance about taking Mackenzie to St. Louis, not that he really has a say one way or another, and his only qualm is with how fast he thinks Ali and Ashlyn are moving. When Ali reminds him he got engaged to another woman a year and a half after they broke up, he shuts up and gives her his blessing.

Mackenzie feels cheated when she realizes even though she gets to skip school on the last day before Spring Break, she still has to wake up early, so Ali has a cranky little girl on her hands all the way through security and up until they finally reach their version of Mecca: the airport Starbucks.

Of course, Mackenzie turns into the perfect angel as soon as she sees Brian, Ashlyn, and Georgia, even leading Ashlyn to comment “she doesn’t seem that crabby” when she kisses Ali on the cheek, which wins her quite the death glare from her girlfriend.

It isn’t till they’re on the plane, Ali and Mackenzie on one side of the plane and Ashlyn, Georgia, and Brian just across the aisle, that Ali realizes it’s the first trip she’s been on with Ashlyn, and it feels like a big milestone. Mackenzie and Ashlyn work out a trade so Mac can play cards quietly with Georgia and Brian while Ashlyn can hold Ali’s hand and feel for a fleeting moment what it might be like to be headed on a lovers’ getaway. To somewhere a little more romantic than St. Louis.

Ashlyn watches Ali as she works on her laptop, glasses on and hair in a bun. She looks so soft in her yoga pants and plain white T-shirt, and Ashlyn wants to snuggle into her side, but she resists. After all, if Ali finishes her work now, there will be plenty of time to snuggle when they get to St. Louis. Well, if they can find a second to breathe anywhere in the jam-packed sightseeing itinerary Ali has planned. Ashlyn wasn’t even aware there was that much to do in St. Louis, but Ali had done her research.

“Stop it,” Ali says quietly.

“Stop what?” Ashlyn asks, playing dumb.

“Staring at me.”

“Kiss me and I’ll stop.”

“No,” Ali whines. “Brian’s right there.”

“He’s sleeping,” Ashlyn says, looking across the aisle where Brian’s head is rolled to the side, his mouth wide open as he snores.

“You’ll stop looking at me and let me finish my work?”

Ashlyn nods, and Ali rolls her eyes, pecking Ashlyn on the lips quickly.

“Happy?”

Ashlyn hums an affirmative response, looking away from Ali and focusing on the SkyMall magazine in her hands. It takes less than a minute for Ali to slam her laptop shut and turn to Ashlyn.

“Fine,” she says. “You win.”

“Hm?” Ashlyn asks, pretending not to pay attention to her.

“You wanted my attention, you've got it.”

“Oh, no I just wanted a kiss,” Ashlyn says. “Don't use me as an excuse to procrastinate.”

Ali glares at her, but Ashlyn just raises an eyebrow until Ali gets an idea. She leans into Ashlyn’s ear and whispers her ideas about what they could do on the plane if it weren't for the kids and Brian and overall public decency till Ashlyn is squirming in her seat.

Ashlyn reminds Ali of the plane incident later that night when she's grumbling about having to finish a blog post in the hotel room while Brian and Ashlyn enjoy some drinks and the girls enjoy Shirley Temples downstairs at the bar after a long afternoon of sightseeing, but she still brings Ali a Long Island iced tea to ease her pouting.

“Mama, I’m sleepy,” Mac says, crawling into bed next to Ali after changing into her pajamas.

“I know you are, baby girl,” Ali says. “You’ve had a long day.”

“Can we read my book?”

“If you read it to me, of course,” Ali says, reaching for her backpack.

“I’m gonna go take a shower,” Ashlyn says, taking her clothes out of the suitcase. Ali and Mackenzie look every bit the cozy family, and she doesn’t want to intrude. When she emerges, Mac is just finishing up the chapter, barely holding back her yawns.

“Good job,” Ali says before asking Mackenzie some questions about the chapter.

Ashlyn smiles as she towels off her hair and listens, knowing the book they’re talking about. “I love that book,” she says. “I don’t think I read it until I was in third or fourth grade, though.”

Ali smiles proudly. “My little bookworm,” she says.

“What’s your favorite part?” Mackenzie asks.

“I’ll tell you when you get to the end,” Ashlyn says with a wink. “I don’t want to spoil the ending. But my favorite character is Charlotte.”

“That’s Mommy’s favorite character!” Mackenzie exclaims. “I like Wilbur, the pig.”

“That makes sense,” Ashlyn says. “Charlotte is very smart, just like your mom. And she loves Wilbur a lot.”

Ali smiles, kissing Mackenzie on the forehead. “Alright, let’s get my radiant girl to bed,” she says.

“But I’m not tired,” Ashlyn protests, making Mackenzie giggle.

“Good night, Mommy,” she says, snuggling under the sheets as Ali tucks her in and gives her a kiss. “Good night, Ashlyn. Will you read with me tomorrow night?”

“You can count on it,” Ashlyn says before following Ali as she slips out to the balcony through the sliding glass door.

“You’re so good,” Ali says, kissing Ashlyn for the first time since the plane. “She loves you.”

“I love her,” Ashlyn says. “Almost as much as I love her mom.” She sits down on one of the chaise lounges on the balcony, and instead of sitting on the other, Ali slots herself in between Ashlyn’s legs, leaning back on her chest.

Ashlyn wraps her arms around Ali’s waist and breathes in her fresh scent. She knows she brought her own shampoo and conditioner because they battled for hours the night before about whether Ali really needed to check a bag and why couldn’t she just use a carry-on like everyone else? Now Ashlyn is glad she let Ali win (though Ali might have perceived the ending differently).

“You’ve never told me the story,” Ashlyn says softly. “You know, about Mac.”

“There’s not much to tell,” Ali says. “I was 20, it was my junior year of college, and Brent and I weren’t nearly as careful as we should have been.”

“How did you find out?”

“It’s so cliche,” Ali laughs. “I was sick, and I thought for sure it was food poisoning, but it came and went in waves, and finally the athletic trainers told me to take a test.”

Ashlyn tries to imagine being in that situation, how Ali must have felt looking at the test that held so much more than she could have ever anticipated.

“I was alone when I found out, and my first thought was if I could get away with just not telling anyone, not even Brent,” she says. “But then I thought about what that would mean, you know, not going through with it, and I knew Brent needed to know.”

“Did he talk you out of it?”

“No,” Ali says. “I talked myself out of it. I waited about a week to tell anyone. I wanted to tell Kyle so bad, but he—wasn’t himself.”

Ashlyn nods. She knows about Kyle’s past and the years he wasn’t around for Ali when she needed him.

“I finally told Brent, and to say he freaked out would be putting it nicely. First he said we needed to get married, then he almost had a heart attack about telling his parents. He calmed down eventually, and we were able to talk it through. I told him I already knew I was keeping her—I said her like I knew it was a girl from the start—and that he could stay or go but there would be no talking me out of it.”

“Even though you had to give up Germany?”

“I was in denial about it for a while,” Ali says. “I thought I could have her and bounce back, but that didn’t happen. I had to take an entire season off, my senior season. I couldn’t drink on my 21st birthday. It was so isolating, like it was just me and Brent in this thing together, and even he couldn’t relate. He could go to class without getting weird looks, you know? The only people who knew were people he decided to tell and people who knew me. My friends tried, but they didn’t know what to do.”

“How about your parents?”

“My dad cried,” Ali says. “He knew soccer was over for me. My mom was upset because she didn’t want me to be stuck with Brent forever. I mean, she adored him, don’t get me wrong, but she didn’t want me tied down to anyone. When Kyle found out, he came home and got help. That was the biggest blessing that came out of it until December 19 when I actually got to hold her and kiss her. Going through it was the hardest thing I’d ever done, but she’s worth it and then some.”

“Where did you live when she was born?”

“We were in college still, but it was Christmas break, so I was at home with my family, and Brent came along because I was about to pop. When he went back to school I enrolled in distance learning so I could finish my degree at home, and then the plan was for me to join him in Florida when he moved for med school.”

“How'd you end up here?”

“I couldn't imagine leaving my parents after they'd helped me so much and going to a new city where I had no friends. I cried for three weeks just thinking about it, and Brent hated that I was upset, but it was his dream school and he didn't want to miss all of Mac’s baby milestones.”

“So you went?”

“I went for two weeks,” Ali laughs. “I hated every minute of it, and Brent didn't want me to be miserable, so I went home. We’d visit every weekend, whether I went there or he came to DC or we’d meet halfway. He really was trying, and it meant a lot.”

“How long did you have to do that?”

“Just a semester,” Ali says. “He transferred to a school closer to me, but Mac was almost a year old and I was still going to be living with my Mom. So for Christmas my dad surprised us with a house.”

“Holy shit,” Ashlyn breathes.

“Yeah,” Ali says, her cheeks turning pink. “Hence the so-called mansion, right? He put the down payment on it, but we were responsible for paying for the rest, which got a lot easier when Brent actually started making a surgeon’s salary.”

“So you could actually live together and be a family.”

“Exactly,” Ali says. “It really changed things. We both felt so much more grown up and suddenly we were responsible for things like bills and calling the plumber and taking care of a baby all by ourselves. It matured us pretty quickly.”

“And yet you don't have a wrinkle in sight,” Ashlyn teases.

“I feel like I have a million gray hairs though,” Ali says.

“You know you’re kind of a badass,” Ashlyn says. She doesn’t have to look at Ali to know she’s blushing. “Isn’t it crazy to think that if you had gone to Germany, our paths could have crossed there?”

“I think about that a lot actually,” Ali laughs. “I’m kind of glad we met how we did, though. I think everything worked out the way it was supposed to.”

“You think?” Ashlyn teases.

“Is it too soon to say that?” Ali asks, almost as if she’s just wondering aloud.

“I mean, if it’s not too soon to say I love you, I don’t think it’s too soon to say anything,” Ashlyn says. “Timelines are stupid. Whatever we’re feeling, we should be open about it. When you don’t talk about things, you’ll just hurt each other’s feelings and crash and burn. I’m crazy about you, but I’m serious about this relationship.”

“Okay, then can I ask you something? I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.” Ali finds her confidence growing, and she thinks it has something to do with the fact that she isn’t looking Ashlyn in the eye.

“Of course.”

“How long do you plan to be with the Hollinses?”

“What do you mean?” Ashlyn asks, but she knows exactly what Ali means.

“I mean,” Ali says, turning her head slightly. “You’ve been with them coming up on four years. Obviously they love you, but Georgia’s almost seven.”

“Ali—”

“I don’t want to upset you,” Ali says. “We’ve just never talked about it. Will you go home? What’s next? Have you even thought about it?”

“Have I thought about it? I’ve been thinking about it for years. This isn’t easy. I got so attached to her so fast I could never imagine leaving. Which was fine because she needed me and I didn’t have any other obligations. Four years later, she needs me less every day, but we’re both even more attached. Meanwhile, I’m in love with this woman who makes me think about scary things like the future and what the hell is next, and I’m realizing I do have other obligations and things to take into consideration when making my next move.”

“I’m sorry,” Ali says, sitting up to move away from Ashlyn, but Ashlyn pulls her back down to her chest.

“Don’t be,” she says. “I want to talk about this with you.”

“What do you want to do?” Ali asks. “After being a nanny?”

“My degree is in high school counseling,” Ashlyn says. “Brian and Carli paid for me to get my master’s when we were living in New Jersey.”

“Ashlyn,” Ali says, straining her neck to look at Ashlyn. “You’ve never mentioned that before.”

Ashlyn shrugs. “I like to be present,” she says. “It’s something I’d like to try down the line, but right now my job is with Georgia, and it wouldn’t be fair to her if I were looking for something else.”

“It’s not a betrayal to pursue things that are going to make you happy,” Ali says. “You can’t imagine the nights I spent crying when we started dating about how selfish I felt and how unfair I thought I was being to Mackenzie. Liz was the one who talked me off the ledge with some tough love.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Brent was my person,” Ali says. “He was my partner, my best friend, the one person who was always going to be on my team. And he left, and I needed someone to shift that onto, so I made it Mackenzie. And not only was that unfair to her because she can’t possibly be everything I need in a support system, it was unfair to me. And if you make me happy, I’m only denying myself good things by not being with you. If you plan your life around Georgia, what happens when they don’t need you anymore? What happens when she can care for herself and you still have all this life left to live?”

Ashlyn kisses Ali on the top of her head. “Those are some big questions,” she sighs. “I don’t think I’ll have all the answers tonight.”

“You don’t have to,” Ali says, squeezing Ashlyn’s hand. “I just want to know that you’re not putting yourself on the back burner.”

“Does it count as putting myself on the back burner if the first time I planned an out-of-town trip with my girlfriend I decided it would be a good idea to share a room with her and her daughter?”

“Hmm,” Ali says, pretending to think about it. “Probably. But she probably really appreciates the thought and effort that went into it, and even if it takes a little bit for her to thank you properly—you know, because of the child in the same room—she’ll probably make it worth your while.”

“So in the end, I’m really being a little selfish,” Ashlyn says.

“In the most selfless way possible,” Ali says, kissing Ashlyn’s hand. “I would expect nothing less.”

~

The game (which Brian is not invited to, per Carli’s rules) ends in a 4-0 victory for the USA, though Carli doesn’t score a goal, much to everyone’s chagrin. It’s Ali’s first national team game since she was a kid, but it’s Mackenzie’s first game ever, so Ali finds herself watching her daughter’s face more often than the action on the pitch. The elation in her voice and the wonder in her wide eyes after every goal fills Ali with joy and perhaps a bit of hope that she’ll be inspired to follow in her mom’s footsteps without Ali having to push her into anything.

“Mac, if you thought that was cool, wait for this summer,” Ashlyn says when they go out to dinner later and meet up with Brian. “There's a tournament with all the best teams from all over the world, and Miss Carli is going to play in it!”

“Can we go?” Mac asks, looking at Ali with wide eyes.

“It's in Canada,” Carli tells Ali as if she didn't already know. “So you're more than welcome. Just let me know so I can get you tickets.”

“I'd certainly hope you guys would come visit us,” Ashlyn says, nudging Mac, who giggles.

“Visit you?” Ali asks, confused.

“I mean when we’re in Canada,” Ashlyn says. “The tournament starts right around when school ends, so Georgia and I are traveling with the team like groupies.”

Ali frowns, but directs her attention back to her food as the girls gab about what they're going to wear to the next game (mostly face paint) and how they're going to talk the gym teacher into letting them play soccer in P.E. class.

Ashlyn places a hand on her thigh and squeezes lightly, a sign Ali knows is meant to say “let's talk about it later.”

They don't talk about it until they get on the plane home the next morning, by which point Ali realizes what bothered her about the revelation about Ashlyn’s summer plans.

“It just surprised me,” Ali says, interlacing her fingers with Ashlyn’s. It gives her something else to look at instead of Ashlyn’s face. “And my initial panic was what I would do while you're away. Then I was trying to figure out how I could visit every other weekend. Then I realized I'm doing to you what I did with Brent and Mackenzie, where I'm relying so heavily on you that I don't know what to do without you. And that's too much, especially for a new relationship.”

“This isn't new,” Ashlyn says softly. “You’re a big part of my life now, and I should have talked to you about it.”

“Maybe,” Ali says. “But this is a big thing for them, and it's cool. And maybe I will come visit, but not all the time. And maybe Mac and I can come to the final.”

“Shh,” Ashlyn hushes her. “Don't jinx it.”

“Right,” Ali says, putting a hand to her mouth. “And I know I've been putting pressure on you lately to figure things out and think ahead, but I know Carli’s schedule makes that a lot more stressful for you right now.”

Ashlyn nods. “A little, but-”

“Can we make a compromise?” Ali asks. “I'll leave it alone till the World Cup madness is over, but when you get home, we talk about it and make a plan. Does that work?”

“Yes,” Ashlyn says, squeezing Ali’s hand. “But for the record, that's still kind of a plan.”

“It's my nature, I'm sorry!”

Ashlyn smiles, kissing Ali on the forehead. “It's okay,” she says. “Any plan involving you is a plan I'm happy to be a part of.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the book in this one is a lil easier but you can still guess ;)
> 
> favorite line(s) and such?
> 
> also would love to hear predictions because this is definitely a turning point in the action!


	9. come back, be here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali has the crummy kind of Mother's Day that can only be cured with a little bit of magic.

The last thing a mom ever wants to deal with is a sick kid, but when Mackenzie gets sick on Mother’s Day, Ali feels personally attacked.

The day starts with Mackenzie coming into her room to wake her up, but instead of a tray with her best version of breakfast in bed, she's holding her stomach, and instead of it being bright and early, it's 2 a.m.

“Mama, I don't feel good,” she moans, and Ali hears in her voice exactly what's about to happen, but she's still fumbling for her glasses when Mackenzie throws up on the carpet next to her bed.

Ali has to stop herself from throwing up in reaction to the sound and the smell and keep it together long enough to get Mackenzie to the bathroom, where she rubs her sweaty back because it's all she can do for comfort as her baby girl cries over the toilet.

It's 4 a.m. when Ali is finally able to crawl back into bed after making sure Mac has plenty of Gatorade and a towel by her head in case she gets sick again and cleaning up the mess next to her bed where Mackenzie sleeps soundly.

In the morning (really just a few hours later), it's Ali bringing Mackenzie breakfast in bed: a piece of toast and orange juice, which Ali sees again shortly after Mackenzie drinks it. Luckily, this time it's in the bathroom and not Ali’s bed.

She texts Brent about whether she needs to go to urgent care, and he says not to worry, but that's never stopped Ali, who takes Mackenzie’s temperature every 20 minutes, even as she sleeps.

The only bright spot in Ali's entire day in the midst of caring for an absolutely miserable first grader is when a flower delivery arrives at her door. Her parents always send her a card each, but this isn't from them.

“Happy Mother’s Day to the most incredible woman. You can do it all! Forever in awe of you, Ashlyn,” reads the card, making Ali's eyes well up with tears. Ashlyn is with Georgia and Carli’s mom at the Mother’s Day game, which all the families flew in for on Fox Sports’ dime to surprise their favorite players. She won't be in till late tonight, and Ali doesn't even know when she'll get to see her next, but Ali’s heart aches for her now more than ever.

“Mac is so sick and today has been miserable,” she texts Ashlyn, along with a string of sad emojis. “Your flowers made me smile. I love you so much and want you home asap if not sooner.”

Ali doesn't hear back for another few hours, but she finally manages to sneak in a nap while Mac watches a princess movie in her bed, and when she wakes up, she has two missed calls and a voicemail from Ashlyn. She leaves the room to call her back and listen to the message because Mac is finally sleeping again.

“Hey baby,” Ashlyn says in the message. “Sorry it took me a while, I was in the stadium and had no service, but I hope this means you're getting some rest. I'm sorry Mac doesn't feel well, give her a hug and a fist bump from me and tell her I hope she feels better, and so does Georgia. We’re heading to the airport right now, but I don’t think we land till at least midnight. Georgia probably won't go to school tomorrow either. Give me a call when you can and hopefully I can talk to you before I take off, but if not, I'll see you tomorrow. I know we don't have plans but I'll track you down. I love you.”

Ali tries to call her back immediately, but it goes straight to voicemail, so she must already be in the air. “Hey,” she says, and as soon as she hears the exhaustion in her own voice, she tears up. “I guess I missed you. God, today has been so draining. Mac feels like shit and now so do I and I miss you and…” She trails off, no longer able to contain her crying, but she tries to take a few deep breaths to control it. “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I don't know why I'm so emotional. I'll talk to you soon. I'll see you tomorrow. I can't wait to hug you, I need it badly. Love you.”

“Mommy,” a tiny voice calls from inside the room, and Ali quickly wipes her tears, taking a deep breath to collect herself before putting on a happy face for her daughter.

~

After refusing to eat all day (Ali can't blame her really, she wouldn't want to eat either if everything just came back up), Mackenzie finally has soup and ginger ale for dinner and keeps it all down. Ali gives her a bath, which makes them both feel better, and she doesn't care how sick she’ll get when she holds Mackenzie, rubbing her back and praying that her fever breaks overnight.

Her phone lights up on her nightstand a little while after midnight, signaling a call from Ashlyn.

“Hey,” she says softly, escaping the room so she doesn't wake Mac.

“Hey,” Ashlyn says, just as softly. “Did I wake you?”

“Not at all,” Ali says. “It's good to hear your voice.”

“Yours too,” Ashlyn says. “It’d be better to see your face though.”

“I know,” Ali says. “Please say I can see you tomorrow.”

“How about right now?”

“I don't think that's—”

“Come outside,” Ashlyn says. “I don't want to come in, I know Mackenzie is sick and I don't want anything to wake her up, but I'm here for that hug you said you needed.”

Ali practically runs out of the house, only hanging up the phone when she sees Ashlyn standing in the driveway. “Hi,” Ali says, breaking down in tears as she gets closer to Ashlyn.

“Hi,” Ashlyn says, wrapping her arms around Ali and squeezing her tight. She presses her lips to the side of Ali’s head. “Hey, you're okay,” she murmurs as Ali sobs into her chest. “You're okay, baby.”

“Thank you,” Ali says, her voice muffled by Ashlyn’s shirt, which is wet with Ali’s tears. Ashlyn’s arms are strong around her, making her feel warm and safe, but she feels soft at the same time as she rubs Ali’s back and places small kisses just above her ear. “You are amazing.”

“Says the woman who just spent the one day a year she's supposed to get spoiled instead of the other way around being a rockstar mom and taking care of her sick little girl,” Ashlyn says. “I'm sorry your day didn't go according to plan.”

“Me too,” Ali says honestly. “Today sucked.”

“I know,” Ashlyn murmurs. “Tomorrow will be better. I promise.”

“It already is,” Ali says. “It's after midnight, so I'm counting it.”

“Good,” Ashlyn says, giving Ali a quick kiss before pulling away. “I went to the drugstore and got blue Gatorade because that's my favorite when I'm sick. I also got Hershey's kisses for you and gummy worms for the patient when she's feeling up for it.”

“You're too much.”

“You might be a supermom, but I happen to be a super nanny,” Ashlyn teases, handing her the plastic bag. “Go sleep now. I'm off tomorrow, so I'll come over whenever you need me.”

“Only if we can lie in bed and do nothing,” Ali says. “Fair warning, Mac might still be there.”

That’s exactly what they do the next day, Mac snuggled up in between Ali and Ashlyn as they talk quietly in between much-needed naps. Ali wakes up to see Mac’s arms wrapped around Ashlyn. She tries not to feel jealous that Mac seems more inclined to cuddle with anyone who’s not her own mother, which is considerably easier when they look so cute.

“Hi,” Ashlyn says, her voice scratchy as she opens her eyes to see Ali watching them.

“Is she warm?” Ali whispers, pointing to Mac.

Ashlyn places the back of her hand on Mac’s forehead and cheeks before shaking her head. “Cool as a cucumber,” she says with a smile.

Mac buries her face in Ashlyn’s chest, and Ali pouts dramatically. “I’m jealous of my kid right now.”

“When she goes back to her own bed, you can take your rightful place,” Ashlyn says.

“We’re going to get so sick,” Ali says, brushing Mac’s hair back as she starts to stir. “You know what I was thinking about last night?”

“How much you love me.”

“That too,” Ali laughs. “Really I was thinking about how nice it would be if you were coming home from a trip and always came straight here and didn’t have to leave.”

“What do you mean?”

“I know I said we wouldn’t talk about this kind of thing till the World Cup’s over, but when you go home, you go to an empty bed, and I’m here like fifteen minutes away in my own empty bed, and it just feels kind of silly.”

“It’s hard to U-Haul when there are kids involved,” Ashlyn laughs. “But I like the way you think.”

“I think we’ve been together long enough that it’s not U-Hauling,” Ali says. “It’s two people who love each other and want to fall asleep next to each other at night and wake up together in the morning.”

“I want to do a lot more than fall asleep with you at night,” Ashlyn says, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Shush!” Ali says, motioning to Mac.

“She doesn’t understand nuance,” Ashlyn says. “But for what it’s worth, I’ve thought about that too. I just didn’t know if you’d talked to Brent or Mackenzie or—”

“I haven’t,” Ali says. “He doesn’t have a say, and her opinion matters a lot, but at the end of the day, it’s my decision. Our decision.”

Ashlyn nods, sitting up and jostling Mackenzie a bit, waking her up fully. “I’m sorry, sweet girl,” Ashlyn whispers, but Mackenzie doesn’t seem bothered.

“Mama,” Mac says, blinking up at Ali. “My tummy doesn’t hurt.”

“That’s good, baby,” Ali says. Her smile is genuine but exhausted.

“Ashlyn made it better,” Mac says, looking at Ashlyn in awe.

“Wow, that’s impressive,” Ali laughs. “I didn’t know she had magic healing powers.”

“I’ll show you if you play your cards right,” Ashlyn teases. “And you won’t even have to get sick.”

Ashlyn doesn’t leave till after dinner, which ends up being sandwiches and salad made from ingredients she picks up at the grocery store with Mac while Ali showers at home.

“No,” Mackenzie whines when she realizes Ashlyn is leaving. “Please stay. I need you.”

“Baby, Ashlyn has to go home,” Ali says. “And you need to go to bed.”

“But what if I get sick again?”

“You won’t,” Ali says, but Mackenzie doesn’t look convinced.

“Here,” Ashlyn says. “I’m going to leave you some of my magic, okay?”

“How?” Mac asks.

Ashlyn takes off her sweatshirt, a gray Nike hoodie, and hands it to her. “I’m going to tuck you in, and you hang onto this, okay? If you feel sick, squeeze some of my magic out of it and you’ll feel better.”

“Really?”

Ashlyn shrugs. “Try it. If it doesn’t work, tell your mommy to call me and I’ll come right over.”

“Even if it’s 10 o’clock?” Mackenzie asks, naming the latest time she can think of.

“Even if it’s 10 o’clock,” Ashlyn confirms. She follows her into her room, where she tucks her in tight. “Mom? Kiss?”

Ali smiles from her spot in the doorway and comes to her bed, kissing Mackenzie’s forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Mackenzie says, before turning to Ashlyn. “Kiss?” 

Ashlyn kisses her forehead where Ali just was, and Mackenzie takes the opportunity to whisper in her ear. Ashlyn smiles and nods as she pulls away. “You bet,” she says.

“What’d she say?” Ali whispers when they leave her room.

Ashlyn smiles, pressing a kiss to Ali’s lips. “She said I have to tuck you in and give you a kiss too so you’ll feel better.”

“She’s a good girl,” Ali says.

“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” Ashlyn says.

“Yeah?” Ali asks, pressing her chest against Ashlyn’s, nipping at her earlobe. “Would a good girl take you up to her bedroom right now with the intention of wearing you out to the point that you have to sleep over?”

“A good girl would figure out a way to say she’s going to fuck my lights out while still making it sound really sweet and innocent,” Ashlyn teases. “But I’m not sure that sounds as sexy as it usually would after your sick kid spent two days in there.”

“The sheets are in the dryer,” Ali says, rolling her eyes. “But they’re going to be another twenty minutes, which in my opinion is plenty of time for a shower.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> favorite line(s)/moment(s)?
> 
> any predictions?
> 
> any desires? (keep in mind the next like.... five chapters are already written, but I do love to know what you guys are hoping for!)


	10. the water's rough, but this love is ours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali and Ashlyn deal with distance when Ashlyn leaves to take Georgia to the World Cup.

On the last day of school and the night before Ashlyn and Georgia leave for Canada to meet up with Carli and the team, Ali takes Ashlyn and the girls out for dinner for Georgia’s seventh birthday, which won’t actually happen till they’re in Canada.

The girls gab about the last day of school party and their excitement for the summer while Ashlyn plays with Ali’s fingers under the table, nodding along like she’s really paying attention. They sit at the table for almost an hour after dinner, first ordering dessert for the girls and then avoiding the inevitable end of the evening. The girls don’t seem bothered, having too much fun playing tic-tac-toe and coloring in their children’s menus.

Their lovely (and extremely patient) waitress comes by a third time to see if they want their check, and Ali finally (reluctantly) says yes, slipping her a credit card before Ashlyn gets the chance to fight her for it.

They load the girls into their respective car seats before meeting in the middle to say goodbye. Ali wraps her arms around Ashlyn’s neck, and Ashlyn squeezes her tight around her waist, taking a final chance to breathe in her perfume.

“I miss you already,” Ali says.

“I miss you too,” Ashlyn says. “But I’m going see you in two weeks, right?”

Ali nods. She’s already made plans to go to their game against Nigeria, and Ashlyn promises they’ll figure out the rest when the team gets that far. “I love you,” she murmurs.

“I love you too,” Ashlyn says, kissing Ali on her cheek first, then her lips. “Now get out of here before you make me cry.”

“Too late,” Ali says, wiping her own stray tear. She gives Ashlyn a final kiss before getting in her car, waving goodbye as Ashlyn pulls away.

“Mommy, are you sad that Ashlyn is leaving?” Mackenzie asks.

“Yeah, I am,” Ali says, the tears falling a little faster.

“Me too,” Mackenzie says. “Why don’t we go with them?”

Ali smiles. “That would be fun, wouldn’t it?” she says. “But I think Daddy would miss you too much.”

“He can come too!” Mackenzie says. Clearly she’s thought it all through.

“I hear you, honey,” Ali says. “But we’re going to have fun, aren’t we? We’ll go to the pool with Nana and go visit Uncle Kyle, and you’ll get to go see your grandma and grandpa with Daddy.”

“I know,” Mackenzie sighs. “But Ashlyn makes everything better.”

~

Every cloud has a silver lining, and even though the distance feels frustrating at times, it brings plenty of amazing moments and new traditions. Ali has never seen Mackenzie more excited about soccer, especially when their new game is to cheer every time Carli gets a touch and to scour the crowd for Ashlyn and Georgia.

They never see them, so Ali is pleasantly surprised when she gets a text from Brent after the Nigeria game with a picture of Mackenzie pointing to the TV screen at his parents’ house, which they paused when they could see Ali and Ashlyn. She sends back a selfie of herself and Ashlyn in the stands with the field behind them.

Ali is thankful not only for the time she gets alone with Ashlyn, but also for the time she gets to spend with Georgia as well. She’s still warming up to Ali ever since the confusion about Mackenzie “stealing” her nanny, but after a few days of exploring with the two of them and a few nights of movies and candy in the hotel room, Ali snuggled into Ashlyn’s right side and Georgia snuggled into the left, Georgia seems to at least tolerate her presence in Ashlyn’s life.

When Ashlyn drops her off at the airport to go home, she gives her a long hug and a soft kiss. “Thank you for coming.”

“Thank you for having me,” Ali says. “Two weeks. Then I’ll be back. With my cuter half.”

“God willing,” Ashlyn laughs.

“Plane tickets are already bought,” Ali says. “Tell Carli they don’t have a choice.”

“Two weeks,” Ashlyn says. “I think I’m going to talk to Georgia soon.”

“Yeah?” Ali asks gently. Even though they both said they wouldn’t, they’ve been talking about the future lately, maybe to make them both feel better about being apart. Ashlyn still feels weird about sleeping in the bed she used to share with Brent, and Ali knows she still has to talk to Mackenzie about it, but it’s fun to plan like it’s really happening. Ali hasn’t been convinced that Ashlyn is fully on board yet, though, and she knows it’ll take some time and a few tough conversations with the Hollinses to figure things out.

Ashlyn nods. “I was waiting for the right time, but now that she’s gotten to spend some time with you, I can tell she really likes you, and that’ll make it easier. I talked to Brian, not about you, but about looking for jobs, and he said it would stay between us till I was ready.”

“Are you? Looking for jobs, I mean.”

Ashlyn shrugs. “Here and there,” she says. “I’m not—I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket. I just want to see what’s out there.”

“Well, I’m proud of you,” Ali says. “For going after what you want. Right? You aren’t doing this for me?”

“I promise I’m not,” Ashlyn says. “If it’s going to make you happy, that’s just a bonus. Now go, you’re going to miss your flight.”

“Wouldn’t that be a good thing?” Ali whines.

“Not when your seven-year-old is relying on her mommy to come home,” Ashlyn reminds her. “Tell her I say hi. And I love you.”

“I should tell her you love me?”

Ashlyn rolls her eyes, pecking her on the lips one last time.

“I love you too.”

~

As soon as Ali lands, she calls Ashlyn to tell her she arrived safely, but it goes straight to voicemail.

“Dinner w G,” Ashlyn texts her. “All good?”

“Yep,” Ali replies. “Home sweet home and missing you already!”

She doesn't hear back till later that night, after she's picked up Mackenzie from Brent’s and taken her out for a gourmet dinner of chicken fingers and fries. As much as she hates being away from Mackenzie for longer than a weekend, she wouldn't trade their catch-up gab sessions for the world. Mackenzie's olive skin and dark brown eyes scream Brent to the world, but her personality couldn't be more Ali, and Ali would rather hang out with her than anyone else any day.

“Mom, can we FaceTime Ashlyn?” Mackenzie asks when Ali tucks her in.

“Mom?” Ali asks, raising an eyebrow. “Since when am I Mom?”

“Daddy calls Grandma and Grandpa Mom and Dad,” she says. “It feels weird to say it though.”

“Well that's Daddy,” Ali says. “And I'm not ready for you to stop calling me Mommy, got it?”

She calls Ashlyn on FaceTime, making silly faces with Mackenzie in the camera till they're both laughing when Ashlyn picks up.

“Hey!” Ali exclaims. The picture is grainy, and she can tell Ashlyn is in a dark room. “Were you sleeping?”

“No,” Ashlyn says, and Ali can hear in her voice something’s wrong just before her face comes into focus, her eyes red and puffy.

“Mac, I'll be back to tuck you in,” Ali says, standing up.

“I wanted to talk!” Mac whines as Ali scurries out of the room.

“Sweetheart, what's wrong?” Ali asks, keeping her voice low till she gets far away from where Mac could hear her.

“I feel like I just got punched in the stomach,” Ashlyn says. “Over and over.”

“What happened?” Ali asks, her heart racing. She's cried around Ashlyn plenty of times, but this is the first time she can remember seeing Ashlyn in tears.

“It didn't go well,” Ashlyn says.

“I can see that!” Ali exclaims. “What didn't go well?”

“Talking to Georgia.”

“Oh, honey,” Ali says, finally realizing as she sinks down onto the couch. “What happened?”

Ashlyn tries to take a deep breath in, practically in hysterics now.

“Okay, breathe first,” Ali says. “It's okay. Whatever is going on we can fix, but you need to breathe. Look, I'm going to count, and you're going to breathe in till I get to four. One, two, three, four.”

Ashlyn obeys, breathing in slowly.

“Good, now hold it, and I'm going to count again, but exhale this time,” she says gently. “One, two, three four.” She leads Ashlyn through the process a few more times till Ashlyn catches her breath and seems to have visibly calmed down. “Good.”

“Thank you,” Ashlyn says. “I'm sorry.”

“You're okay,” Ali breathes softly. “I'm here.”

“I wish you really were.”

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“She flipped out,” Ashlyn says. “We went to get dinner and go see a movie she's been wanting to see, and I brought you up, you know, just kinda trying to see how she felt about you.”

“And?” Ali asks, not really wanting to know the answer.

“She loves you,” Ashlyn says. “So I told her I love you too and that you're really special to me, and she asked if I was going to marry you.”

“And?”

“Alex,” Ashlyn says, laughing. “I told her that's not my plan right now, but that I really want you to be a part of her life because I love you and I love her and maybe someday I might want to live with you.”

“And she freaked.”

“Not exactly,” Ashlyn says. “She was pretty excited about it, so I thought that was a good thing. Then I mentioned her coming to have sleepovers with Mac, and that's when she freaked. She thought I had meant you would move in with us.”

“Oh geez.”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn says. “First she was just upset that I might be leaving, so I tried to explain that I won't be her nanny forever, which only made it worse.”

“What did she do?”

“She screamed and cried a lot,” Ashlyn says. “She said she hates me, and she wouldn't let me touch her even to help her out of the car. She told Brian she doesn't want to talk to me, so he came by my room and got her suitcase, but he left the stuffed monkey she's slept with every night since I won it for her out of the claw machine at the movies when she was like 4.”

“She's 7, baby,” Ali says. “I know it sucks. But she loves you. She wouldn't have reacted that way if she didn't. I'd be more worried if she took it well.”

“She's never said she hates me,” Ashlyn says. “She's gotten mad at me for stuff and told me I'm being mean, but she's never said that.”

“Mac was 5,” Ali says. “Brent and I had been separated for a few months at this point, and it was just a rough day for us both. It was picture day at school, and she wanted to wear her white polo, so I made sure to wash her whole uniform the night before, but something red got in with the whites and bled and ruined everything, so she had to wear the blue one. In all the chaos, I forgot to pack peanut butter in her lunch, so she just had plain celery, and at the end of the day I got hung up on a conference call so I was like five minutes late to pick her up. She was fuming when she got in the car. Fuming. I told her I was sorry for being late, and she told me she hated me. She told me she didn’t want me to be her mommy anymore and that she wanted to live with Brent and that Kimberly could be her new mommy. I had never even heard of Kimberly at that point.”

“I’m sorry, Al,” Ashlyn says softly.

“It’s not about that,” Ali says. “It’s about kids. Sometimes they say hurtful things without realizing they’re being hurtful. But sometimes they say hurtful things because they feel hurt by you. I stayed calm, but I cried myself to sleep that night. But I thought about it a lot, and from her perspective, I messed up her shirt because I didn’t care that she wanted to wear it. I left out the peanut butter because I wasn’t thinking about what she liked, and I was late to pick her up because I forgot about her. All this after her daddy moved away from her and I started abandoning her every other weekend.”

“But she's your daughter,” Ashlyn says. “She's supposed to hate you sometimes, but at the end of the day she’ll always love you because you're her mom.”

“If you don't think you're as important to Georgia as a mom, you're dead wrong,” Ali says. “I know she hurt you. She knows she hurt you. That's what she wanted, though. Once the shock wears off and she realizes she still loves you, she's going to be fine. She might not like that you're moving on, but it's a change she's never had to face before. She's 7, she’s never really lost someone, so even losing you a tiny bit feels like the end of the world. She might not trust you for a little bit, but you'll earn it back. Just because you aren't her nanny doesn't mean you can't be her friend, and just because you don't live with her doesn't mean you'll never see each other.”

“I'm worried about Mackenzie,” Ashlyn says. “And Georgia. I don't want this to come between them.”

“They're kids,” Ali says. “It's not all going to be sunshine all the time. Let me worry about Mackenzie, okay? You worry about Georgia. At the end of all this, they'll be like sisters.”

“This really fucking sucks,” Ashlyn says.

“I know it does, baby,” Ali says. “I'm really sorry. But I promise you, it's all going to be okay. If it isn't okay by the time you get back to DC, I'll make you my famous pineapple upside down cake, and that will make it okay.”

Pepper chooses that moment to curl up beside Ali on the couch, and Ali picks her up to show Ashlyn.

“Someone else is sad that you're sad,” Ali coos.

“Why can't you be here?” Ashlyn whines.

“Me or her?”

“You, doofus,” Ashlyn says. “Things were so much better this morning.”

“That's because my head was between your legs,” Ali teases.

“Oh right,” Ashlyn says. “Totally unrelated, but I just thought of a way to make this conversation way more fun.”

Ali laughs, rolling her eyes. “I haven't even showered since getting off the plane.”

“I mean, I can't smell you,” Ashlyn says. “First let's go tell Mackenzie good night. I need to talk to a 7-year-old who doesn't hate me to remember how that feels.”

“That's the weirdest foreplay I've ever heard of,” Ali says, and Ashlyn sticks her tongue out. “That's more like it.”

~

Ashlyn is miserable for a few more days, and Ali hates every minute of it for her. She sounds sadder and sadder the longer Georgia goes without speaking to her. Brian asks Ashlyn multiple times if she’d like to go home, but she’s adamant about staying until Georgia stops being upset.

Georgia doesn’t fold till the morning of the Colombia game, when Brian tells her that she can’t go to the game unattended (though any of the other families would be happy to look after her), so her only choice is to swallow her pride and ask Ashlyn for forgiveness.

Ashlyn is on the phone with Ali when she hears the tiny knock at the door. When she opens it to see Georgia, she tells Ali she’ll have to call her back, making sure not to draw attention to the fact that it is, in fact, Ali on the phone.

“Hey,” Ashlyn says. “What’s up?”

“My dad says I have to tell you sorry so you’ll go to the game with me.”

Ashlyn raises her eyebrows, unimpressed. They’ve been through plenty of apologies, and Georgia knows better than that.

“I’m sorry, okay?”

“For what?” Ashlyn asks gently. “Do you want to come inside?”

“No,” Georgia says. “I’m sorry for making you cry. But I’m still really mad at you.”

“Then maybe we should talk about that,” Ashlyn says, opening the door wider.

Georgia sighs, but she walks in, sitting on the bed opposite Ashlyn’s. Her monkey is propped up against the pillows, right where she left it, and she tries not to look at it.

“I’m really sorry I upset you,” Ashlyn says. “I never want to do that.”

“You said you weren’t leaving,” Georgia says. “I asked you, and you said you’d stay with me forever.”

“That’s not exactly what I said,” Ashlyn says, sitting on her own bed so she's facing Georgia. “I’m never going to be someone else’s nanny. But remember a few years ago when I was going to school and you would help me with my homework?” Georgia nods. “I was studying so that one day, when you got too big and didn’t need me anymore, I could have another job.”

“But I’m still little,” Georgia says, her bottom lip quivering. “I still need you.”

“You’ll always be little to me, Peachy,” Ashlyn says, using a nickname she gave her when she first started nannying her. It started as Georgia Peach and eventually shortened to just Peach or Peachy. “But you’re so grown up, and I’m so proud of you.”

“Do you still love me?” Georgia asks, her voice wavering.

Ashlyn wants to laugh because it’s so absurd, but she knows Georgia means it. “Of course I do,” Ashlyn says, moving to sit next to her on the bed and wrapping her arms around the little girl. “I love you so much. And I’m not going anywhere. Just because I won’t always be your nanny doesn’t mean I won’t always be your friend.”

“What if you break up with Miss Ali?”

“What?”

“Then will you come back?”

“Georgia,” Ashlyn sighs, pulling away. “I love Ali.”

“I know,” Georgia says. “But Kenzie said she broke up with her dad, and he moved out. If you break up with Ali, will you move back?”

“I’m not going to break up with her,” Ashlyn says. “She makes me very happy. If I broke up with her, I’d be very sad. And so would she. Is that what you want?”

“No,” Georgia says quietly. “But I don’t want you to leave.”

“I know,” Ashlyn says. “I’m going to be sad about it too. But I’m going to work somewhere I can help a lot of people, and I promise I’ll stay so close you won’t even know I’m gone. And we can have sleepovers and brunch dates and special you and me trips to the mall.”

“And get tattoos?” Georgia asks, eyes sparkling.

“In 11 years, yes, I will take you to get a tattoo,” Ashlyn says. “One!”

“I’m sorry I said those mean things,” Georgia says. “I don’t hate you. I love you.”

“I forgive you,” Ashlyn says. “And I love you more.”

“So can we go to the game?” Georgia asks.

“Of course,” Ashlyn says. “I better get my face paint ready.”

“I’ll go get my bags!” Georgia exclaims, jumping off the bed. “I can sleep here tonight, right?”

“Always,” Ashlyn says.

“Good,” Georgia says, grabbing her monkey. “Because I really missed him.”

~

Ashlyn sneaks out of the hotel room on the morning of July 3, careful not to make too much noise and wake Georgia. She hasn’t broached the Ali topic since smoothing things over with Georgia, though she has noticed Ashlyn’s balcony phone calls and seen the texts from Ali come in.

When she brings Ali and Mackenzie into the huge conference room where the team eats breakfast, she’s shocked to see Georgia stand up from the table where she's sitting with Carli and some of her teammates and run over straight to Ali, wrapping her arms around Ali’s waist. Ali looks shocked too, but it doesn’t last long before Georgia moves on to hug Mackenzie.

Brian takes the girls to the hotel pool while Ashlyn takes Ali upstairs to nap (yes, just nap). Hers and Mackenzie’s flight was ridiculously early in the morning, and the time change means she’ll get tired earlier, and there's no time for that.

When Ali wakes up, she rolls over to kiss Ashlyn, who's working intently on her laptop. “What's that?”

“Nothing,” Ashlyn says, closing it. “Did you sleep well?”

“I did,” Ali says, kissing Ashlyn’s shoulder. “I missed waking up next to you.”

“Me too,” Ashlyn says, kissing Ali, long and deep this time. 

Ali lifts her leg to straddle Ashlyn, but the bed creaks when she does, and they both freeze at the noise. “Maybe not the best idea,” Ali says, rethinking it.

“Hold off a few more days,” Ashlyn says. “When we get home, I’ll make it more than worth your while.”

“I believe you,” Ali giggles. They kiss softly for a little while longer till Ali pulls away, looking into Ashlyn’s eyes. “We’re going to win this thing, aren’t we?” she asks softly.

“If Carli has anything to say about it, we’re going to win the whole damn thing,” Ashlyn promises.

~

Carli does, in fact, have a lot to say about it, and they win the whole damn thing, everyone screaming in the stands (and Brian screaming from his room at the hotel). Alcohol flows like water at the after party, and even though they leave early to get the girls back for bedtime, Ali can hardly keep her hands off Ashlyn.

“Tomorrow night,” Ashlyn whispers as they ride up the service elevator with an escort to avoid the throngs of wild fans in the lobby.

“Shower when they fall asleep,” Ali whispers back.

Ashlyn responds with an eye roll and a kiss on the forehead to quiet her drunk girlfriend.

As expected, the second Ali’s head hits the pillow, she's dozing off, leaving Ashlyn to get the girls ready for bed. She crawls in beside Ali when they're finally asleep, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek just to make sure she's really asleep.

Morning arrives far too quickly and begins with Georgia tugging at Ashlyn’s shirt sleeve to wake her.

“Quiet,” Ashlyn whispers, scooting over slightly to let Georgia slip in to cuddle, a morning tradition when they're on the road. “Ali’s sleeping, and she might have a headache when she wakes up.”

“I'm fine,” Ali grumbles, but the pillow over her head begs to differ.

“Mama, can I cuddle?” Mackenzie asks, sliding out of bed to join the party.

“Come on up,” Ali says, emerging from under the pillow to lift Mackenzie onto the bed and in between her and Ashlyn.

“This will be a lot easier in your much bigger bed,” Ashlyn says softly so hopefully only Ali picks up on it.

“Is your bed comfy?” Georgia asks, looking up at Ali, who smiles.

“It is,” Ali says. “You'll have to come over for a sleepover one day.”

“Is Ashlyn going to sleep in your bed?”

“Um,” Ali starts, unsure how to proceed. Nothing is official yet, even though she and Ashlyn certainly have been acting that way, and Mackenzie certainly doesn't have any clue that Ashlyn might move in ever, let alone in the near future. “Sometimes. Yeah.”

“Okay,” Georgia says.

Ali breathes a sigh of relief, looking back at Ashlyn to share in the moment. When she looks at her, she's bathed in the light streaming through the window, her hair looking even brighter than its usual platinum, the rays dancing across her skin. Ali reaches out across the two little girls to push back a piece of Ashlyn’s hair when something catches her eye, a little black mark just behind Ashlyn’s ear.

Ashlyn watches Ali's eyes narrow and reaches for the spot self consciously before realizing what she's looking at. “It's new,” she says. “I got it a few days ago.”

“What is it?” Ali asks, straining to look.

“A G for Georgia,” Ashlyn says. “It felt right.”

Ali smiles. “I'm surprised you didn't already have one.”

Ashlyn looks down at Georgia before answering to make sure she's as asleep as she sounds. Sure enough, both girls are snoozing, heads angled toward each other.

“She always felt permanent till the other week,” Ashlyn says in a voice so soft Ali can hardly hear her. “I just wanted a way to keep her with me, you know?”

Ali nods, smiling a bit sadly. “If you aren't ready,” she starts, but Ashlyn shakes her head.

“Don't,” she says. “The only thing that's gotten me through the last several weeks is knowing that you're at the end of the tunnel. The whole future thing is scary, but knowing you'll be there for it is enough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> favorite line(s)/moment(s)?
> 
> predictions?


	11. don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlyn makes some big decisions about her future with Ali.

Mackenzie, Ali, and Ashlyn fly home the next day, but Georgia stays on the road with Carli and Brian as their lives become a whirlwind, as life with a World Cup Hero so often does. Ashlyn is silently grateful to have a few days to herself to sort through the emotional and mental roller coaster she’s been on. She unplugs for a few days aside from good morning and good night texts with Ali, thankful that she understands.

When Carli returns for her homecoming game (in which she doesn’t play, having barely slept for a week), Ashlyn doesn’t invite Ali, instead taking the opportunity to watch the game with her second family and take them out to dinner afterward.

She’s torn between wanting Georgia involved in the conversations she has with Brian and Carli and wanting her as far away from the logistics as possible. For Georgia, negotiating pay and living situations and next steps would sound absurd and completely out of place when in her mind, she’s losing her closest and longest-lasting friend.

They finally sit down to discuss all the ins and outs of her impending absence. Even Carli gets misty eyed talking about what happens next, but she and Brian are nothing but supportive when she talks about her plans for the next year.

“It doesn’t sound like an opportunity you can pass up,” Carli says when she’s finished. “And I’m glad you won’t be going far.”

“I could never,” Ashlyn says. “I want to be around and available when you guys need a babysitter or anything.”

“Ashlyn,” Brian says gently. “You’re not a babysitter, you’re part of the family. You’re always welcome to spend time with Georgia, but you shouldn’t put your life on hold if we need you. There are plenty of high school girls who are saving up for cars.”

“It’s just weird to think of a world where I don’t pick Georgia up from school and slice up an apple with peanut butter for her and talk about our days,” Ashlyn says. “Or help her with homework or kiss her boo-boos when she doesn’t wear her knee pads with her roller blades like she’s supposed to.”

“We’re not kicking you out,” Brian says. “You’re more than welcome to live here as long as you need, or we’re more than happy to help with rent if you want to get out and be more independent. No matter what, you’re always welcome here.”

“I don’t think rent will be a problem,” Ashlyn says. “Georgia knows this already, and nothing’s official because… well, there’s a lot left to work out, but I might be moving in with Ali.”

“I was wondering,” Carli says. “Good for you. Good for her.”

“I don’t want to be the dad here,” Brian says, glancing at Carli. “But is that—are you sure? You haven’t been together all that long, and things can get a lot more complicated when there are kids involved.”

“Of course,” Ashlyn says, nodding. “I think we’ll be figuring a lot of that out over the next few weeks, and I’m sure there’s stuff we won’t know we need to figure out till it happens. But I love her, and I love Mackenzie, and I really want it to work out. I know it probably sounds like I’m being naive, but—”

“No,” Carli says. “It sounds like you’re in love.”

From anyone else, this observation would sound insightful and full of meaning, but coming from Carli, it sounds like she’s stating a fact. And it matches how Ashlyn feels on the inside. She loves Ali, and being with her feels like lying in an open field on a sunny spring day with birds chirping and a light breeze delivering the sweet smell of honeysuckle straight to her nostrils. But she also loves Ali like two plus two equals four, so incredibly obvious that it must have always been this way, like she can’t remember a time before she loved her, like there will never be a time after.

~

Ali and Ashlyn finally talk about moving in little by little. Ashlyn decides it would be good to start by assessing her options for living alone to ease into it. Ali is a good sport, going apartment hunting with Ashlyn and sending her links to cute places for rent nearby, but every time she finds some fatal flaw with the place that would be solved if Ashlyn just moved into her house.

They’re at Panera while Mackenzie’s in gymnastics day camp, Ali working on work stuff while Ashlyn thumbs through brochures for apartment complexes when Ashlyn finally works up the nerve to address it head on.

“So what would it mean if I moved in with you?”

Ali peers over her laptop at Ashlyn and pushes her glasses up her nose. “Why are you asking?”

“Because maybe I want to.”

Ali slowly closes her computer, pushing it aside. That’s enough work for today, she decides. “Well,” she says gently. “You know I want you to as well. But you’ve been the hesitant one.”

“I just wanted to see what else is out there,” Ashlyn says. “I don’t want to jump into anything.”

“What changed your mind?”

“Yesterday at the park with you and Mac,” Ashlyn says. “I guess mostly the part after, when we went back to your house and Mac took a bath and when she came out and you were making dinner, I combed her hair and braided it. It just felt really nice. And I was thinking about what if it happened every night?”

“Okay,” Ali says, treading carefully. She isn’t sure what the catch is.

“So if I move in,” Ashlyn says. “How does that, like, work? With Mackenzie?”

“I guess we’d have to ask her,” Ali says. “I guess it could be a little awkward at first.”

“And Brent.”

“And Brent,” Ali agrees. “Although Kimberly is moving in with him next month when they get married. She essentially lives with him already, but she keeps herself busy when Mac is around.”

“I was thinking maybe the three of us should talk,” Ashlyn says. “Maybe the four of us. That’s going to be a lot of change for her in a really short time frame, and if you and I are a team and he and Kimberly are a team and you and Brent are supposed to be a team, maybe we should all be on the same one, at least as far as Mackenzie’s concerned.”

~

They plan a meeting of sorts for a random weeknight, Brent and Kimberly coming over for drinks and dinner. Mackenzie, who has no clue what’s going on, is beside herself with excitement that four of her favorite people are in the same place at the same time. She seizes the opportunity to show off her new gymnastics tricks like her splits and cartwheels that she’s been doing in the house even when told to keep it outside so she doesn’t hurt herself.

After dinner, where she insists on sitting between Ashlyn and Kimberly, Ali sends her downstairs with a bowl of popcorn and a new princess movie. Mac is sad to leave the party, but Ashlyn whispers something in her ear and pinky swears before she happily runs down the steps.

“What did you tell her?” Brent asks, sitting on one of the couches. It’s strange how out of place he looks in a home that used to be his.

“That I’ll take her swimming after camp tomorrow if she lets us talk for as long as the movie lasts,” Ashlyn shrugs.

“Genius,” Brent laughs. “I’ll have to use that one.”

Kimberly looks nervous, but Ashlyn smiles at her to quell her fears as she takes her spot next to Ali, placing a gentle hand on her girlfriend’s knee.

“So, I wanted to talk to you about something,” Ali says, looking at Brent. “Both of you.”

“Alright,” Brent says, mirroring Ashlyn’s hand placement but on Kimberly’s knee.

“By the time the school year starts, I want Ashlyn to live here,” Ali says. Her voice stays even, so only Ashlyn knows just how hard she’s shaking as she squeezes her knee.

Brent’s eyes open wider in mild surprise, but he doesn’t seem shocked. “Wow,” he says. “That’s… quick.”

“We’ve made our decision,” Ali says. “We’re not asking for permission. But I think it’s a conversation worth having, how we’re going to proceed. It’s probably overdue, honestly.” She gestures to Kimberly’s left hand, engagement ring sparkling. “You and I are her parents, and that’s not going to change. But there are going to be new adults living in both houses, and we need to figure out what’s appropriate and acceptable and what’s not.”

“Ashlyn is going to be a lot more involved in her day-to-day life than we are,” Brent says, and Ali can tell by the edge to his voice that he’s not happy. “So why don’t you tell us what the rules are?”

“If she’s doing something unsafe, I’m okay with anyone disciplining her,” Ali says. “But other than that, I think we should continue to make decisions about punishments together as needed. Obviously you don’t have to call me every time she needs a timeout, but if something happens at school or we have to address something bigger, I think that should be a mom and dad thing.”

“Fine with me,” Brent says. “But I still don’t think it’s fair that she’s undoubtedly going to be closer with you both.”

“Brent, we made this arrangement,” Ali says. “We agreed that it’s best for her to be in her house, the one she’s grown up in, the one that’s closer to school, with her mom. This summer has been super flexible, and you know during the week she spends most of her time at school.”

“That was because home was supposed to be stable,” Brent says. “You weren’t supposed to be parading strange people through the house—no offense, Ashlyn.”

“How is that not supposed to be taken offensively?” Ali exclaims, jumping to Ashlyn’s defense. “If you want to get lawyers involved and go through that shit all over again, be my guest, but know that it’s you who gets to feel guilty for putting your child through it.”

“I don’t want to take her from you,” Brent says. “I know one day we should reassess this, maybe when she gets to middle school or something, but not today. I get that. But maybe I could have like one night per week. No extra work, she has clothes and things at my house. I’ll pick her up and bring her to school in the morning, no pick-ups or drop-offs, just one night a week that I get to see her. Weekends are great, but you get the day to day that I never get to see.”

“Well, maybe something can be worked out for the school year,” Ali says, her voice softer. She hates the idea of giving up any more time with Mackenzie, but she can tell Brent is upset, and if she puts herself in his shoes she has to admit she would be too.

“Not maybe,” Brent says. “She comes to my house on Fridays and tells me about getting hot chocolate at Starbucks after school and how Ashlyn let her try a sip of her grown-up coffee and the books Ashlyn helped her pick out at the library, and I get that any grown-up who pays attention to her and isn’t her parent is a novelty, but you take it for granted while I see exactly what I’m missing.”

“I don’t take a single second with her for granted,” Ali says, her voice barely above a whisper, but her tone strong and steady. “I’m willing to work with you here, but only if we can all agree to work together. If there’s one purpose we can all come together on, it’s making sure Mackenzie is happy and healthy and safe.”

They reach an agreement that Brent can take Mackenzie on Thursday nights for the first month of school, giving him long weekends on his weekends and an extra day on the weeks in between, and at the end of that time, they’ll reassess if it isn’t working for some reason.

Once that’s settled, the air feels much lighter, and a weight feels like it’s been lifted off Ali’s shoulders. Ashlyn makes witty conversation with Kimberly, who seems utterly delighted by her, and by the time Mackenzie trudges up the stairs, sucking her thumb and asking for someone to tuck her into bed, they’re actually, miraculously, laughing together.

~

Ali’s birthday falls on a Tuesday after one of Mackenzie’s weekends with Brent, so Ashlyn plans to whisk her away for the weekend, somewhere nice that she’s never been before. After plenty of sleuthing and digging around, she lands on Charleston, South Carolina, a tourist attraction disguised as a cozy town with enough history for Ali to completely geek out, which she’s welcome to do—it’s her birthday, after all.

Ali is all set to leave when planned, Friday at noon, when she gets a text from Ashlyn saying she’s running a little late. She doesn’t know where they’re headed, just that it’ll be a long drive and that Ashlyn wants to beat the traffic and get out early enough to enjoy a nice dinner and sunset, so while she’s frustrated that she managed to pack all her things and be ready on time just to have Ashlyn run late, it’s not enough to dampen her excitement.

At least for the first two hours.

When Ashlyn finally arrives just after 2:30, she’s apologetic and carrying flowers, so Ali gives her the benefit of the doubt, but she still pouts as Ashlyn kisses her and promises she’ll make it up to her. Of course, leaving later than scheduled results in more traffic, a longer drive, and a late arrival. Ali figures out where they’re going after guessing for two straight hours, so by the time they arrive, the novelty has worn off, though she’s endeared by the adorable bed and breakfast Ashlyn booked.

“I know sisters go on trips together, but do they usually get a room with a king bed?” Ashlyn laughs as she carries their bags through the door. When they had checked in with the kind old lady who runs the inn, she had commented on their strong resemblance and how lovely it is to spend time with your siblings when you’re all grown up. “I mean, my hand was fully on your ass, wasn’t it?”

“She was sweet,” Ali says. “But she’s going to be in for a rude awakening at some point if the walls are as thin as they seem.”

“Are you hungry?” Ashlyn asks. “I don’t know what’s around here, but I’m sure we can find a McDonald’s or something.”

Ali crinkles her nose at the mention. “I think I’d rather just wait till tomorrow to enjoy the cuisine,” she says. “I Googled like a hundred brunch places.”

“I knew you’d come through,” Ashlyn says, stepping forward to kiss Ali on the lips. “Happy birthday, baby.”

“Thank you for this,” Ali murmurs against her lips. “But also what the hell were you doing for two and a half hours this afternoon that suddenly came up and you couldn’t get out of?”

Ashlyn pulls away, sitting on the bed. “I was kind of hoping you’d forget that part.”

“So definitely cheating on me,” Ali teases, but Ashlyn’s eyes flash dark.

“Don’t joke about that,” Ashlyn snaps.

Ali’s hands go up in defense. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I just—”

“It’s fine,” Ashlyn says. “I would never in a million years.”

“I know,” Ali says. “What’s got you all spooked?” She sits down beside Ashlyn, her hand settling on her back, rubbing in small circles.

“You know when you have something all planned out and then it doesn’t go that way?” Ashlyn says. “It’s like that.”

“What’s like that?”

“Before I tell you, you have to know that I had a whole thing planned with how I was going to tell you over dinner reservations and a nice bottle of wine, but then I was late and we got here too late, and…” She trails off, standing up to rummage through her bag. She emerges with a thick envelope, which she hands to Ali, who takes it hesitantly, looking for any signs on the outside of what it could be. “Go ahead,” she says. “Open it. It’s not your birthday present, but it is a surprise with some incredibly convenient timing.”

Ali opens the envelope slowly, sliding the papers out while looking at Ashlyn skeptically.

“Nothing’s going to bite!”

Ali rolls her eyes before looking down, furrowing her brow as she tries to figure out what it means. The first thing that catches her eye is the familiar letterhead from Mackenzie’s school. But as she reads the words, she starts to understand. “Oh my God!” She jerks her head up to meet Ashlyn’s gaze. Ashlyn’s grinning, so she can’t help but do the same, throwing her arms around her.

“Is it okay?” Ashlyn asks. “Me working at Mac’s school?”

“Are you kidding?” Ali exclaims. “This is your dream job, baby. How did this—what—when did you do this?”

Ashlyn laughs. “At the end of the school year when we were talking about, you know, my future plans, I was looking at some opportunities to be a high school counselor. And I just had a random thought about how cool it would be if I could work there and be close to Georgia, so I emailed Christen, who referred me to someone at the upper school. They said they actually had an opening and were looking to fill it over the summer, so I applied.”

“Oh my God!” Ali exclaims again. “Are you excited? Have you told Brian and Carli?”

“I told them I was in the process of interviewing,” Ashlyn says. “I only found out yesterday I actually got the job. I went in this morning for some administrative things and to pick up these papers to sign, and it just took longer than I thought it would. You’re the only person who knows it’s official.”

Ali throws her arms around Ashlyn, holding onto the papers offering her a job as the ninth grade upper school counselor for the coming school year. “I’m so proud of you,” Ali says, tearing up. “This is the best present I could have asked for. I’m just so happy you get to do something you love and stay near Georgia.”

“Me too,” Ashlyn says, rubbing Ali’s back as she clings to her.

“And just think, I can sleep in while you take Mac to school every day,” Ali teases, grinning with her tongue between her teeth.

“Who's going to make breakfast?” Ashlyn asks dramatically, even though they both know her breakfast skills are far superior to Ali's. “We’re going to starve.”

“I'll teach you how to pour the perfect milk to cereal ratio,” Ali says. “But seriously. This is such amazing news. Now we’ll have even more to celebrate this weekend. I mean, not that my birthday isn't reason enough.”

“Exactly,” Ashlyn says. “And it's a good thing we’re getting a break because we have a lot of work to do next week when we’re moving my things into your house.”

“And we have Mac’s end of camp gymnastics… recital thing,” Ali says, Ashlyn’s words taking a little while to sink in. “Wait—what? Say that again.”

“First of all, it’s called an exhibition.” Ashlyn's eyes sparkle as she tries to contain her grin.

“Ashlyn!” Ali exclaims, throwing her arms around her again. “Next week?”

“Next week,” Ashlyn says. “My goal is to be moved in by August 1, that way the big adjustment period will be out of the way by the time the girls start school.”

“You know, if you were smart, you'd have spread the surprises throughout the weekend,” Ali says, kissing Ashlyn’s cheek.

“Why would I do that when I can get it all out of the way now and leave the weekend for you to show me just how excited you are?” Ashlyn laughs.


	12. your eyes look like coming home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlyn moves in with Ali and prepares to start her new job.

If there’s one cliche Ashlyn hates more than anything in the world, it’s “fake it till you make it.” It’s bullshit, she thinks, because if you get where you’re going by faking your way there, you’ll never get better at whatever you do, and you’ll definitely never grow as a person.

Still, that doesn’t stop her from faking a cool demeanor the whole time she’s moving her stuff to Ali’s. The first few days they manage to do most of the packing, lifting, and loading while the girls are at their respective day camps, every time collapsing in what feels like a puddle of sweat on Ali’s—no, their—bedroom floor.

She gets really good at compartmentalizing, talking excitedly about decoration and window treatments with Ali while ignoring the situation entirely when soaking up her last few nights with Georgia. They both know, but neither one of them addresses it, even when Georgia suddenly gets a debilitating stomachache Tuesday night as soon as she realizes Ashlyn is going out to dinner with Ali’s family for her birthday.

Ashlyn can hardly keep up with the conversation, coloring mindlessly with Mackenzie instead of trying as her brain drifts to Georgia. She knows she's faking it, but when kids get upset enough, they can talk themselves into actually feeling sick. She decides to pick up some ginger ale and blue Gatorade on the way home just in case.

“Ashlyn,” Ali says softly, placing a hand on her thigh and shaking Ashlyn from her own head. “Tell Mom and Dad about your new job.”

Ashlyn smiles apologetically, knowing that she must have missed a whole chunk of conversation. “I'm really excited,” she says. “I'm going to be with the ninth grade, so I'll be counseling kids and then moving up with them through all four years of high school.”

“And is that like therapy?” Ken asks.

“More like guidance,” Ashlyn says. “My job is to help them succeed, so making sure they plan their courses to give them the best opportunities to get into the colleges they want. And just being an all-purpose support system for whatever they need.”

“Which you're going to be incredible at,” Ali says, smiling proudly.

“There's also the part where I deal with kids who might be having trouble in school or at home and try to help that way, which will be a little more intense.”

“You’ll be wonderful,” Deb says. “Congratulations. And I’m looking forward to seeing you more often. We’ve been begging Alex to bring you to Sunday brunch for ages.”

“I’d love to come,” Ashlyn says, squeezing Ali’s hand under the table. Sunday brunch has been a point of contention in their relationship since they got serious, but neither one of them ever feels strongly enough to turn it into a real fight.

Ali has wanted Ashlyn to join for months, but Ashlyn isn’t willing to give up her Sunday morning tradition of watching cartoons and making pancakes with Georgia. Even when she sleeps at Ali’s, she often leaves early on Sunday mornings to make sure she can do that. Now that she won't be living there, a lot of things will change, including Sunday pancakes.

Ali knows better than to ask Ashlyn to come over tonight after the dessert and good night kiss at her car, no matter how much she wants to end her birthday with her. That's what Charleston was for, she reminds herself. That's what the rest of forever is for.

“Mommy, when Ashlyn lives with us will she tuck me in too?” Mackenzie asks when she finishes the chapter of the book she's working on.

“It depends what you want,” Ali says gently.

“She made me feel better when I was sick,” Mackenzie reminds her. “But maybe sometimes it can just be me and you.”

“Of course,” Ali says. “I pinky promise, no matter how much things change, there will always be me and you. You're my best girl.”

“You're my best girl too, Mama.”

At the same time just a few miles away, Ashlyn slips into Georgia’s bed, feeling her forehead for a temperature. It feels fine to Ashlyn, but the disturbance wakes Georgia, who rolls over to curl into Ashlyn.

“I didn't mean to wake you up,” Ashlyn whispers. “I'll go.”

“No,” Georgia says, gripping Ashlyn’s shirt as tight as she can. “Stay, Mama.”

Ashlyn's heart sinks, and she feels months of pent-up emotion bubble to the surface. When Georgia was smaller, she made that mistake often. It never particularly bothered Carli, but Ashlyn worked hard to make sure Georgia understood her role in her life as well as Carli’s.

Now Georgia is half asleep and has no idea what she's saying, but Ashlyn can’t help but hear the dirty blonde three-year-old with the chubby thighs reaching up to be picked up by one of the two women she knew would never let her down.

~

She tries not to cry, she really does. She's doing pretty well, too, when she hugs Carli and Brian “goodbye for now.” They give her a going away present in the form of paying off the rest of her car, but they try their best not to make a big deal of things.

It's not worth much of anything in the end when Ashlyn takes a deep breath and crouches down to hug Georgia, whose lip is trembling. As soon as her arms wrap around the 7-year-old, they both lose it, tears falling down their cheeks. She picks Georgia up and holds her tight, not ready to let go. As much as she knows that she's going to be five minutes away and could—and probably will—see Georgia almost every day, she knows it'll never be the same.

“My heart hurts,” Georgia says, gasping for breath between sobs.

“Mine too,” Ashlyn says, kissing the top of her head. “I'll see you soon, though. And Daddy said you can call me from his phone anytime you want.”

Georgia wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. “Don't forget me,” she says, hiccuping.

“Never,” Ashlyn says. She brings Georgia’s hand to touch the G tattoo behind her ear, pressing her fingers into the skin. “You feel that?”

Georgia nods.

“What's that?”

“Your heartbeat.”

Ashlyn nods. “Yep,” she says. “That means you're connected to my heart forever. So even though it hurts right now, it won't hurt forever. We just have to be strong.”

“How?” Georgia asks, her small voice making her sound even younger.

“I'm glad you asked,” Ashlyn says, setting her down. She wipes her own eyes, forcing a smile as she reaches in her bag for a present she wrapped (with Ali's help for ultimate Pinterest levels). She hands it to Georgia and crouches again to be on her level. “Open it.”

Georgia tears the paper gingerly, looking at Ashlyn with skepticism. She knows there's no material item that could make this better, and Ashlyn is proud that she's wise enough to know that. “It's your book,” she says, looking at Ashlyn in confusion.

Ashlyn has always kept a journal, and as a creature of habit, she always buys the same one from the bookstore when she runs out of space. When Georgia learned to write, she would often take the journal when Ashlyn left it out and write notes to her in a big, messy scrawl, things like “I love you from Georgia” or “Ash is my best frend,” which she scribbled out to correct her own spelling.

“No, it's your book,” Ashlyn says. “When your heart hurts, write in it about why. And when you're really happy, write in it. And when Daddy takes the last cookie and leaves the box in the pantry and it makes you really mad, you can write about that too.”

Brian laughs as Georgia opens the journal, looking at the blank pages in awe.

“I started for you,” Ashlyn says. “I wrote a few notes to you that you can read, but the rest is for you to write. I'll keep writing my book, but this one’s for you.”

“Does Ali have a book?” Georgia asks.

“No,” Ashlyn laughs. “This is just for you and me. And make sure you write things down that happen to you so you can remember to tell me when you see me, okay?”

“Okay,” Georgia says, visibly warming to the idea. “I wish you could stay forever.”

“Me too, Peach,” Ashlyn says, giving her a final hug before forcing herself to stand back up and step away from her.

It's important to her that Georgia not have the same image in her mind that Ashlyn has from when she was little of her mom driving away when she left her dad, so they keep their goodbyes inside, and Ashlyn lets the tears fall as soon as she walks outside.

Ali had offered to come along, but Ashlyn’s glad she turned that down as she drives in silence down the familiar roads that that take her to what used to be Ali’s house but what she has to start thinking of as home.

~

Ashlyn has never lived with a significant other, let alone one with a child, and she’s surprised at how easily she and Ali slip into a routine without even discussing it. Whoever wakes up first (usually Ashlyn) makes the coffee and gets the paper, and whoever is last to finish up in the bathroom before bed (usually Ali) is responsible for turning off the lights and setting the thermostat to a reasonable temperature (they have yet to agree on what reasonable is).

The only time Ashlyn feels even a little bit weird is when Ali runs out for an errand and Ashlyn is home alone with Mackenzie. She can’t help but feel her nanny senses kick into gear, but all Mackenzie usually wants to do is color and play outside and braid Ashlyn’s hair, all things Ashlyn is perfectly fine with.

It doesn't take long for Mackenzie to adjust to Ashlyn living in her house, but that also means it doesn't take long for her perfect exterior to come crashing down, which Ashlyn realizes on the fourth day, when they get a letter from the school telling Mac that her new teacher is Ms. Morgan, a popular young teacher who all the dads in particular are huge fans of.

“Who does Georgia have?” Ali asks Ashlyn.

“I don't know, I'm waiting for Brian to text back,” Ashlyn says. When he does moments later, she cringes. “She has Mrs. Shilling.”

“She's good, isn't she?” Ali asks. “She's best friends with Tobin and Mrs. Holiday.”

“She's great, but I know she and Mac wanted to be in the same class.”

“They'll be okay,” Ali says, shrugging it off.

Mac doesn't seem to agree when she finds out ten minutes later, and it puts her in a bad mood that leads to a temper tantrum and a fifteen minute timeout that turns into thirty when Ali catches her watching TV during that time.

“She's exhausting,” Ali sighs, sitting next to Ashlyn on the couch. “Do you regret moving in?”

“Not for a second,” Ashlyn says, turning from her computer to kiss Ali quickly on the lips.

“I’m going to miss you when you start work,” Ali says. “Is it frowned upon for lower school moms to go to the upper school and flirt with the counselors?”

“Probably,” Ashlyn says. “But maybe you can come help me set up my office next week. It could use your eye to look a little homier.”

Ali smiles warmly, leaning in for another kiss. She hopes this part never gets old, just being able to spend quality time with Ashlyn throughout the day without making special plans to do so. She knows a time will come when there will be fights and bad days, but she feels more prepared for those than she did with Brent.

“I'd love to,” Ali says. “I'm glad you're here.”

Ashlyn kisses her again and squeezes her knee. “I can't imagine being anywhere else.”

~

“I can't believe you get this whole office to yourself,” Ali repeats for at least the fifth time as she wipes down the desk with a dusting cloth. “My school counselor’s office wasn't nearly this nice. This is a nicer couch than the one my therapist’s office.”

“You go to therapy?” Ashlyn asks. “How did I not know that?”

“I haven't been going consistently, but at least once a month, yeah,” Ali shrugs. “Brent and I went to couples counseling for like a year before we split up.”

“That's not exactly a glowing review,” Ashlyn laughs.

“I mean, we started because I thought it would save our relationship, but it was good for more than that,” Ali says, straightening the picture frame on Ashlyn’s desk containing a picture of Mackenzie, Ali, and Ashlyn grinning at the World Cup final. The one right beside it has a picture of Georgia on Ashlyn’s back, both of them laughing. “I think counseling is what actually gave me the courage to end it. It taught us a lot about ourselves and our compatibility and communication, and in the end we just wanted different things. But that's probably why we have a decent relationship now.”

“And now? When you go? What do you talk about?”

Ali blushes. “Ashlyn,” she chastises. “That's private.”

“It's me!”

“Exactly!” Ali laughs. “Sometimes I talk about you.”

“What?” Ashlyn exclaims. “What do you say?”

“I'm not going to tell you,” Ali says. “I talk about you, Mackenzie, my family, Brent, Kyle, everyone. She's the only totally unbiased person I have.”

“All good things?”

“Mostly,” Ali says. “But I've talked about fights and things. All the same things I talk to you about. She helps me talk through the hard stuff, like how to talk to Mac about the breakup and how to tell her about you. For what it's worth, she knows I'm madly in love with you and that you're the best thing that's happened to me since Mac, and before her.”

Ashlyn doesn't seem convinced. “I'm just trying to figure out how I didn't know this about you.”

“It's not a big deal,” Ali says. “You should try it.”

“Ali, I'm literally a counselor.”

“So? That doesn't mean you can't use someone to talk to,” Ali says. “Come with me next time.” She stands up to sit in Ashlyn’s lap, pressing her lips to Ashlyn’s forehead. “How inappropriate would it be to have sex on this couch? Because the thought of you working and being all professional kinda makes me hot.”

“Probably wouldn't make for a great first impression,” Ashlyn laughs. “But at the end of the school year if all goes according to plan, we’ll celebrate by—”

She's interrupted by a knock on the door, and Ali practically flies off her lap.

“Come in!” Ashlyn says, standing up.

A blonde woman peeks her head in, smiling. “Oh, hi!” she says. “I wasn't expecting anyone else to be around today.”

“I wanted to get my office organized before orientation and all that,” Ashlyn says. “I'm Ashlyn Harris. I'm the ninth grade counselor.”

“Of course!” the woman exclaims. “I'm Whitney. I'm the tenth grade counselor, so I was just with the ninth graders this past year. Welcome to Maret!”

“Thanks,” Ashlyn says. She catches a glimpse of Ali out of the corner of her eye and realizes she should probably acknowledge her. “Oh, I'm sorry. This is Ali. Krieger. Her daughter is going into second grade.”

“Oh, how fun!” Whitney says. “If you ever need anything, I'm in the office right next door, but I'm sure we’ll get to know each other very well. Orientation tends to be kind of hellish, but it'll give us plenty of time to hang out. And if you have any questions or anything, I know it can be intimidating, so don't hesitate to ask me.”

“Thanks so much,” Ashlyn says. “I'm really excited for the year.”

“Me too!” Whitney exclaims, smiling warmly, and Ali gets the feeling that she's one of those people who can make anyone feel comfortable. “I was just heading out, but I’ll see you tomorrow? At orientation?”

“Yeah, definitely,” Ashlyn says, waving goodbye quickly.

“She seems nice,” Ali says once she’s gone.

“Yeah.”

“Why do you do that?” Ali asks. “Introduce me as some random mom you struck up a friendship with?”

“I don’t,” Ashlyn says. “Though to be fair, that’s kind of true.”

“If you don’t want people to know I’m your girlfriend, we can work it out,” Ali says softly. “But considering you’re working here, we need to make sure Mackenzie knows too.”

“That’s not—I don’t not want people to know,” Ashlyn says.

“But you don’t want to make sure they know.”

“I don’t know,” Ashlyn says. “I didn’t know if it would be appropriate to introduce you as my girlfriend to someone I’ve never met before I even start here officially.”

“So why'd you move in?” Ali asks.

“Don't do that.”

“Do what?”

“Make this a bigger deal than it is. I moved in because I love you and Mackenzie and I want to be with you and be in her life and move forward with you. Both of you.”

“It's kind of a big deal to me,” Ali says. “You left your job that came with a home, and it's convenient that I have a home for you to live in when you start your new job.”

“That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard,” Ashlyn says.

“I know! And I'm not trying to be crazy here, I'm really not.”

“But…”

“But I want this to be serious,” Ali says. “I want to be able to come visit and bring you lunch without people whispering. And I want to put you down as Mac’s emergency contact because you'll be way closer than I will if anything ever happens. And maybe it's not everyone’s business, and maybe it makes sense to separate your work life from your personal life, but you're working at my child’s school, for crying out loud. That ship has sailed.”

“So it's cool if I set that picture of you in your bikini from the hotel in Vancouver as my screensaver?” Ashlyn teases, pinching Ali’s hip.

“Stop.”

“I know,” Ashlyn says, wrapping her arms around Ali’s waist. “There's a happy hour tonight for the faculty. I know it's last minute to find someone for Mac, but I'd love to bring you as my date. On one condition.”

“Oh, she has conditions now,” Ali murmurs, placing her hands on Ashlyn’s chest.

“It's simple,” Ashlyn says, leaning forward to whisper in Ali’s ear. When she pulls back, Ali’s face is just as pink as she had hoped. “Think you can manage that?”

“I think we can work something out.”

~

Ali can't explain the knots in her stomach as she slips a final bobby pin into her sleek ponytail, stiff with enough hairspray that she'll have to take another shower before bed to avoid her pillow getting sticky.

Mackenzie and Ashlyn are in the living room playing a make believe game Mackenzie made up that involves a lot of roaring (Ashlyn) and squealing (Mac). Liz volunteered to take Mac for the night even though Ali insisted they only needed a few hours of coverage, and Ashlyn had the grand idea to take an Uber to avoid a designated driver debate.

“Can you help with this bracelet?” Ali asks, walking into the living room. Her face flushes when Ashlyn looks up and her jaw drops in awe.

“Mommy, you look just like a princess,” Mackenzie gasps.

It’s not exactly what Ali was going for in her tight (but tastefully so) black cocktail dress, but she knows it’s Mackenzie’s way of saying she looks beautiful, and the look on Ashlyn’s face says she agrees.

“Thank you, baby,” Ali says, scooping her up when Ashlyn finishes fastening her gold bracelet, a birthday present from Ashlyn.

“The Uber’s two minutes out,” Ashlyn says. “How good am I?”

“So good,” Ali laughs, leaning in for a peck from Ashlyn. “Mommy’s putting lipstick on, so last chance for a not messy kiss,” she tells Mac, who allows her to place a smacking kiss on her cheek.

“What if I prefer a messy kiss?” Ashlyn asks.

“You’ll be getting plenty of those later tonight, I promise,” Ali laughs, letting her get in one final kiss before reaching in her pocketbook for her red lipstick.

Something about being around the two of them, who don’t seem to have an “off” button when it comes to silliness, eases Ali’s nerves and makes her forget what she’s about to do, but when they finish dropping Mac off, her stomach knots right back up.

Ashlyn seems to sense it as soon as it happens, placing a hand over Ali’s and squeezing softly. “You okay?” she asks.

Ali nods, not convincing Ashlyn at all. “It’s the first time we’re really like, going out,” she says.

“What do you mean? We go out for dinner and drinks all the time.”

“Yeah, but never like a party or social thing,” Ali says. “Other than stuff with my family or if you count when we go do things with Liz, it’s usually just us, give or take a few kids.”

“Are you nervous?”

“I mean, a little,” Ali admits.

“I’d kiss it better if you wouldn’t get lipstick all over my face,” Ashlyn teases. “Might not be a great first impression.”

“You’re all about impressions,” Ali laughs, feeling a few nerves fade away.

“Of course, and what better way to make a splash than by showing up to my first faculty event with the hottest date there?”

“You aren’t nervous at all?”

“I’m nervous about meeting a whole lot of new people and making them like me,” Ashlyn says. “I’m not nervous about what they’ll think of this.”

“That makes one of us.”

“Didn’t you go to a sorority formal with a girl? Almost ten years ago?” Ashlyn asks. “That’s way gutsier than anything I’ve ever done. This is going to be a piece of cake. Besides, you know Tobin and Christen will probably be there. And Mr. Bryant, the music teacher, and his partner.”

“And what about what they’ll think of you dating a parent from the school?”

“I’m not dating you,” Ashlyn says. “I’m with you. For the long haul. If I had kids, they’d go to the school where I work, and hopefully their other parent would be in the picture. This is no different.”

She’s right, as she so often is (as much as Ali hates to admit it), and nobody looks at them twice other than to comment on how good they look. Ashlyn’s hand doesn’t leave Ali’s lower back longer than it takes to get her a drink, and she re-introduces her to Whitney as her girlfriend, which Whitney doesn’t seem all too surprised by. Though that could have something to do with the lip gloss Ashlyn found on her cheek when they got to the car after leaving school earlier that day.

Ali eases into casual conversation with people she normally would have a surface-level professional relationship with, including Mac’s new teacher, Ms. Morgan, who her kindergarten teacher, Ms. “Call Me Kelley” O’Hara introduces her to. Kelley gushes over Mackenzie to Alex, who turns out to be her roommate. Ali tries not to read into that and the way Kelley gets touchier with her by the sip, but Ashlyn jokes later that Mac might be batting a thousand with not-straight elementary school teachers. Ali doesn’t mention the boyfriend Alex talked about when Ashlyn walked away to get another round, figuring she’d be happier with her own interpretation, but she decides doing Fireball shots is a way better meet-the-teacher event than the one the school puts on every year.

They manage to control themselves in the Uber home, mostly due to Ali sitting as far from Ashlyn as possible while texting Liz for Mac updates (“still sleeping… like she has been for three hours… get a life… or fuck your girlfriend idk… love you!”) and Ashlyn squeezing her own hands together to keep herself from touching Ali.

When they get home, though, Ali feels like it’s the first time Ashlyn has really treated the house as her home. At Ali’s house, Ashlyn always lets her girlfriend lead the way, but tonight feels different, like something shifted between the time they left the house and the time they came back (aside from the loss of a seven-year-old and the spike in blood alcohol content).

Before Ali even gets the chance to lock the door, Ashlyn’s lips are on her neck, biting and sucking at the most sensitive points, places she memorized long ago.

“I can’t believe all the places in this house I still haven’t fucked you,” Ashlyn rasps. “It’s like I don’t even live here.”

“You live here, but so does my daughter,” Ali says.

“Not sexy talk,” Ashlyn says between kisses along Ali’s collarbone. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you this because I thought I’d scare you away, but now that I’m living here you can’t really get rid of me, so…” Her words trail off as she lifts Ali, practically throwing her over her shoulder as she walks to the couch, where she sets her down. “First, did you do what I asked?” she asks, raising an eyebrow and sliding her hand under Ali’s dress, finding nothing but skin and warmth.

“I told you we could… work something out,” Ali says, gasping halfway through her sentence at Ashlyn’s finger stroking her.

“God I love you,” Ashlyn says, seizing Ali’s lips with her own. “The very first time I came over and we drank wine and sat on these couches, I swear I decided my life wouldn’t be complete till I’d fucked you right here.”

“Mighty presumptuous,” Ali says, trying to catch her breath as Ashlyn’s hands are everywhere before finally stopping to fumble with her zipper, which she pulls down with ease, freeing Ali’s body, which is covered with only a black lace bra, a special treat she bought for herself while Ashlyn was away.

Ashlyn lays Ali down so her back is against the couch and her chest is fully exposed for Ashlyn’s lips, teeth, and tongue to play with. She places one hand on Ali’s waist, holding her in place, while the other slips between Ali’s legs. “Presumptuous maybe, but look at us now,” she says. “The whole falling in love thing was just a bonus, I guess.”

“Less talking,” Ali whines, her hips lifting to quite literally force Ashlyn’s hand. “More doing.”

She doesn’t have to tell her twice (though she does make her appreciation known far more times than that).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know the drill :)


	13. never simple, never easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> School starts, and Ashlyn accompanies Ali to therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh heyyyy it's my first real lunch break all week so here's a treat

The first day of school is always complicated, though Ali tries her best to keep her emotions in check. This year, Mackenzie has decided she doesn't want Ali to walk her to her classroom on the first day, and it's all Ali can do to convince her to let her drive her and Ashlyn there when it really makes more sense for Ashlyn to drive herself and Mackenzie, like they'll do for the rest of the year.

She's thankful for Ashlyn's presence when it comes to first day of school pictures, of course, because Ali and Mac finally get a good picture together on the front steps aside from an off-center self timer snap or a selfie. 

“Do I get a kiss goodbye?” Ashlyn pouts when Ali drops her off in the faculty parking lot minutes after Mackenzie skips away in the carpool line to catch up with her friends.

Ali wants to laugh, but it comes out forced, and as soon as Ashlyn’s face falls, she crumbles.

“Baby,” Ashlyn says, climbing back into the car to wrap her arms around Ali, whose face is buried into her hands. “It's okay. Just a few hours. You're going to get so much work done.”

“I don't want to get work done, I want to be with her,” Ali cries.

“You've done this before,” Ashlyn says. “And she loves school. How many moms would kill for a kid who loves school as much as that one?”

“A lot,” Ali says.

“And in two weeks you'll start volunteering and you'll come see me and bring me sweets and that sweet ass.”

“You're awful,” Ali says, but she's laughing through the tears.

“Only because I knew I'd see that smile.” Ashlyn wipes a stray tear from Ali’s cheek and kisses the wet spot it left behind. “Eight hours. Not even. When we get home, we’ll go swimming and pretend it's still summer. Promise.”

“Okay,” Ali agrees. “Have a good first day, sweetheart. God, I'm so wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself I didn't even ask how you're feeling.”

“I feel amazing,” Ashlyn says, kissing her on the forehead. “Mostly thanks to the note you put in my lunch.”

“You aren't supposed to read that till lunch!”

“I'm sorry, my mom never did that, I didn't know the rules! I'll still read it and act surprised.”

“Good,” Ali says, squeezing Ashlyn’s hand and kissing it. “Go make new friends, but don’t forget me.”

“How could I forget you after that incredible wake-up call this morning?” Ashlyn teases.

Ali rolls her eyes as Ashlyn gets out of the car, closing the door behind her and waving goodbye. Her intention certainly hadn’t been to start the day off with a bang, so to speak, but when she woke up she realized there wouldn’t be enough time for both her and Ashlyn to shower before school, so she jumped in the shower with Ashlyn, which Ashlyn took as a first day of school gift.

When Ali gets home, she cries a little more, enveloped by the quiet of a house missing its two most energetic members (save for Pepper, who yaps away when the mail comes, but aside from that sits quietly by Ali’s side as she drinks coffee and works). Then she cleans, then she finds a picture Mackenzie drew of Ashlyn and cries some more, and then she gets to work. She stays so focused that by the time she remembers to get something to eat for lunch, it’s already time to pick up the girls.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Ashlyn asks when she gets back in the car.

“I survived,” Ali admits. “How was your day, Mackenzie?”

“Oh Mommy, I'm so sad,” she sighs dramatically. “My best friend Georgia isn't in my class and I don't think I'll make it to the third grade without her.”

“Let's focus on second grade first,” Ali laughs as she pulls away, rolling her eyes at Ashlyn mouthing ‘your daughter.’

~

Ashlyn surprises even herself with how quickly she learns the ropes of her new job. Every day is different, which she likes, and she meets new kids every day. When she set personal goals for the quarter with the upper school headmaster, she decided she wanted to meet every ninth grader and know them by name. Everyone told her it was a lofty goal, but that's why she set it. What's the point of having a goal that's easy to reach? Three weeks in, she's more than halfway through and visiting classrooms and calling in new students every day.

Whitney has become her new best friend, which Ali likes to tease her about, and they spend nearly every lunch together aside from the two days a week Ashlyn sets aside to eat lunch in the lower school cafeteria (Tuesdays with Georgia and Thursdays with Mackenzie), which is why Whitney is so surprised to walk into Ashlyn’s office on a Wednesday and see her heading out.

“Did I forget to tell you?” Ashlyn asks. “I'm meeting Ali. She has a therapy session she wants me to go to with her, then we'll probably grab a quick bite to eat, but I'll be back by 1:30.”

“Therapy?”

Ashlyn shrugs. “She says it helps.”

The truth is, seeing Ali randomly is one of the most exciting parts of Ashlyn’s day. Sure, she sees her in the morning and after school, but the other day Ashlyn was walking across campus to drop off a file at the lower school and ran into Ali, who she didn't even know was volunteering that day. It was all she could do to remain professional when her heart felt so full it could burst. 

And Ali must feel the same when Ashlyn walks through the doors to Dr. Andersen’s waiting room judging by how her face lights up.

“You made it!” Dr. Andersen says as she steps out of her office and sees Ashlyn. “Come in, ladies. Ashlyn, it's so nice to meet you.”

“I might talk about you more than I let on,” Ali says, settling in on the couch and patting the spot beside her to prod a visibly less comfortable Ashlyn.

“I'm Dr. Andersen, but everyone calls me Stacy,” the doctor says, sitting on the other couch. Ashlyn notes that she doesn't sit directly across from them, but where it feels like they're just having a casual conversation in their living room at home. “Is this your first time doing something like this?”

“Um, yeah, it is,” Ashlyn says, her fingers tapping the couch. Ali puts a hand over hers to relax her.

“Welcome,” Stacy says. “The first rule is that you can say anything to me or Ali here and it will stay here. It's all about open communication, okay? So you two are welcome to discuss anything you'd like on your own, but this is for sorting out feelings in a constructive way, not for anything to be taken home and used against each other.”

“Ali and I don't have problems,” Ashlyn says defensively. “I mean, we have our personal things I'm sure, but as a couple we’re pretty rock solid.”

Stacy nods, turning to Ali. “How do you feel about that?”

“We don't have… problems, per se,” Ali says. “But sometimes I think our personal stuff gets in the way of us having as great a relationship as we should.”

“What do you mean?” Ashlyn asks.

“The last relationship I was in before you was Brent,” Ali says. “The last relationship you were in was with the Hollinses.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“It's not a bad thing,” Ali says. “Just that you're going through a transition right now that's kind of similar to a breakup. Not a bad one, of course, but it's different.”

“Would you agree with that?” Stacy asks gently.

“Maybe, I guess,” Ashlyn says. “Of course it's different. I moved houses, I switched jobs, I'm living with my girlfriend for the first time. The first thing anyone asks is how weird it feels to be living with Ali’s daughter, but honestly, she's the most normal part about it after living with a little girl her age for four years.”

“What's been the hardest part of the transition?” Stacy asks.

Ashlyn looks at the ground while she thinks, soothed by Ali’s thumb rubbing circles into her palm. “Probably feeling like I'm leaving Georgia behind,” she says. “I love Ali so much, and Mackenzie too, but I don't want her to resent them.”

Stacy nods. “How is Georgia?”

“She's good,” Ashlyn says. “She loves her teacher and her class. She misses Mackenzie, but they see each other plenty outside of school.”

“So you're getting to spend some quality time with her?”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn says, shrugging. “It's something.”

“And how about you?” Stacy asks. “Are you worried you'll resent your choice?”

Ali's grip on Ashlyn's wrist tightens.

“What? No. No.”

“It's okay if you are,” Ali says softly, but Ashlyn can feel her heartbeat quicken.

“I'm not scared I'll resent it,” Ashlyn says. “I mean, I'm scared I'll fuck it up—sorry, screw it up.”

“No need to censor,” Stacy laughs. “I've heard it all.”

“Yeah, mostly from me,” Ali says. “What do you mean you're scared you'll fuck it up? You could never. I mean, without really trying.”

“I'm really good at caring for kids,” Ashlyn says. “I have considerably less experience caring for people my age. It scares me that there's no road map.”

“Then why don’t you make one?” Stacy suggests. “A lot of the time it can be helpful to get on the same page with what you want to accomplish over the next few months to a year, whether it’s personally, professionally, as a pair. Do you think you can come back same time next week?”

Ali looks to Ashlyn, who shrugs and nods.

“Perfect,” Stacy says. She reaches for the notepad Ashlyn hadn’t even noticed till now because she hasn’t touched it or written anything the whole time. “Now your homework. Make a road map, whatever that means to you both. That doesn’t mean trying to predict the future or control anything, but make little achievable goals, little bench marks along the way that you can check in on to see how you’re tracking. And for the love of God, talk to each other. Check in with each other from time to time about how you’re feeling, how you can help to shoulder some of the burden you both carry as individuals. I can tell how much you love each other and how committed you are to making this work, and that’s the most important thing.”

Ali’s fingers intertwine with Ashlyn’s as they walk outside into the warm early September air. “How do you feel?”

“Weird,” Ashlyn says, looking down at their hands instead of up at Ali when they stop at her car. “I came here just kind of expecting to be an observer. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with us. Now I kind of feel worse about our relationship.”

“There’s nothing wrong with us,” Ali says. “I’m really thankful you came. You don’t have to come back next week if you don’t want to, but I’d really like it if you did.”

Her eyes are wide and earnest, and Ashlyn will never have the power to say no to those, but part of her doesn’t want to say no. “I should get back to work.”

“I wanted to take you out for lunch,” Ali pouts.

“Make me dinner instead,” Ashlyn says, kissing her lips quickly as she opens Ali’s driver’s side door for her. “Mm, one more.” 

Ali caresses her cheek as she presses her lips against Ashlyn’s again. “I could do this all day.”

“Me too,” Ashlyn says. “And we can tonight after Mac goes to bed. Promise.”

She has every intention of fulfilling that promise, especially after Ali pours them glasses of wine at dinner (Mackenzie gets grape juice in a wine glass to feel like “a mommy”) and puts on her favorite mood-setting music, but as soon as Mackenzie’s lights are out, Ali has other ideas.

“Baby,” Ashlyn whines, nuzzling her face into Ali’s neck as Ali tries to resist her. Ali is sitting cross-legged on the floor of the living room, leaning over a notebook and the coffee table. “I thought we were supposed to have a nice romantic evening.”

“This is romantic,” Ali insists, tearing a piece of paper out of her notebook neatly and passing it to Ashlyn. “Let's do our homework and fall even more in love with each other and then make love all night long.”

“You have much higher hopes than I do about this homework,” Ashlyn grumbles. “Okay, what do I do?”

“We’re going to make our road map,” Ali says. “Just write down five big things you want to accomplish in the next five years. Don't worry about the order, just whatever comes to mind.”

“Things with you? Or things in general?”

Ali thinks for a second before shrugging. “Anything big that's important in your life is going to be important to me.”

“Are you timing this?”

“No, take as much time as you need,” Ali says. “But remember the sooner we’re done with this the sooner we go upstairs.”

They sit at the coffee table in silence for several minutes, sipping their wine and every so often scribbling something down on their sheets. Ashlyn can't help but feel like they're playing an extremely relaxed game of Scattergories.

Ali sets her pen down softly when she's finished so as not to rush Ashlyn, but Ashlyn is already finished.

“So what now?” Ashlyn asks.

“Now we share,” Ali says, gathering her sheet to her chest to shield it from Ashlyn’s eyes. “You first.”

“Me?” Ashlyn exclaims, and Ali rolls her eyes.

“Fine,” she says. “Get married.”

It's not something they've discussed at length in the past, just that they're both open to the idea, so Ali looks back down at her sheet to continue instead of letting her words hang in the air.

“Alex,” Ashlyn says, smiling. “Can I tell you my first one?” Ali nods. “Marry Alexandra Krieger.” She turns the paper toward Ali so she can see it, and Ali smiles. “Yours was a little less specific.”

“I like yours better,” Ali laughs, kissing Ashlyn on the cheek. “My second one is to meet your parents. I thought of that after I wrote the first one, but I'm pretty sure that should come first.”

“Probably,” Ashlyn agrees. “I'm sure we could make that happen. My second is to run a half marathon.”

“Stop it!” Ali exclaims. “My third is to run a marathon.”

“Overachiever.”

“Let's do it together,” Ali suggests. “We can go really slow.”

“I'm not slow!”

“Okay, we can go fast, whatever you like,” Ali says, rolling her eyes. “So what's your number three?”

“It's stupid,” Ashlyn says, blushing. “Whit got me into these crossword puzzles, but they're really freaking hard. So I want to be able to complete them. And beat Whitney.”

“That's not stupid, that's cute!” Ali insists. “You're cute.”

“You're tipsy.”

“I'm happy,” Ali sighs, resting her head on Ashlyn’s shoulder. “And a little tipsy.”

“What's number four?”

“Forgive Brent.”

Ashlyn pulls back to look at Ali. “For what?”

“For leaving.”

“I thought you left. Or made him leave. Whatever.”

“I did,” Ali says. “But he was supposed to fight for me, and he didn't. He wasn't supposed to hurt me or Mac like my dad did when he left.”

“Alex,” Ashlyn breathes, brushing Ali’s hair back.

“I've been working on it for a long time,” Ali says. “Forgiving him. But it isn't that easy. The biggest step I made toward it was when you and I got together, but now he’s married to Kimberly when he couldn't even talk to me about marriage for six years aside from a moment of panic when I got pregnant.” She gasps. “Oh my God, do you think she's pregnant?”

“They got engaged in December,” Ashlyn laughs. “I think we’d know by now if that were the case. What do you think it's going to take? To forgive him.”

“I think I just have to consciously try,” Ali says. “It's not enough to like, ignore my bitterness, because then I can pretend it's not there and on any given day it can sneak up on me and ruin my day.”

“Can I do anything to help?”

“Just remind me,” Ali says. “When I sound bitter or say mean things about him when Mac is around. Even if she isn't around.”

“I can do that.”

“What's your fourth thing?” Ali asks, her hand resting on Ashlyn’s leg as she leans against the couch. 

“Make a solid group of friends in DC,” Ashlyn says. “It's starting to feel like home with you and Mackenzie, and I'm starting to make friends at work, but I want a core group, like Friends or Sex and the City. And we can start going out and having people over for dinner parties and doing fun things on the weekends when Mac isn't around.”

“You just want me to dress up like I did for that happy hour and blow your mind after,” Ali teases, biting at Ashlyn’s earlobe.

“That would be a nice bonus.”

“Wanna know my last one?”

“Of course.”

“I want to go to Germany. I've still never been.”

“Can I come?” Ashlyn asks, slipping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her in to press a kiss to her temple.

“Maybe,” Ali says, her fingers tracing patterns on Ashlyn’s leg. “Might bring my other girlfriend.”

“Who is she?” Ashlyn asks in fake outrage. “Is she the one whose name you've been moaning in your sleep?”

“What?” Ali asks, squealing as Ashlyn pins her down, tickling her sides as she nips at her neck. “Stop it, Mackenzie’s in the other room!”

“You're the one making noise,” Ashlyn says. “If you'd rather we take this upstairs where you can be as loud as you want, just say the word.”

“Okay, okay, truce,” Ali says, pulling Ashlyn down for a long kiss. “Wait, first you need to tell me your number five.”

“It's not last because it's the least important,” Ashlyn says, sitting up. “I just wasn't sure if I should say it. But it might be the most important.”

“More important than marrying me?” Ali asks, feigning shock. 

“I mean, I was hoping it would go hand in hand.”

“Yeah?”

“I want to be a mom,” Ashlyn says.

“Oh.”

“I never really wanted to be pregnant, and I hadn't found anyone who I could see myself starting a family with, so I kind of just assumed I'd adopt and be a single mom, but then I met you, and the plans kind of changed.”

“How so?” Ali asks, moving her hand back into her own lap.

“Well you've done the whole pregnancy thing,” Ashlyn says. “And clearly you're pretty good at it considering how well Mac turned out.”

“That doesn't mean I want to do it again,” Ali says softly.

“And you don't have to,” Ashlyn says quickly. “Sorry, I know I'm springing this on you and we haven't talked about it. I'm okay adopting or going through a surrogate or even doing it myself if need be.”

“No, Ashlyn,” Ali says, her face and voice defeated. “I don't want more kids. I haven't for a while, even before Brent and I split up.”

“Is that a decision you made with Brent?”

“No,” Ali says, avoiding Ashlyn’s eye contact. “He wanted more. I didn’t. That was actually the biggest reason we split up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback? thoughts? FEELINGS?


	14. all we know is don't let go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali and Ashlyn face the new difficulties in their relationship.

“Rise and shine, little one,” Ashlyn sings softly, slowly moving the dimmer switch up the wall to brighten the room without shocking Mackenzie. “Time for school.”

“I think I want to stay home with Mommy today,” Mac says with a yawn.

“Why’s that?” Ashlyn asks, sitting at the foot of her bed. “Do you not feel well?” It's not like Mackenzie to not wake up excited for school.

“I think Mommy gets lonely during the day when we’re at school.”

“I think you're right,” Ashlyn agrees. “But don't worry, I'm going to have lunch with her today.”

“Can you come have lunch with me too?” Mackenzie asks, brightening.

“I had lunch with you yesterday,” Ashlyn says. “But Mommy will be at school this afternoon to help in your class.”

“I like it better when it's all of us and I'm allowed to talk,” Mac mutters, but that seems to appease her. Her chattiness, which was endearing in kindergarten and first grade, has started to get her in hot water at school. First it was a note home applauding her enthusiasm but suggesting that maybe Ali and Brent talk to her about using her inside voice and only talking at appropriate times. Then it was being moved to a desk where the only children surrounding her are a Spanish-speaking girl and a boy who is deaf, and still she talks.

“How about you talk my ear off over breakfast?” Ashlyn asks, pulling back her covers. “Let's go, and if we can get ready fast enough, maybe we'll even have time to pick up some hot chocolate on the way.

Ali doesn't come downstairs till they've finished breakfast and Mackenzie is almost ready for school, just enough time for Ashlyn to pour her a cup of coffee and give her a quick kiss before leaving and agreeing on a good time for Ali to pick her up for their appointment with Dr. Andersen.

“Is Mommy sick?” Mackenzie asks once she's content with the temperature of her Starbucks hot chocolate.

“No,” Ashlyn says, making eye contact with her by way of the rear view mirror. “Why?”

“She looks like she doesn't feel good,” Mac says. “And you said you're going with her to the doctor.”

Ashlyn curses under her breath. She should know by now that kids don't miss a thing. And she can kind of understand what Mackenzie’s talking about. Ali hasn't been sleeping well, tossing and turning through the night until she finally goes to the guest room or to the living room, presumably so she won't bother Ashlyn.

Ashlyn hasn't said anything, but she would rather Ali keep her up than sleep without her, even if she wants to talk out whatever is on her mind till two in the morning. Part of her knows Ali is waiting for their appointment today to really talk, because they haven't had a conversation about real things since their tear-filled heart-to-heart about the future exactly a week ago.

Luckily, she seems to be in a completely different mood when she picks up Ashlyn at work, blowing into her office like a warm summer breeze, cute sundress and all.

“You look awfully pretty,” Ashlyn says, getting up from her desk to greet Ali with a kiss.

“I decided to shower and make myself look presentable for you,” Ali says. 

“You always are,” Ashlyn says, rolling her eyes. “Ready to roll?”

“Yeah.” Ali slips her hand into Ashlyn’s, and while Ashlyn might not typically hold her hand, she's grateful for the contact.

Ali drives them there, and it isn't till she grabs her notebook on the way out of the car that Ashlyn realized she even brought it, and her heart sinks, remembering what was in it.

After making her initial niceties and offering them drinks, Stacy gets right to business. “Did you two do your homework?” she asks.

“We did,” Ali says. Ashlyn squeezes her knee so she’ll stop shaking it relentlessly. “We kind of hit a… speed bump.”

“How so?”

Ali looks up at Ashlyn, and she knows it's her turn. “Well, we agreed on a few key things we want to happen over the next few years. Like getting married… to each other, we hope. And running a half-marathon, which is a compromise because Ali is a little more ambitious and wanted to go straight for the full.”

Stacy smiles, but doesn't say anything.

“But one thing we weren't really able to… come to an agreement on, I guess, is having kids. More kids.”

Ali chews on her lip, avoiding eye contact with the doctor and Ashlyn.

“So, you want to have kids,” Stacy says. Of all people, she knows Ali’s situation almost as intimately as Ali and Brent do.

“I do,” Ashlyn confirms. “Ali doesn't.”

“Okay,” Stacy says. “Ali, how do you feel about that?”

“Terrified,” Ali says, tears springing to her eyes almost instantly. “I feel like I'm having deja vu with what happened with Brent, and I'm so scared it's going to happen again.”

“And Ashlyn, do you understand why she feels that way?”

“Kind of,” Ashlyn says. “But I don't like our relationship being compared with theirs. I'm not Brent. And I do love Ali, and I don't want kids without her. But I do want kids.”

“I want to gauge where we are here,” Stacy says. “What is your end goal? Because this isn’t really a topic on which you can compromise. And if both of you are only in this to change the other one’s mind, it’s not going anywhere. I want to help you sort through your feelings and all the complexities if you want me to, but only if you both have an open mind.”

“My end goal is to be with Ashlyn,” Ali says.

Ashlyn isn’t as quick to answer. “I guess… I don’t really know. I want to be with you,” she says, facing Ali. “I just don’t know if I’m willing to give this up.”

“That’s okay,” Stacy says. “That’s what this is about figuring out. What I want from both of you is to know that we’re all working toward a common goal, which is to strengthen your relationship. You both agreed that marriage is something you desire. But can you both agree to keep an open mind during this process?”

“I am if you are,” Ashlyn tells Ali. Ali responds by nodding.

“Alright,” Stacy says, picking up her notebook. “Have you talked about why you both feel the way you do about this?”

“Yes,” Ali says at the same time Ashlyn says no. “I told you last week.”

“No, you told me it was a big part of your relationship with Brent ending, not why you don’t want to have kids in the first place and what actually happened between you and Brent as a result of that.”

“Let’s start there, then,” Stacy suggests. “Ali, how did you come to that decision?”

“I thought I wanted at least two or three kids growing up,” Ali says. “My relationship with my brother was really important to me, so I wanted them to be close in age, but when I had Mackenzie, that all kind of changed. Brent and I weren’t even close to being ready for another baby till Mac was at least three, and at that point Brent was starting his residency and I would have been alone for a lot of the pregnancy, not to mention the very beginning of the baby’s life. Meanwhile, Mac was getting older and walking and talking. Keeping up with one while Brent was in school was hard enough. And I was happy with Mac, she was my person, I didn't feel like I needed or wanted another baby.”

She crosses her legs, making Ashlyn’s hand slide off, and she plays with her hands in her lap as she speaks.

“One night, Brent told me he wanted to make another baby, and I kind of laughed it off, but he was serious. Things hadn’t been perfect in a long time, and I was young and scared that he’d leave if I told him how I felt, so I took birth control in secret and he stopped wearing condoms, and he was so frustrated when I wasn't getting pregnant.” She pauses, taking a slow sip of water. “So I finally told him how I felt, and he freaked out, and that was the beginning of the end. After that, it was hard to be… intimate. Like, having sex with someone when you both know the other person wants something different out of it is really difficult. That's when he took marriage off the table.”

“What do you mean?” Ashlyn asks, almost forgetting that Stacy is there as she looks straight at Ali.

“We weren't in a hurry, and there was no ring involved, but the expectation had always been that we’d plan a wedding when he finished school. So he held that over my head, like I didn't deserve to marry him if I wouldn't have more of his babies, that he didn't want to waste the effort of marriage on someone who wouldn't give him what he wanted.”

“So you think the fact that you don't want more kids is going to change the way I feel about you?” Ashlyn asks.

“No,” Ali says. “Yes. Both, I don't know. I'm not afraid you'll stop being attracted to me or like, loving me, but that's not enough for you to marry me if I can't give you something that's so important to you.”

“I still want to marry you,” Ashlyn says. “I also want to have kids with you. I'm not expecting you to just change your mind on a dime for me, but you made that decision while you were with Brent, and I think it's at least worth considering in a different context.”

“Do you think that's fair, Ali?” Stacy asks. “Sometimes we make big decisions in our lives that feel permanent, and they become such a big part of who we are and what we believe that we don't let ourselves reevaluate.”

Ali is silent as she stares at her lap.

“Honey?” Ashlyn asks.

“Give her a second,” Stacy says softly.

“Maybe,” Ali says. “We can talk about it. And think about it. But I don't think I'm going to change my mind.”

“Is it going to be okay with you if she doesn't, Ashlyn?”

“We’ll figure it out,” Ashlyn says, taking Ali’s hand between hers. “I won't hold it against you or love you less.”

“I'm not going to give you homework this week,” Stacy says. “I think you guys did a lot of good work today. Thank you, Ali, for being so open. And thank you, Ashlyn, for being so open-minded. Do you have any fun plans this weekend?”

“Mac has two birthday parties, so that's going to take up Saturday and Sunday afternoon, but other than that, not really.”

“And how are the Thursday night sleepovers going?”

“Okay,” Ali says, looking at Ashlyn for confirmation. “It was hard the first couple weeks, but Ashlyn is good at helping. She doesn't try to just distract me.”

Ashlyn blushes.

“Is it weird that I'm talking about you with you here?” Ali asks, nudging her side. “Seriously, I love that you actually ask how I'm feeling and let me be sad just enough, then you make me laugh or do something to get my mind off it.”

“That's important,” Stacy says. “So next weekend, she's at Brent’s for three days?” Ali nods. “Have you two planned anything?”

“Um, not really,” Ashlyn says. “Probably a huge grocery store run and clean-up.”

“You can tell her we’re planning on having a lot of sex,” Ali teases, but Ashlyn turns bright red. “She’ll learn,” she tells Stacy. “We were going to have a nice weekend at home, maybe go for a hike and start training for that marathon. But I haven't been sleeping well, so I haven't been much fun to be with, and I haven't been feeling particularly sexy.”

“Do you think that's similar to the intimacy issues you had with Brent?” Stacy asks.

“No,” Ali says, shaking her head adamantly. “It's different when having sex can't possibly lead to a baby.”

Ashlyn’s chest tightens when she says that, but she does her best to remain stoic.

“Have you thought about going out of town? Or even staying at a nice hotel in town?” Stacy says. “When you're out of whack at home, a change of scenery can be exactly what you need.”

“That might be fun,” Ali says, looking at Ashlyn for approval.

“What about, like, Florida?” Ashlyn asks.

“To meet your family?” Ali asks, heartbeat quickening. Ashlyn nods.

“Does that sound stressful to you?” Stacy asks Ali.

“No, actually,” Ali says. “That's something else we discussed while doing our homework last week. I think it'll be a relief to meet them.”

“Even if it disrupts our plan to have lots of sex?” Ashlyn jokes, but Ali nods seriously.

“Yes,” she says. “I'd love to do that.”

“My recommendation is to stay in a hotel nearby,” Stacy says. “Then you get your alone time to decompress and to be intimate, but you also get to spend time with Ashlyn’s family. I think that's a great idea for a long weekend.”

“Can you get off work?” Ali asks, and Ashlyn nods quickly. She's not completely sure it's true, but she’d be willing to call in sick to finally introduce Ali to her family and to see them herself for the first time in months.

When they get in the car, Ali gives her a real kiss for the first time in a week.

“I'm sorry,” she whispers. “I know I haven't been fair to you.”

“Sweetheart, we’re fine,” Ashlyn says, stroking Ali’s jaw with her thumb.

“I have to confess something,” Ali says softly. “When we… last weekend, I couldn't…”

“You faked your orgasm,” Ashlyn laughs. “I know.”

“You know?” Ali exclaims. “Why didn't you say anything?”

“Your mind was elsewhere,” Ashlyn shrugs. “That's why I haven't asked since. I figured you'd let me know when you were ready.”

Ali cringes. “I'm sorry,” she says. “For the record, it's the first time I've ever done that with you.”

“I know,” Ashlyn says again. “Because you're really fucking bad at it. It's like you have no idea what really happens when you come.”

“I don't really! I feel like I usually just black out, like my mind goes blank and I'm not really there.”

“Duh, because you're really in heaven,” Ashlyn teases, pecking her on the lips quickly. “Are you really okay with going to Florida next weekend?”

“Of course,” Ali says, starting the car. “I want to meet your family. Spending the weekend with you at a fancy hotel is just a bonus.”

“No pressure then.”

“None at all.”

~

Despite the fact that there isn't supposed to be any pressure, Ashlyn can't help but feel it as she's planning the weekend. As soon as she gets time off from work, she books two first-class round-trip plane tickets to Orlando, two nights in Satellite Beach’s finest hotel (a Doubletree that is technically located in Melbourne), one night in a Disney resort, and two tickets to the Magic Kingdom, which she decides will be a surprise for Saturday.

Ali talks excitedly about the weekend and meeting Ashlyn’s family, but when Thursday morning rolls around and it's time to say goodbye to Mackenzie when they drop her off at school on the way to the airport, it's just as hard as ever.

Mac is sad enough that she doesn't get to go on the plane with them, so Ashlyn knows they'll have to keep the Disney trip pretty quiet, but she doesn't realize how much she too will miss Mac till she hugs her goodbye and Mac asks if she can meet her mommy and daddy next time. Ashlyn pinky promises her agreement.

Renting a car on a Thursday morning is considerably easier than renting a car on the weekend, they discover when they touch down, and within an hour, they're at Ashlyn’s favorite restaurant in town waiting for her brother and mom to arrive, Ali’s leg bouncing like crazy in the booth next to Ashlyn.

“Breathe,” Ashlyn whispers, kissing her temple. “They aren't scary, I promise.”

Still, when they arrive, Ali feels like her heart will beat out of her chest as she watches Ashlyn greet them with hugs. She can see the features Ashlyn gets from her mom and even more that she shares with her brother, like the smile she uses when she isn't sure she wants to show all her cards.

“Mom, this is Ali Krieger,” Ashlyn says, placing a comforting hand on the small of her back. “Ali, my mom, Tammye.”

Ali reaches out to shake the woman’s hand, but she draws her into a hug instead. 

“You're even more beautiful in person,” Tammye gushes. “I've heard so much about you.”

Ali smiles into the hug. She's heard a lot about Tammye too, not all positive, but she knows how much Ashlyn loves and respects her most of all. “It's so wonderful to finally meet you,” she says before repeating the hug with Chris, who even hugs like Ashlyn, strong and soft.

“I heard you two are going to Disney, have you been?” Tammye asks as soon as they sit down.

“Mom!” Ashlyn exclaims as Ali whirls around to face her. “Seriously?”

“We’re going to Disney?” Ali gasps. “Stop.”

“It was supposed to be a surprise,” Ashlyn groans, rolling her eyes.

“I'm definitely surprised,” Ali assures her. “Mac’s going to kill us, but I'm so excited! I haven't been since, God, it's been forever.”

“Your daughter?” Chris asks. “Ashlyn has showed me so many pictures. She's beautiful.”

“She's even smarter than she is beautiful,” Ashlyn says, making Ali beam. “Just like her mom.”

“Okay, now you're laying it on thick,” Ali laughs. “Thank you, she's the best. And she adores Ashlyn.”

“Shocking,” Tammye says sarcastically. “Georgia thought she walked on water.”

“She still does,” Ali says, knowing it can still sting for Ashlyn to think about Georgia in the past tense. “We’re lucky, the girls are close friends, so Georgia’s at the house a lot.”

“We can’t wait to meet Mackenzie,” Tammye says. “Since neither of my kids seem particularly inclined to give me grandchildren, I take what I can get.”

Ashlyn feels Ali tense, and she squeezes her hand under the table as Ali laughs politely. Of course she hasn’t talked to her mom about any of that, mainly because it’s nobody else’s business, but also because she would think if they’re talking about kids, they must be talking about marriage, which could lead to any number of conversations Ashlyn is nowhere near ready for.

~

After Ashlyn and Ali go to the hotel to put their belongings away and take a nap, Ali gets ready for the most daunting part of her weekend: meeting Ashlyn’s grandma.

“They’re going to love you,” Ashlyn says, kissing Ali’s neck as Ali finishes applying her makeup. “And you look beautiful. You know we’re just going to my dad’s house, right?”

“Yeah, but I want to make a good impression,” Ali says, turning around to kiss Ashlyn on the lips. “And I want to wear something that makes you remember how bad you want to take me back here and fuck me.”

“Aw, babe,” Ashlyn coos, hands settling on Ali’s hips. “You don’t have to wear anything at all for me to want that.”

~

It doesn’t take long for Ali’s nerves to fade away when she meets Ashlyn’s dad and grandma, two of the most disarming people she’s ever met. After a tour of the house (where Ali barely convinces Ashlyn it’s way too cliche to have a quickie in her childhood room) and a dinner of Grandma’s world-famous mac and cheese and a dessert of her lesser-known (but every bit as amazing) banana pudding, Ali sits with her on the couch in the very same spot Ashlyn did as a little girl, flipping through pictures on her phone of Mackenzie.

“Oh, would you look at her,” Grandma says, enamored as she looks on. “You must be so proud.”

“I am,” Ali says with a grin. “She loves to cook, well, mostly bake, but Ashlyn’s been teaching her how to make breakfast when they get up together in the mornings, and she can make a pretty mean omelet.”

“I have to help flip it, though,” Ashlyn clarifies. “She tried once and somehow ended up with runny egg in her hair.”

“Fifteen minutes before they had to leave for school,” Ali laughs. “Poor Ashlyn had no idea what to do.”

“I did so!” Ashlyn says. “I got her to go take a shower.”

“Then came and woke me up and told me I needed to take her to school because you were going to be late.”

“Guilty,” Ashlyn says. “It’s not my fault she takes just as long as her mom to get ready in the mornings.”

“You be quiet,” Ali retorts. “You’re the reason I can’t take showers in the morning after you use up all the hot water.”

“When she was a little girl, she’d take baths,” Grandma says. “She’d sit in there for hours until the water was cold and her fingers and toes were all pruny. We tried taking her bath toys away, but she found ways to entertain herself. She was made for the water.”

“That’s why we can’t believe she’s lasted so long in DC,” Mike adds.

“You know Carli has a pool,” Ashlyn says, rolling her eyes. “I miss the water, though. I’m going to take Ali out to the beach in the morning to watch the sunrise and maybe rent some boards.”

“This is the first I’m hearing about this,” Ali laughs. “Mac’s a fish, too. Ashlyn showed her pictures of her surfing and now she’s begging to learn.”

“And Ali’s a lame mom and making her wait till she’s 10.”

“She’s doing enough dangerous things already,” Ali explains. “She decided she wants to do gymnastics, and naturally her favorite event is a mother’s worst nightmare: the balance beam.”

“She’s pretty good at it, though!” Ashlyn exclaims. “Ali literally won’t watch, so she doesn’t know.”

“She’s going to break her neck one day,” Ali protests.

“If you believed that, you wouldn’t let her do it at all,” Ashlyn says, getting up to sit on the couch beside her. “You know, you’re sitting in the exact spot I sat when I read Charlotte’s Web with Grandma for the first time.”

“How cute!” Ali says. “Mac just read that this summer, and she says it’s her favorite, but I think it’s because Ashlyn said it was hers.”

“I might have cried when we got to the end,” Ashlyn says. “No shame.”

“It was very sweet,” Ali says, placing a hand on Ashlyn’s knee. “I’ve been a mom for almost eight years, and she’s still better at this whole thing than I am.”

“Ali has no idea what an amazing mom she is,” Ashlyn disagrees.

“I can tell you are,” Grandma tells Ali just as Ali’s phone lights up with a picture of Brent and Mac, indicating their nightly bedtime FaceTime call.

“Is it already nine?” Ali exclaims. “I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

“Tell her I say hi,” Ashlyn calls after her as Ali escapes to the back porch to answer.

“You’ve got an impressive young lady there,” Mike tells Ashlyn, nodding his approval. “And the kid thing doesn’t bother you?”

“Mackenzie?” Ashlyn asks. “God, no. I adore that little girl. And Ali being a mom is one of the most incredible things about her.”

“If you’re going to marry her, I better be around to see it,” Grandma says.

“I promise,” Ashlyn says, linking their pinkies. “It means a lot to me that you like her.”

“It means a lot to me that she loves you.”

~

By the time they get back to the hotel, both Ali and Ashlyn are too tired to do much more than snuggle into each other and kiss till they fall asleep. Ashlyn wakes Ali up the next morning to drive to her old stomping grounds and walk on the beach at sunrise, holding hands as they walk down the strip of sand Ashlyn used to call her own.

“I love your family,” Ali says as they drive toward Ashlyn’s mom’s house for a boat ride. “Just after everything I heard, I wasn’t expecting them to be so…”

“Together?” Ashlyn laughs. “They learned from their mistakes. I certainly learned from their mistakes.”

“You did,” Ali says, the back of her hand brushing Ashlyn’s cheek. “You’re so loving and kind, so much more than I deserve.”

“You deserve the world,” Ashlyn says without missing a beat, not caring how cheesy it may sound. “You and Mackenzie both.”

“She does,” Ali agrees. “Thanks for loving us.”

“Thanks for letting me.”

~

It takes less than ten minutes on Disney property for Ali to turn into a giddy child, and Ashlyn doesn’t think she’s ever seen anything cuter. She probably spends her entire first paycheck buying Ali frozen bananas and Minnie Mouse ears and stupid keychains that she’ll never use, not to mention the countless souvenirs they have to pick up for Mackenzie.

By the end of the day, they’re loaded down with way more bags than they came with and way more red on their skin (Ashlyn mostly, Ali manages to get a pretty nice tan, if a little tender in some spots). Ashlyn can’t quite figure out how the hell they’re going to manage getting it all on the plane when they head home, but she wouldn’t trade the weekend for anything, even as Ali massages aloe into her bare shoulders.

She’s being as gentle as she possibly can, but Ashlyn whimpers like a wounded animal any time she feels the tiniest bit of pain.

“You big baby,” Ali chastises as she straddles Ashlyn’s back, working the cool lotion over her burnt skin.

“This isn’t what I meant when I said I wanted you on top of me tonight,” Ashlyn whines.

“You yelp every time I touch you, and you’re burnt all over,” Ali laughs. “If you don’t let me do this, I promise you won’t want me touching you anywhere. And I assume the handcuffs are going to waste.”

That gets Ashlyn’s attention, and she whips her head around. “I mean, I could still use them on you.”

“The sun must have really gotten to you,” Ali teases. “There are no handcuffs. I’m screwing with you.”

“That was mean.”

“Hey, at least I know you’re open to it now,” Ali giggles. 

“I'm open to anything when it comes to you.”

“Same,” Ali murmurs, kissing the back of Ashlyn’s neck and down her spine tenderly.

“Except having a baby,” Ashlyn mumbles. Ali freezes, and Ashlyn knows immediately it was the wrong thing to say. “I didn't mean that.”

“Why'd you say it, then?”

“Because I'm stupid,” Ashlyn says, turning over so she can sit up, holding a pillow in front of her bare chest.

“If I'm going to do my part and reconsider something as huge as this, you need to do your part and not pressure me,” Ali says. “I need you to be patient and realize that it's nothing you can understand.”

“You're right, I can't,” Ashlyn says, voice raising. “Because you're the one who gets to be a mom, while I will never get to relate.”

“You have—”

“Had,” Ashlyn interrupts. “I had Georgia. That's the difference. Mac will never be past tense for you. When Georgia cried as a baby, she cried for her mom, not for me. When she got older, I was her friend or her big sister, not her mom. I never wanted to be her mom, don't get me wrong, but I want to be a mom. One day. To someone. So yeah, it pisses me off that you get that and I don't and you won't put yourself in my shoes.”

“It's not that easy,” Ali says, letting out a heavy sigh. She looks up at Ashlyn, and her heart breaks seeing how upset she is. She takes Ashlyn's hand and strokes the back of it gently with her thumb as she tries to redeem their evening. “But I also don't want to fight over this constantly. It's emotionally exhausting to be on this roller coaster. We just had an amazing day today, an amazing weekend together, and all I wanted to do was have sex with my amazing girlfriend in this amazing hotel room.”

“I shouldn't have said anything.” Ashlyn deflates.

“You shouldn't censor yourself either,” Ali says, conceding if only slightly. She settles into Ashlyn’s lap, wrapping her arms around her neck. “We’ll bring it to Stacy. We have plenty of time to figure this out, but let's not bring it home with us. At home I want to just be us. I want to focus on what works. Like loving each other.” She kisses Ashlyn’s forehead, her lips lingering for a few moments too long. “And having sex with each other.”

“I love you a ridiculous amount,” Ashlyn says, tilting her head back to kiss Ali. “You know that?”

“I had my suspicions.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls love me!


	15. like we're made of starlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mackenzie has an announcement, and Ali and Ashlyn get an exclusive invitation.

When Ashlyn thinks about having kids, one of the last things she considers is their sexuality, but for some reason it's at the forefront of everyone else’s mind.

“What if you have a little girl who needs boy advice?” her mom had asked years ago when Ashlyn became an au pair. Ashlyn explained that boy advice is pretty much just relationship advice with a little extra safe sex built into The Talk.

“If your kids are raised with two moms, are they going to think that's the norm and that being gay is the default?” That was the question that came from a distant relative, to which Ashlyn walked away before giving her real answer, which was essentially “so what if they do? Fuck you.”

It hasn't occurred to her in a while, which is why she's so taken aback when it comes up so casually in a conversation with Mackenzie one day after school.

Because Ashlyn works at the school and is listed as an emergency contact for Mackenzie, most days Mac (and sometimes Georgia) make their way down to her office when school ends to wait for her to finish work and go home. Usually Ashlyn has meetings or work that requires at least another hour in her office, so Mac sits quietly and reads or does her homework while she waits.

“I think I'm going to make a picture for my girlfriend,” Mackenzie says.

Ashlyn nods. “Good idea,” she says, distracted by a file she's writing notes in. When her words fully register, she jerks her head up. “Wait, for who?”

“My girlfriend,” Mac repeats.

Ashlyn fumbles for her phone to text Ali because she's in uncharted territory. They never mention boyfriends or girlfriends or crushes or flirting like a lot of parents do with their kids at way too young an age, so how Mackenzie got it in her head that she could have one is beyond her.

“What do you mean?” Ashlyn asks, the file forgotten as she coaxes Mac to open up.

Mac sighs with exasperation because Ashlyn is distracting her from her coloring. “Julia in my class asked me why I have two mommies,” she says. “I told her I don't, I have a mommy and daddy and you're Mommy’s girlfriend.”

“What did she say to that?”

“She asked me if I wanted to be her girlfriend,” Mac shrugs. “So I said yeah.”

“Why?”

“Because she's nice and she always shares her snacks,” Mac says.

Ashlyn bites back a laugh. That's as good a reason as she's ever heard. Still, she isn't completely sure how to proceed. “Have you told Mommy about your girlfriend?”

“No, it just happened today,” Mac says like it’s obvious.

Ashlyn nods, tapping at her phone to text Ali. “Heads up,” she writes. “Mac says she has a ‘girlfriend.’ This should make for a fun convo.”

Ali replies with the emoji of a monkey covering its eyes with its hands and a thumbs up.

When they get home, Mackenzie goes directly to the bar in the kitchen where she always has her afternoon snack and does her homework, and Ashlyn goes directly upstairs, instructing Ali with a nod to follow.

“Okay, fill me in,” Ali says, and Ashlyn repeats what Mackenzie told her. “I know I should probably be freaked out, but that's insanely cute.”

“Isn't it?” Ashlyn laughs. “I didn't think it was my place to like, say anything, but it's probably worth a conversation.”

“Why wouldn't it be your place?” Ali asks. “You're as involved in her life as anyone.”

“I just—we haven't discussed that yet, what you and Brent want to tell her. I mean she's 7, why would we have?”

“Brent and I want to tell her we love her and we’ll love anyone who loves her and treats her well. And I mean, you can't beat someone who shares snacks.”

“So you're not freaked out?”

“Of course I am!” Ali exclaims. “I don't want my 7-year-old focusing on girlfriends and boyfriends. But I do want her to know it’s okay to have both or neither or just one or the other.”

“Are you going to say anything?”

“I think I'll just wait till it comes up,” Ali says, not completely sure of the words as she says them. “I mean, she has to tell me eventually, right?”

“Eventually” turns out to be over dinner, when they’re all talking about their days. Mackenzie sings them the song they learned in music class about the states and capitals and tells them about the game she played at recess before the conversation turns to her “girlfriend.”

She repeats the same story she told Ashlyn, and Ali nods along like she’s never heard it before.

“So what does that mean to you?” Ali asks. “When you say girlfriend?”

Mackenzie thinks for a second before shrugging. “Ashlyn is your girlfriend, and you love each other and play together. And Julia’s nice and I like playing with her.”

“Yeah,” Ali says. “That’s good. Ashlyn is my friend and my girlfriend.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Well,” Ali starts. “Um, you know Liz is my friend.”

“Is she your girlfriend too?”

“No,” Ali laughs. “I only have one girlfriend. That’s Ashlyn. Remember when we talked about how Kimberly was Daddy’s girlfriend and now she’s going to be his wife? That’s the difference.”

“I don’t get it,” Mackenzie says, looking at Ashlyn.

Ali sighs. “Help please.”

“Your mommy and I are like… Batman and Robin,” Ashlyn says, trying to put it into terms Mac will understand. “Batman has a lot of friends who he likes to spend time with and play with, but he only has one Robin.”

“I thought I could have a lot of girlfriends,” Mackenzie says. “I don’t want just one.”

“That’s okay,” Ali says. “That’s why you can have a lot of friends instead. Boys and girls! I didn’t have a girlfriend till I was much older than you. And I didn’t have a boyfriend till your Daddy.”

“Daddy was your boyfriend?” Mackenzie asks, crinkling her nose. “Gross.”

“Why is that gross?” Ashlyn laughs.

“I like it better when you kiss her,” Mackenzie says, and Ashlyn blushes.

“Why?” Ali asks, laughing as she sips her wine.

“Because I like when you smile and laugh,” Mackenzie says. “And I’m happy Ashlyn lives here now.”

“I’m happy too,” Ali says, squeezing Ashlyn’s hand over the table.

“Do I have to break up with my girlfriend?” Mackenzie sighs.

“Don’t worry, I’ve done this plenty of times,” Ashlyn says, winking at Ali. “Just tell her you aren’t ready for a girlfriend, but you really want to be her friend. It works every time.”

“Wouldn’t work on me,” Ali grumbles.

“I’d never dare try,” Ashlyn assures her, leaning across the table to kiss her on the cheek.

~

When it’s time for bed, Mackenzie specifically requests a tuck-in by Ashlyn because she’s beginning a book Ashlyn helped her pick out at the library. She reads the first chapter out loud to Ashlyn, and Ashlyn helps her when she stumbles over a few unfamiliar words like “impertinent” and “tranquility.” She begs for a second chapter, which Ashlyn is happy to oblige as long as she doesn’t tell Ali, who has a way of finding these things out anyway.

“I love reading with you,” Mackenzie sighs as Ashlyn slides a bookmark into the book and sets it on her night stand.

“Me too,” Ashlyn agrees. “What did you like so far?”

“I liked that they gave the poor family their breakfast even though they didn’t have enough money to buy Christmas presents. And I liked when their mother opened the presents they bought her,” Mac says. “I think I should get Mommy something for Christmas this year.”

“Oh yeah?” Ashlyn asks. “What would you get her?”

“Coffee,” Mackenzie giggles. “Or shoes. That’s what she loves.”

“I think she’d love it if you made her something,” Ashlyn suggests. “When Christmas gets a little closer, we can work on something together for her. I’m just getting past her birthday, so I’ll need ideas too.”

“Last Christmas, my daddy gave Kimberly a really good present.”

“What was that?” 

“A pretty ring,” she says.

“Did your mom put you up to this?” Ashlyn teases. “Maybe that won’t be this year’s Christmas present, but I promise one day I’ll put the prettiest ring you’ve ever seen on her finger.”

Mac smiles, satisfied, and Ashlyn leans over to kiss her on the forehead. “Good night, princess,” she says.

“Night night,” Mac says, settling under her covers. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Ashlyn says, switching off her lights and opening the door. She has to keep from screaming in shock when she sees Ali, who doesn’t seem to expect her coming. “Were you eavesdropping?” she whispers, closing Mac’s door behind her.

“Of course I was,” Ali whispers back. “You’re the one who let her get away with reading another chapter. Rookie mistake.”

“I liked it,” Ashlyn says, sticking out her tongue as they escape down the hall where they can talk in normal voices. “You better stop snooping before you accidentally find out your Christmas present.”

“I did hear about a pretty ring, care to elaborate?” Ali teases, standing on her tiptoes to kiss Ashlyn on the lips.

“Not particularly,” Ashlyn says.

“That present talk got me thinking about your birthday, though,” Ali says. “It’s a Monday, and Mac’s here the weekend before, do you want to celebrate all together? Or I can get someone to take Mac for a night.”

“I’m more interested in celebrating the weekend after,” Ashlyn murmurs, her hands running up and down Ali’s waist.

“We can wait if you want I guess,” Ali says, confused. “I just figured we could do something fun.”

“No, I know,” Ashlyn laughs. “Maybe dinner and cake and a movie with you and Mac would be fun. For my birthday, anyway. The weekend after is what I’m more interested in celebrating.”

“What’s that weekend?” Ali asks slowly, racking her brain for anything important she’s missing.

“Our anniversary, goofball,” Ashlyn says, rolling her eyes.

“What? Do we even have an anniversary? I thought it was more like mid-November.”

“You’re the worst girlfriend ever,” Ashlyn groans. “I count our anniversary as our first date, the one we had at Topgolf.”

“That was so not our first date, that was me embarrassing you in golf and making you feel better by sleeping with you.”

“Liar,” Ashlyn says. “You wanted me so bad.”

“And you didn’t want me back?”

“Of course I did, that was my birthday wish the weekend before,” Ashlyn says, quirking an eyebrow.

“Bullshit.”

“You could try to call me on it, but I didn’t tell anyone my wish because then it wouldn’t come true. And then it did come true, so I can tell you.”

“You’re so full of shit.”

“Even if I am, it would make a pretty cute story, huh?” Ashlyn teases. “Too bad you’ll never know.”

~

Ashlyn’s ideal celebration is the same for her birthday and the anniversary she convinces Ali they need to celebrate: a quiet night at home with some wine, candles, and lingerie (on Ali, not herself). That’s essentially how they celebrate her birthday once Mac crashes from her sugar high and Ashlyn carries her back to her bed, and that’s how they plan to celebrate their anniversary until Mac’s teacher gets involved.

It starts with a knock on Ashlyn’s office door after school on Monday, her actual birthday. She isn’t expecting Mackenzie (who never bothers to knock anyway) because Ali picked her up early for a dentist appointment, but she’s doubly surprised to see her teacher, Miss Morgan (Alex, she reminds herself).

“Hey,” Ashlyn says. “Everything okay with Mac?”

“She’s fine,” Alex says, looking around. “This is nice, I’ve never been in one of these offices.”

Ashlyn laughs uneasily, not sure what about the brunette makes her so nervous. “Um, yeah, I like it,” she says.

“Were you just not going to tell anyone it’s your birthday?” Alex asks, cutting to the chase.

“How—”

“Kenzie was talking about it when we talked about our weekends, and she said you celebrated this weekend but your birthday is today. If it weren’t a Monday and everyone weren’t still getting set for the week, I’d say we should do happy hour, but you’re in luck anyway. Kelley and I are having a party this weekend. Bring Ali.”

“Um, I think we—”

“I’m going to tell her when she comes in to volunteer this week anyway, so you might as well just agree now,” Alex says. “We’ve been in school for like two months now and you still haven’t joined our crew.”

“Your crew?”

“Duh, the hot young faculty members,” Alex says, rolling her eyes. “All the social events that go on around here are like book clubs and brunches. I love waffles and mimosas as much as the next person, but we need to have some fun sometimes.”

“I’ll check with Ali,” Ashlyn concedes.

“No, you have to say you’ll come or Kelley will come here herself,” Alex explains.

Alex is persuasive in her own little way, probably mostly a result of a voice that's probably better suited to a phone sex hotline than a second-grade classroom, which is how Ali and Ashlyn find themselves in the back of an Uber on what Ashlyn insists is “basically our anniversary.”

Ali is wearing jeans so tight Ashlyn whined as they were leaving the house about trying to get them off later, but she can't help but love the way they accentuate her hips and thighs, two of Ashlyn's favorite parts to grab and bite in the bedroom (and living room and basement and backseat of the car once or twice). It's made even worse with the strappy heels she's wearing. She completes the outfit with a crop top Ashlyn didn't even know she owned that shows a sliver of her midriff most of the time, but more if she moves the right way (and Ashlyn plans on ensuring she moves the right way most of the evening).

“Is it going to be weird to get plastered with my daughter’s teacher?” Ali asks, touching up her lipstick. Ever the perfect guest, she has a bottle of Jameson in her lap to contribute to the party (and also maybe because she doesn't quite trust a bunch of young adults living on teaching salaries—private school, but still—to have the right brand of whiskey).

“Teachers,” Ashlyn corrects. “It'll be weirder when you give me a lap dance in front of them, but that's not going to stop us.”

“I like your optimism.” Ali puckers her lips for a barely there kiss, but Ashlyn still gets a tiny bit of lipstick on her mouth, which Ali dutifully wipes away before they get out of the car. “Happy anniversary, my love.”

“So you admit it,” Ashlyn teases.

“If it means you're going to be in the mood to celebrate all weekend, of course it's our anniversary,” Ali replies, tongue between her teeth as she grins.

From the outside of the house, Ashlyn can tell there's a party going on inside, but it manages to stay inconspicuous on a quiet street probably filled with families that attend their school, and Ashlyn suspects it's by design. It certainly doesn't seem like the type of house grade school teachers live in, but Ashlyn knows from plenty of research into her own job that the salary structure at Maret is vastly different from public schools.

Out of habit, Ali reaches for the doorbell, but Ashlyn grabs her hand and laughs, turning the handle on the door, which is (of course) open.

“You're such a grown-up,” Ashlyn teases, placing a hand on Ali’s lower back to lead her into the house, where music seems to be blasting from the basement. Now she can tell why no cops have been called. Upstairs, the party looks like a casual cocktail party, but all the loud music and (presumably) dancing is downstairs.

“Ashlyn!” Whitney is the first to greet them, always the first to notice any disruption in her surroundings. “I'm glad you made it! Ryan!” She calls to a guy mixing a drink at the bar, and he grins and walks over to join them. “Ryan, this is my friend Ashlyn, and this is her partner, Ali.”

Ali beams, extending her hand to shake his. Something about that word never sat right with her when she was with Brent. It felt like a scarlet letter that pointed out “unwed mother” to refer to him as anything besides “Mackenzie’s dad.” But the way Whitney says it, Ali thinks she might be okay with it. Girlfriend seems so juvenile. Ashlyn is her partner. Her partner in crime, partner in wrangling Mackenzie for bedtime, partner in beer pong when they're feeling frisky.

“Good to meet you guys,” Ryan says. “Drinks?”

“Uh, beer?” Ashlyn asks, looking to Ali, who nods. Ryan turns back toward the bar and grabs two bottles from the mini fridge, popping them open for the women.

“We just came upstairs to refresh our drinks, but everyone you'd know is downstairs,” Whit says. “There are always a ton of people I don't know because Kelley and Alex are social butterflies. Kelley makes friends with people in line at Target, so there's always a pretty good mix.”

“She has a date she's trying to impress tonight,” Ryan says, rolling his eyes, and Ali can feel the disappointment emanating from Ashlyn over her realization that Kelley and Alex aren't a thing like she wanted them to be.

Once downstairs, though, Kelley greets them and introduces them to her “friend,” Ann, and Alex’s boyfriend, Servando.

“One out of two isn’t bad,” Ashlyn murmurs to Ali as she gets wrapped up in conversation with Ann, who’s explaining how she and Kelley met and started “talking.”

Ann is a nurse in pediatrics at Georgetown, and Kelley “accidentally” (and literally) bumped into her after practically stalking her at a coffee shop when Ann was studying for her board exam.

“Her version of a pick-up line was to give me her number and tell me to call her when I had free time to go shopping for a new shirt to replace the one she spilled coffee all over.”

“And you did it?” Ali asks.

“A year later,” Kelley grumbles.

“You said when I wasn’t busy anymore!” Ann says. “I’m finally not busy. And you’re still cute. And single. Shocking when you consider how smooth you are with women.”

“Is that how you do it these days?” Ashlyn asks, sipping her beer. “The first time Ali had me over was to ‘watch a movie.’ At like midnight.”

“I’m sure that went well,” Kelley laughs. “Oldest trick in the book.”

“She’s still with me, isn’t she?” Ali says, kissing Ashlyn’s cheek and immediately wiping off her lipstick. “Sorry.”

“Sure you aren’t marking your territory?” Ashlyn smirks.

“I don’t have to,” Ali replies, squeezing Ashlyn’s hand quickly.

Ashlyn responds by slipping a hand into Ali’s back pocket, amazed that it fits. “Did you paint these on?” she whispers, squeezing gently.

“You’d have much easier access if I did,” Ali replies.

A few drinks later, Ali is dancing with Kelley and Alex as they sing Dixie Chicks karaoke, and Ashlyn wishes for that easy access as she watches Ali’s hips move, her crop top riding up to reveal more of her stomach. Something about knowing that there’s a tattoo just below the waistband of her jeans that nobody else knows about sends Ashlyn’s body into overdrive. By the time Ali comes back to her, pressing her body into Ashlyn’s, Ashlyn is ready to go.

“No, I’m having fun,” Ali whines.

“You’ll have more fun in bed with me,” Ashlyn promises.

“I have a better idea that’ll make us both happy,” Ali suggests, taking her hand. “Let’s go get another drink.”

Ashlyn follows along, rolling her eyes. When Ali gets this way, she’s stubborn and impossible to say no to, but she knows Ali will make it worth the wait when they get home. But when they get upstairs, Ali walks right by the kitchen and down a hall where there are several doors, all of which are closed.

“Ali…”

“Trust me,” Ali says, kissing her lips, and Ashlyn is powerless. Ali knocks on one door and listens closely to hear if there’s anyone inside. There doesn’t seem to be, so she opens it slowly and flicks on a light to illuminate a tidy bedroom.

“This is a bad idea,” Ashlyn warns, but she doesn’t stop Ali from locking the door behind her and pushing her onto the bed.

“What’s life without a few bad ideas?”

~

Several bad ideas later, Ali is tugging her jeans back on while Ashlyn is still flat on her back on the bed, collecting herself.

“Come on, baby, you gotta get up,” Ali laughs, leaning over Ashlyn to kiss her. Ashlyn grabs her waist to pull her down, and Ali squeals, but they both freeze when they hear someone trying to open the door.

“Shit,” Ashlyn says under her breath.

“Be quiet,” Ali says. “They’ll leave, then we can sneak out.”

“If it were you, would you just leave? Or would you stay outside the door and wait?”

“Ugh,” Ali groans. “You’re right.”

“I usually am.”

“Whose bedroom is it?” Ali hisses, looking around for hints.

“Does it matter?”

“Kind of!” Ali exclaims. “Alex scares me, and Kelley was really drunk.”

“I’m not that scary,” a voice calls through the door. “I just wanted to brush my teeth.”

Ashlyn shoots Ali a pointed look as she gets up from the bed and opens the door for Alex, who stands in the doorway, smirking. “I’m so sorry,” she says.

“Hey, it’s not the first time,” Alex says, looking them up and down in amusement. “Although last time it was because Kelley was so drunk she couldn’t find her own room.”

Ashlyn avoids Alex’s gaze, and she mumbles “sorry” a few more times as she pulls Ali away. “Are you finally ready to go?” she grits through her teeth.

“Yes,” Ali laughs, nipping at Ashlyn’s ear. “Happy anniversary. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Ashlyn says, wrapping her arms around Ali’s shoulders. “How fitting that we’d celebrate with you getting me into trouble somehow.”

“One year down,” Ali says. “Many many more to go. And I plan on getting you into all sorts of trouble in that time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two in one day? you know what to do ;)


	16. back to december

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlyn, Ali, and Mac celebrate Christmas, and Ali and Ashlyn come to a big decision.

Ashlyn isn’t sure how she’s going to face Alex or Kelley on Monday morning, but Ali takes it upon herself to send a plate of cookies to school with Mackenzie, along with a note that essentially says “sorry for fucking in your bed and thanks for having us!” (though not in so many words because Mackenzie can read).

In a weird way, the incident ends up being the thing that solidifies Ashlyn’s—and consequently Ali’s—places in “the crew.” They’ll probably never live it down, and every time they host people for drinks or dinner or a viewing of The Bachelor, Alex and Kelley make a point to sneak into Ashlyn and Ali’s bedroom and take a selfie of themselves on the bed.

Mackenzie, meanwhile, is overjoyed that her teachers (all three of them and her art teacher, though Christen and Alex don’t often come over at the same time) hang out at her house, though it makes it incredibly difficult to get her to bed on those nights. When they host a “Dirty Santa” Christmas gift exchange just before break in which everyone brings a dirty gift to be opened and everyone gets the opportunity to steal someone else’s gift depending on the order, it’s almost impossible to get her to bed till Ashlyn promises her a special day with Georgia and shopping and ice cream.

She delivers on it on an early release day just before Christmas break, whisking Mac and Georgia away for a coffee run and then a surprise, which ends up being a trip to All Fired Up, a suggestion Ashlyn crowdsourced from the girls at work.

“I was thinking we could make Mommy something from each of us,” Ashlyn tells Mackenzie as she browses the shelves for the perfect piece of pottery to paint. “What do you think she’d like?”

“Coffee!” Mac exclaims, picking up a mug.

“Perfect!” Ashlyn gasps, having known all along that’s what she’d pick. “G, whatcha got?”

“A dog bowl for our puppy,” she says, grinning.

“What puppy?”

“Daddy said we can get a puppy for Christmas,” Georgia says. “We’re going to the shelter to find one.”

“What are you going to name it?”

“I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl yet,” Georgia says, rolling her eyes.

“Duh,” Ashlyn says, rolling her eyes right back. “But how are you going to know what name to put on the bowl?”

Georgia thinks about it for a second. “I guess I can add it later,” she decides.

Ashlyn chooses a picture frame for Ali and starts painting as she listens to the girls talk about what they want for Christmas. Her ears perk up when Mac sighs and says she doesn’t think she’ll get her Christmas wish.

“What’s that, Mac?” Ashlyn asks.

“I told Mommy I want a little sister, and she said I had to ask Daddy.”

“What did he say?” Ashlyn asks, her heart pounding. They haven’t made a great deal of progress on the baby front, but Ali’s mind seems to be opening little by little, so it worries Ashlyn to hear that Ali would shoot down Mackenzie like that.

“He said he’s working on it, but it wouldn’t be for Christmas,” Mac sighs. “And he said it could be a boy too.” She crinkles her nose.

“What did Mommy say exactly when you asked her?” Ashlyn knows she’s walking a fine line, but she wants to know.

“She said maybe one day, but not till after she marries you.”

Ashlyn almost chokes on the coffee she’s drinking when she says that, and her heart pounds even faster. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Mac shrugs. “I just want one soon.”

~

For the first time since leaving Germany, Ashlyn isn’t spending Christmas in Florida, but when she wakes up on Christmas morning to a little girl tiptoeing into her bedroom to wake the woman sleeping beside her, she knows she’s still with family.

“Mama, Santa came!” Mac whispers excitedly.

“He did?” Ali asks, yawning.

“Yes, and he found Ashlyn too!”

“I sent in my change of address months ago, so he better have,” Ashlyn says. “Come on up, munchkin.”

“I’m not a munchkin, I’m 8,” Mac says seriously, climbing into the bed.

“My mistake, Your Majesty,” Ashlyn corrects herself. Mac curls up into Ali, who’s waking up slowly. “What do you think Santa brought?”

“Can we go find out?” Mac practically begs.

“All I want is ten minutes of cuddling with my favorite girls, can I have that?” Ali mumbles, wrapping her arms around Mackenzie, who sighs with exasperation.

Ali assumes she can get away with 15 or 20 minutes, but Mackenzie watches the clock on the nightstand to cut it off at exactly 10, and Ali curses herself for teaching her how to tell time.

“I’ll make coffee,” Ashlyn says, kissing Ali on the forehead as Mac bounds out of the room and down the stairs to the Christmas tree in the living room.

They settle in to open presents, a warm cup of coffee in Ali’s hand and a mug of hot cocoa for Mac while Ashlyn puts on a Santa hat and handles the present distribution. Mac has an absurd number of presents, and it’s only going to become more absurd when they go to Ali’s mom’s house later and then when Mac goes to Brent’s tomorrow for more. Ashlyn and Ali exchange their own presents as well, but they make sure to wrap each other a few “from Santa” for Mac’s sake.

The living room fills quickly with ripped wrapping paper and shrieks from Mac when she unwraps each gift, but she gets the most excited about Ali opening up her present. The wrapping paper has Mac’s handwriting on it, saying “To: Mommy,” but Ali is sure Ashlyn has to have been behind it because Mac doesn’t have money.

“Oh, baby, this is amazing!” Ali gasps when she opens the box gingerly to reveal the hand-painted mug. Mackenzie had painted it light blue and drawn three stick figures on the side meant to be her, Ali, and Ashlyn. On the bottom, she had signed her name, and Ashlyn had dated it for Christmas 2015. “Thank you,” Ali mouths to Ashlyn, but Ashlyn shakes her head.

“All Mac,” she says. “This one is from me.” She hands over the picture frame she had painted with a little more meticulousness than Mackenzie had. It took a little more time because she paid attention to every tiny detail, so she left it when the girls had finished up their art and had gone back a few days later to put on the finishing touches before letting them glaze it.

Ali opens it and lets out an “aw” when she sees that it’s a picture frame, but there’s no picture inside, just what looks like a printed receipt for plane tickets. She furrows her eyebrows as she takes in the words on the top of the frame. “Germany 2016… oh my God, you didn’t!” she gasps.

“Merry Christmas, baby,” Ashlyn says, grinning uncontrollably. “We’re going on Spring Break. I already talked to Brent and cleared it with him that Mac can come.”

“All of us?” Ali asks, realizing there are three tickets. “Ashlyn, I can’t believe you.”

“You can’t tee me up so perfectly by telling me exactly what you want and expect me not to find a way to make it happen,” Ashlyn laughs. “I can’t wait to show you my old stomping grounds and watch you speak German.”

“Ich liebe dich,” Ali murmurs, kissing her softly on the lips while Mac tries to figure out how to operate one of her new games.

“That’s hot,” Ashlyn whispers, kissing her back.

“Now I want to give you your present,” Ali groans. “But I can’t till Mac is gone.”

“Mac, get out,” Ashlyn deadpans. Mac looks up, annoyed that they’re distracting from her new toys, but she rolls her eyes when she sees them staring at each other as is so typical of them both.

“Tomorrow,” Ali says. “It’ll be worth the wait. I promise.”

~

The wait for tomorrow is even more worth it as far as Ali is concerned because Brent picks up Mackenzie before Ali even has the chance to change out of her pajamas, so she determines it’s going to be a pajama day. She whips up a quick breakfast of French toast (one of the easiest things she can make, but it always blows Ashlyn’s mind) and bacon and mixes two mimosas to bring upstairs to where Ashlyn was told to stay put.

“Happy Boxing Day,” Ashlyn says. “This might be better than Christmas.”

“Why, being woken up at the crack of dawn by an 8-year-old isn’t your thing?” Ali teases.

“I liked that actually,” Ashlyn says. “I haven’t had that in a while. But now that I have breakfast and you in bed, we can watch the Premier League and make out all day.”

“Sounds amazing,” Ali sighs, popping a piece of bacon into her mouth. “Cheers.”

“Cheers,” Ashlyn replies, clinking her champagne flute against Ali’s. “When do I get my present?”

Ali’s stomach immediately ties up in knots. She’s been planning this for a while, but she only decided as recently as Christmas Eve what the best way to do it would be. “I’m not enough of a present?”

“You just love to torture me,” Ashlyn groans.

“I do, but I promise that’s not what this is,” Ali says. “I just want you to finish breakfast first.”

Ashlyn sighs, but she does as instructed while Ali flips through the channels to find soccer. She loves watching soccer with Ali even when neither one of them care who wins because she gets it and loves to scream at the officials.

Ali eats slowly, but when she realizes they’re just down to crumbs and Ashlyn is waiting expectantly, she takes a deep breath.

“I just want to preface this by saying I feel really nervous right now.”

Ashlyn’s eyes widen in concern, but Ali smiles, reaching for the drawer in her nightstand. “Oh, so it’s that kind of present,” Ashlyn says, smirking as she sits up in bed ready for whatever Ali bought to spice things up, but her plans change again when she sees a book—a journal to be exact.

“Not that kind of present,” Ali says. “I’ve been keeping a journal for a little while now. I’m not as good as you are, and I’m definitely not as consistent, but Stacy suggested I do it to work through some things.”

“Okay,” Ashlyn says slowly, taking the journal as Ali hands it to her.

“I started it a week or so after our first real counseling session, and I’ve kind of updated it sporadically since then. I know it might be kind of unconventional, and I promise I have some real presents for you, but I really want you to read it.”

“That’s an amazing present, Al,” Ashlyn says, genuinely touched as she kisses Ali on the forehead. “I love knowing what’s going on in your head. This is really special. Thank you.”

“Just read it, okay?” Ali says, sliding off the bed and taking the breakfast tray with her. “I’m going to clean up the kitchen, but meet me down there whenever you’re done. Take your time.”

She regrets telling her to take her time when she finishes cleaning the kitchen and it feels like the minutes are crawling by. In reality, it’s only about an hour before Ashlyn comes down the stairs to a completely spotless first floor thanks to Ali’s nervous cleaning habits.

“Hi,” Ali says, standing up from the couch when she sees Ashlyn, who looks stunned. Her eyes are red, like she’s been crying, and Ali’s heart flies to her throat.

“Can we… talk about this?” Ashlyn asks, holding up the book.

“Yeah,” Ali says, sitting back down. Ashlyn sits next to her, but not close enough to touch.

“Thank you for letting me read this,” Ashlyn says, handing her the journal. “It was… a lot. But in a good way.”

“Yeah.”

“Your writing is beautiful,” Ashlyn says. “Just really well done.”

“Were you crying? I didn’t write anything sad, I don’t think.”

“It wasn’t sad,” Ashlyn says. “I just feel like I know you so much more intimately now, you know? It was overwhelming.”

“Right.”

“I just need you to know that I love you,” Ashlyn says. “And you are the most amazing woman I know, and none of this affects how I feel about you.”

Ali nods.

“Are you sure?” Ashlyn asks softly. “Answer honestly. If you don't know, that's okay too. I've made my decision to be with you no matter what.”

“Your happiness is mine,” Ali says. “I don't—I won't have another baby out of wedlock.” Ashlyn cringes at the outdated term. “You know what I mean. But you're not Brent, and if I were 29 and with you and didn't have Mackenzie, I wouldn't even be questioning whether I want to have kids with you.”

“You do have Mackenzie, though,” Ashlyn says. She had only halfway understood the complications having a child from a previous relationship would present to Ali before reading her journal entries struggling with it. “And she's important to me.”

“She wants to be a big sister,” Ali says. “And I want that for her.”

“You can change your mind,” Ashlyn says. “I won't hold it against you.”

“Ashlyn,” Ali says seriously, taking her hands. “I know what you're thinking, but I’m not just settling and giving into you. I want this. Not right this second, but one day. We can figure out logistics down the road, but this is a Christmas present for a reason. Don't take it as anything but what it is.”

“This means a lot to me,” Ashlyn says, choosing her words carefully. The only thing worse than Ali changing her mind would be Ali changing her mind and not telling Ashlyn because she's worried about disappointing her.

Ali wipes a tear that’s forming in the corner of her eye to put an end to it before it starts, but Ashlyn catches her and starts crying herself. Ali laughs as the tears start to fall, and she leans forward to kiss Ashlyn.

“Why are we crying?” Ashlyn asks, laughing at herself as much as the ridiculousness of Ali laughing through her tears. “It's Christmas.”

“It's Boxing Day,” Ali corrects her. “And I don't know about you, but I'm crying because I'm so relieved to be past this.”

“Now we have to find something new to argue about,” Ashlyn says. “What came first, the chicken or the egg?”

“The egg,” Ali answers instantly.

“Dammit,” Ashlyn swears. “I think so too.”

“We can start planning our Germany trip,” Ali suggests. “I'll teach you really basic phrases like ‘where's the bathroom?’ and ‘actually, she's my girlfriend, so back off, douchebag.’”

“Good call,” Ashlyn laughs. “And we can plan the number of shoes we can bring.”

“Four pairs each,” Ali says. “Which means you get two pairs and I get six.”

“And you don't get to bitch about your feet hurting because you wanted to wear cute shoes on a day that you make us walk through every museum you find on TripAdvisor.”

“Piggyback rides exist for a reason, Ashlyn.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooooooooo??


	17. just grab my hand and don't ever drop it, my love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali, Ashlyn, and Mackenzie take their first family trip to Germany.

Ashlyn knows she could have planned this better, but in her mind, leaving for Germany after school on the Thursday before Spring Break was smart. She and Mackenzie would be tired and able to sleep on the flight, and Ali would do whatever she needed, like drink a cocktail or pop a NyQuil (hopefully not both). She and Mackenzie were finished packing the night before, but she stupidly let Ali get away with saying she’d finish while they were at school the next day.

She even texted to confirm her bags were packed at lunchtime, but when Ashlyn gets home, her suitcase is wide open and clothes are everywhere.

“Alexandra,” Ashlyn says warningly. “Our flight to New York is in two and a half hours, and we still have to take Pepper to Brent’s.”

“I’m sorry!” Ali exclaims. “I went shopping.”

“You went shopping the day we’re leaving for Germany? Weren’t you planning on shopping there?”

“Yes, but I needed those eye mask things they only sell at Sephora,” Ali protests.

“False, you know they sell them at Target.”

“Okay, but I like the Sephora ones better,” Ali says. 

“You’re so lucky I love you,” Ashlyn grumbles, picking up her perfectly packed suitcase to bring downstairs. “You have 10 minutes. Anything you don’t have can be picked up at the airport or in Germany, but Mac and I won’t hesitate to leave you behind.”

“You’re full of shit.”

“You won’t try me on it, though, will you?”

Of course she does. Ali breezes down the stairs exactly 11 minutes later, pushing her sunglasses on top of her head and smirking. She knows exactly what she’s doing, but Ashlyn rolls her eyes and lets her think she’s won because in reality they don’t have to leave for another 10 minutes.

Getting through security is a challenge because of the juice box Mac left in her backpack from lunch, but after a hectic run through the terminal, Mackenzie practically thrown over Ashlyn’s shoulder, they finally get to breathe when they're in their seats and buckled in for takeoff.

Ali orders two cranberry vodkas and one virgin cranberry vodka (also known as just cranberry juice cocktail), and the three of them toast to a girls’ getaway.

“Prost,” Ali announces, clinking her plastic cup against Ashlyn and Mac’s, and Ashlyn will never get over how cute she is when she speaks German, especially because Ashlyn lived there for a year and barely knows “guten Morgen.”

They have a decently long layover in New York, where Ashlyn keeps Mac entertained with card games and barely manages to prevent Ali from getting coffee which will inevitably keep her up on the plane, which will inevitably make Ali keep Ashlyn up, leading to a very grumpy start to their European vacation.

They land in Munich at the perfect time for coffee and breakfast, though Ashlyn has to try extra hard not to roll her eyes at Ali insisting on Starbucks before they leave the airport. It's not that Ali isn't into culture and truly experiencing her surroundings, but she physically can't make it without her caffeine fix.

The Airbnb is perfect for them, a spacious flat with a huge kitchen that Ashlyn doesn't intend to use beyond coffee and snacks, a master bedroom and a children’s room that clearly belongs to siblings. Mackenzie picks the top bunk giddily while Ashlyn talks Ali down from sheer panic over the thought of her falling onto the hardwood in her sleep.

“No napping!” becomes Ashlyn’s theme for the day when Ali and Mackenzie are dragging due to the jet lag. They manage to get through a lowkey day of good food and exploration by way of taxi, but Ali passes out the second they get home, so Ashlyn tucks in Mac. They're almost finished with the book she began reading in preparation for their trip, Number the Stars.

Ali and Ashlyn went back and forth while planning to decide if Mac is old enough to see some of the historical sites that might be a little more disturbing for children, but after consulting Brent, they decide that the history is too important and the chance is too precious to pass it up. Ashlyn helped ease Mac into the idea by picking out that book to read and discuss in preparation. Ali usually joins their reading sessions, but tonight for the last chapter, Ashlyn flies solo.

The book in general is a bit of an emotional roller coaster for a child, but by the end of the book, Ashlyn is the one weeping openly.

“I don't like this book,” Mac decides softly, closing it and putting it to the side.

“Why?” Ashlyn asks, wiping her eyes, pretty sure she knows the answer.

“It's not just pretend,” Mackenzie says. “Those people really did those bad things, and it makes me sad.”

“It's very sad,” Ashlyn agrees. “But do you know why books like this one are important?” Mac shakes her head. “We have to learn from other people’s mistakes.”

“It wasn't a mistake!” Mackenzie exclaims, aghast. “They hurt all those Jewish people on purpose!”

“You're right,” Ashlyn says. “But people stood by and let it happen. Some of them were scared and wanted to protect themselves, so they didn't say anything when they saw bad things happen.”

“What if the Nazis come back?” Mac asks quietly.

“They won't,” Ashlyn says, wrapping her arms around the little girl, who seems so mature one second and so much like the 8-year-old she is the next. “But I would never let anyone hurt you or your mommy.”

“I wouldn't let anyone hurt you either,” Mac promises earnestly. “I love you too much.”

Ashlyn's heart melts as she squeezes her tighter. “I love you too,” she sighs. “Mommy and I wanted to take you to one of those places we talked about,” she tries to explain. “A concentration camp. It's like a museum now, there are no bad guys. But it might be really sad. Is that okay?”

Mac nods gravely, looking up at Ashlyn slowly. “Yeah,” she says. “Mommy will need me if she cries.”

“You're right,” Ashlyn says, trying not to laugh. That would be Mac’s main concern.

And they do all need each other three days later when they visit Dachau. Ashlyn shields Mac from the more grotesque exhibits, but they're all visibly impacted at the end, Ali all cried out and the three of them silent for hours on the car ride to Nuremburg, where they'll spend a day or two relaxing and visiting a castle, Mackenzie’s only demand in planning the trip.

That night, Ali stays up long enough for a hushed conversation in the tiny hotel room where Mac sleeps just five feet away.

“I love you,” she says. “For taking us on this trip, for letting Mackenzie come along, for treating her like she's yours.”

“I feel like she is sometimes,” Ashlyn confesses. “When we started the Great Baby Debate--” She's so relieved they can joke about it now. “I was trying to figure that part out. How I could feel so much like a mother to Mac while feeling so separate from you and Brent as her parents.”

“She's my baby,” Ali says. “But I love watching her become yours too. I love that my two best friends are each other’s best friends. It's special. Thanks for loving her.”

“Thanks for letting me.”

~

Ashlyn feels weirdly nervous about showing Ali around Frankfurt, where she used to live and nanny. The last time she was there was three years before she met Ali, and it feels weird to be back, especially weird to be on the doorstep of the family she used to live with, hand in hand with the woman she plans to spend the rest of her life with and a little girl around the same age as the eldest boy she cared for.

The littlest one doesn't remember her, but it's okay, she remembers enough for the both of them. The older one remembers her, but he's shyer than the boy she left behind, and she's reminded that nothing ever stays the same. Even Georgia has changed and grown a foot in front of Ashlyn’s very eyes every day at school.

The parents are the same, if a few years older and more weathered from chasing around two energetic little boys. Of course they've had au pairs since Ashlyn, and to them, she is just a year in their sons’ lives, but to her, they're everything.

Without them, she never would have been in Germany, let alone in the park on the day she met Brian and Georgia. And without them, she never would have ended up in Washington, D.C., volunteering for a field day she had no business attending. And without that, she wouldn't be standing here in their living room with two people she can't imagine her life or a future without.

The natural next place to go is the park where she spent so many hours with the boys. She and Ali sit on the very park bench where she met Brian as Mackenzie swings from the monkey bars, playing with the children on the playground as if there is no language barrier at all.

“This is incredible,” Ali sighs, leaning her head against Ashlyn’s shoulder. “I'm heartbroken that we only have two more nights.”

“Let's just stay forever,” Ashlyn suggests, only half joking. “Brent would get over it, right?”

“Would you be able to get over living an ocean away from that girl?” Ali asks, calling her bluff. “Luckily every day with you feels like a holiday.”

“Even when you're hungover as hell and I'm brushing my teeth too loud?”

“You hum!” Ali exclaims. “And you have no idea you're doing it.”

“I sing when I'm in a good mood, and I'm alway in a good mood the morning after I get laid.”

“Noted, I'll stop making that happen then.”

“Don’t you dare,” Ashlyn murmurs, kissing Ali on the cheek. Her favorite part of this trip has been feeling totally free to hold Ali’s hand and kiss her in public, things she might have taken for granted before.

Mac runs over to tap Ali’s arm. “I'm hungry,” she whines.

“I have an idea,” Ashlyn says. “Let's go back to the hotel and get a snack, and then we’ll pack up the car and drive to our new hotel.”

“We aren't staying in the same place we have been?” Ali asks, her brow furrowing. Changes of plan are not her thing, and as far as she knows, the hotel in Frankfurt is their final destination before heading home on Saturday.

“Nope, it's way better,” Ashlyn says. “Trust me.”

Ali groans and rolls her eyes, but she does trust her as Ashlyn crouches down and offers Mackenzie a piggyback ride to the hotel just down the road.

The drive takes about half an hour, and Mackenzie falls asleep in the backseat while Ali holds Ashlyn’s hand silently, taking in the beautiful landscape and trying to wrap her mind around just how lucky she is. Besides, if she did speak, it would just be to pester Ashlyn to explain where the hell they're going.

“Wake her up,” Ashlyn says, turning off the road and down a path. “I want her to see this.”

Ali reaches back to shake Mac’s foot and wake her up. “Baby, we’re almost there.” Mac rubs the sleep from her eyes as Ali turns back around, gasping at the view immediately. “Oh my God.”

“You thought visiting a castle was cool?” Ashlyn asks. “What about staying in one?”

~

“This is too much,” Ali breathes for the tenth time, taking in the enormous suite they're staying in for the next two nights. “Ashlyn, this is literally too much.”

“It's literally too late for me to get a refund, so stop saying that and just enjoy it,” Ashlyn says, kissing her quickly on the lips.

“Is this a real princess room?” Mac asks, gawking at the suite that's still twice as big as Ali and Ashlyn’s bedroom at home.

“Of course, that's why you're staying in it,” Ashlyn says.

“Tell Ashlyn thank you for getting this room,” Ali says, and Mackenzie wraps her arms around Ashlyn.

“Thank you, Ashlyn! I love you.”

“I love you too,” Ashlyn says. “Now put on your best princess dress so we can go have dinner in the royal dining room. You too, Queen,” she says, winking at Ali.

~

Mackenzie twirls in her yellow dress while Ali and Ashlyn walk hand-in-hand across the castle grounds to the restaurant. Ashlyn seems distracted by their surroundings, but who wouldn’t be? The grounds are filled with beautiful gardens and fountains along every path, and it really does seem like something straight out of a fairytale.

“Whatcha thinking?” Ali asks, bumping Ashlyn’s hip with her own.

“I want to walk down one of those paths,” Ashlyn says. “I want to explore, and it’s so beautiful this time of day.”

“Don’t you have reservations?” Ali asks.

Ashlyn looks at her watch and shrugs. “Yeah, but we have time. Come on. Hey, Mac! This way!” She leads Ali down a path, and Mackenzie runs ahead.

They seem to have picked a good one, because there is a couple with a tripod and a camera set up just ahead by a fountain, taking photos of each other and the flowers. Mackenzie doesn’t seem to realize, because she runs straight ahead without a care.

“Mackenzie Grace!” Ali calls. “Sweetheart, they’re taking pictures!”

The woman smiles and waves as if to say it’s alright when Mac mumbles her apologies and walks back to Ali and Ashlyn.

“Spriechen sie Deutsch?” the woman asks, gesturing between Ali and Ashlyn. Ashlyn points to Ali, who nods. She speaks to Ali in German, and Ashlyn looks on as Ali smiles, looking toward Mackenzie and back at Ashlyn and blushing.

“She says we have a beautiful family,” Ali tells Ashlyn. “They’re photography students in Frankfurt, and she wanted to know if she could take some pictures of us. They’ll email them to us.”

“What? That’s so cool, yeah!” Ashlyn agrees.

Ali translates while the woman gives them direction and her partner helps with the camera. They do a few posed pictures, but the photographers keep shooting even when they aren’t in any particular position for the sake of candids.

“Tell them danke!” Ali tells Mackenzie when they’re finished and packing up their things.

“Danke!” Mac exclaims, blowing a kiss.

“She’s right, you’re both pretty cute,” Ashlyn says, clasping Ali’s hand and bringing it to her lips.

“You are too,” Ali replies. “Actually you’re super cute.”

“What about me?” Mackenzie asks, linking her arm around Ali’s free arm.

“You are the cutest,” Ashlyn says. “Totally beat your mom.”

“I made her that cute,” Ali protests as they walk up to a gazebo where the path ends. “Oh crap, are we lost?”

“I don’t think it’s possible to get lost with all these paths,” Ashlyn says. “But I definitely don’t think we’re on the way to the restaurant anymore. Sorry, I can’t keep my eyes off you, how am I always the one in charge of getting us from place to place?”

“Oh please,” Ali laughs. “You’d be lost without me.”

“You don’t know how true that is,” Ashlyn says, kissing Ali on the forehead. “Dance with me.”

“Don’t be silly,” Ali says, blushing as she walks up the gazebo steps. “There’s no music!”

“That’s never stopped Mackenzie,” Ashlyn laughs, looking over at the 8-year-old who has managed to busy herself with the very serious task of finding a flower that matches her dress perfectly. Ashlyn wraps an arm around Ali’s waist and takes her other hand.

Ali stops fighting it and leans her head against Ashlyn’s chest as they sway, and even though there’s no music, she can imagine an entire orchestra if she closes her eyes. She opens them again when Ashlyn pulls away.

“Mac, can you come here for a sec?” Ashlyn asks.

“Are you done?” Mac sighs, exasperated with the romance.

“I’m just getting started,” Ashlyn says. “I have a question for you. For both of you.” She takes Ali’s hand, and even though she swore she would never do something quite so cliche, she gets down on one knee and takes a small ring box from her pocket.

Ali’s free hand flies to her face, and her eyes fill with tears immediately.

“Alexandra,” Ashlyn starts, and she knows she won’t last long. “Since I first met you—well, since after we got over the teen mom thing—you’ve added so much love, laughter, and adventure to my life. Every single day I’m more in awe of you and your heart, your brain, your ability to nurture. I aspire to be even half the mother you are one day. There is nothing that would give me more joy than to team up with you for life and be a family. If that family is just the three of us, my heart will be full. If that family is us and ten kids, well, I’d be happy with that too. The only guarantee I need is the two of you. Will you marry me?”

“Ashlyn,” Ali breathes, not even looking at the ring yet because that would require taking her eyes off something she wants to remember for the rest of her life.

“Say yes, Mama,” Mac whispers, and Ali laughs, wiping a tear from her eye.

“Yes, of course,” Ali says, finally looking at the ring as Ashlyn slips it on her finger.

Ashlyn doesn’t get up though. Instead, she takes another jewelry box from her other pocket and turns to Mackenzie. She pops it open to reveal a small gold heart-shaped locket on a chain. “Mackenzie,” she says. “Thank you for sharing your mommy with me and for being one of my best friends in the world. It would really mean a lot to me to marry your mommy. Can I be a part of your family?”

“You already are,” Mackenzie says, confused as to why she’d even be asking. “Is this for me?”

“It is,” Ashlyn says, taking the necklace out of the box and clasping it around Mac’s neck. “We can put a nice picture in here, maybe one of the ones Hannah took.”

“Hannah?” Ali asks, before it sinks in. “Wait… those weren’t just random photography students, were they?”

“Not a chance,” Ashlyn answers, finally standing up to kiss her new fiancee. “She’s an old friend from my au pair days.”

“Friend?” Ali asks, quirking her eyebrow.

“We just got engaged, don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.”

~

Ali tries to convince Ashlyn to let her go back to the suite to get her phone to call her family and to fix her makeup after crying (“duh, that’s why I had them take the pictures before I proposed”), but they’re already running late for dinner (at least that’s Ashlyn’s reason) and there will be plenty of time later.

“Harris, party of four,” Ashlyn says to the hostess.

“Three,” Ali corrects, and the hostess looks confused.

“It’s four,” Ashlyn says.

“What’s going on?” Ali asks as they follow her to their table, but Mackenzie figures it out before she does.

“Uncle Kyle!” she shrieks, running toward him. Some of the restaurant-goers look alarmed at the outburst, but Ali can’t be bothered to care as she lets go of Ashlyn’s hand and takes off after her. 

“Hi, princess,” he says, picking up Mac and kissing her cheek. “Look at you! This dress! Fierce. And look at this,” he continues, grabbing Ali’s left hand. “She did good, babe.”

“She did, didn’t she?” Ali beams.

“I meant with landing you, but the ring isn’t bad.”

“Look at my necklace!” Mackenzie says, directing the attention back to herself. “Ashlyn’s going to be my mommy too.” She furrows her brow, suddenly realizing how confusing that could get.

“I'm not going to be your mommy,” Ashlyn says gently. “You just have one of those.”

“Then what are you?”

“I'm still Ashlyn,” she says. Neither she nor Ali is big on the word “stepmom,” even though that's what Kimberly already is. Two nights before Brent’s wedding, Mackenzie had tearfully come to their room in the middle of the night asking if she was going to be like Cinderella now.

“And you still have to listen when she asks you to do something,” Ali says. “I can’t believe you’re here,” Ali turns to Kyle, her eyes filling with tears again. Ashlyn truly pulled out all the stops.

“You think I’d miss being there on the second happiest day of my sister’s life?” Kyle gasps. “I missed the first one, so I couldn’t let this one go by.” He’s talking, of course, about the day Mackenzie was born, and the mention makes Ali’s lip quiver, but he quickly pulls her into a hug. “I’m so glad you said yes, or else I would have had to have this five-course dinner all by myself, and the sleeping arrangements would have been awkward.”

“He’s staying in the room we were in before with Mackenzie,” Ashlyn says. “I got us a different one so after dinner we can give Mac and Kyle some alone time.”

“So selfless of you, really,” Kyle says, rolling his eyes.

Ashlyn pulls out a chair for Ali to sit in, and Kyle does the same for Mac. He makes Ali recount the build-up to the proposal, including the moment she knew something was up (she had suspected way back in Munich, but by the end of the trip she wasn't thinking about it anymore, and she had no idea till Ashlyn got down on one knee, she swears), and start planning the wedding (they're not even going to think about thinking about it till school is out for the summer).

“So when are you going to start making babies?” Kyle asks. “Mac doesn't laugh at my jokes anymore.”

“I would if they were funny,” she says.

Ashlyn freezes, but Ali just smiles, slipping her hand under the table to squeeze Ashlyn’s thigh.

“Wedding first,” Ali says. “Then a baby. Maybe another down the road if the first one doesn't scare Ashlyn to death.”

“But I'm the first baby,” Mackenzie protests, pouting. 

“That you are,” Ali agrees, kissing her on the top of her head. “You’ll always be my baby.”

~

When they finish dinner and dessert, Ali and Ashlyn say their goodbyes and retire to their suite at the top of one of the towers, where all the bags they left have been moved by Kyle. Rose petals litter the floor, and there are champagne and strawberries waiting to be consumed on the enormous bed.

“Look out here, sweetheart,” Ashlyn says, stepping onto the balcony. “We’re overlooking the garden with the gazebo.”

“You think of everything,” Ali says, wrapping her arms around Ashlyn’s waist from behind. She presses a kiss to the nape of her neck, pushing her hair to the side. “Can we break into that champagne and consummate our engagement now?”

“I don’t know if that’s a thing,” Ashlyn laughs, turning around in Ali’s arms.

“But are you going to turn me down?” Ali asks, raising her eyebrows.

“Of course not,” Ashlyn says. “But there’s something I need to do first.” She sits on the bed and pats the space next to me as she pulls out her phone, dialing Brian’s number on FaceTime.

“Hey!” he answers. He seems to be in a crowded room full of people, which isn’t particularly surprising, considering they’re on vacation in Hawaii with his entire family. “Oh, hey Ali. Everything good in Germany?”

“It’s great,” Ashlyn answers. “We’re having a ton of fun. You guys will have to come over for dinner when we get back so we can tell you all about it and hear all about Hawaii. But is Georgia there? I need to talk to her.”

“G!” he calls, waving her over. “Ashlyn wants to talk to you.”

Georgia runs over, her smiling face filling the screen soon. “Hi!”

“Hey, Peachy,” Ashlyn says, mirroring her grin. “Can you go somewhere quiet? I want to talk to you about something.”

Georgia looks around and tells her dad she’s going out into the hall, where she sits against the wall. “Okay, I can hear you now.”

“Good,” Ashlyn says. “I miss you. Are you having so much fun?”

“Yeah, we hiked on a volcano this morning!” Georgia exclaims. “I miss you too.”

“I have something kind of important to tell you,” Ashlyn says. “Remember when we went to that jewelry store and you helped me look for Ali’s Christmas present?” Georgia nods, so she continues. “And we looked at those rings too? And I told you I was going to ask her to marry me someday soon?”

“Yeah,” Georgia says slowly.

“Well, today is that day,” Ashlyn says, lifting Ali’s hand to show Georgia the ring. “And she said yes.”

Georgia gasps, laughing giddily. “You’re getting married?” she exclaims.

“We sure are,” Ashlyn replies.

“Does that mean me and Mackenzie get to be sisters?”

“You sure will,” Ashlyn laughs. “Well, as close as you can get.”

“When?”

“We don’t know yet,” Ashlyn says. “But when the time comes, it would mean a lot to me if you could be one of our flower girls with Mackenzie.”

“Okay, what do I have to do?” Georgia asks, considering it.

“We’ll talk about all that when we get home,” Ashlyn promises. “It’s getting late here, so we have to go to bed soon, but we’ll be back in a couple days. And then I fully expect lots of visits at school.”

“And a sleepover next weekend?”

“Of course,” Ashlyn says. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Georgia replies. “I love you too, Ali.”

Ali smiles softly, her heart going into overdrive for the hundredth time in the past few hours. She expects it will do that a few more times tonight yet. “I love you too, Georgia.”

“Can I tell Mom and Dad?” Georgia asks.

“Go for it,” Ashlyn laughs. “Tell them not to get mad at me for not telling them myself. You can tell them Ali and I have a lot of celebrating to do.”

“Okay!” Georgia agrees before hanging up.

“That was so bad,” Ali groans.

“She has no idea what I mean,” Ashlyn assures her. “I’m going to take advantage of that for as long as I can.”

“Whatever you say,” Ali laughs, unwrapping the champagne cork basket and carefully popping the cork so artfully Ashlyn rolls her eyes.

“You’re totally missing the point of the dramatic champagne,” Ashlyn sighs. “It’s supposed to explode magically like the fireworks between us.”

“First of all, I’m gonna go throw up at that,” Ali says. “And second of all, if I did that, we wouldn’t have as much to drink. So you’re welcome.”

Ashlyn pours the champagne into two glasses, handing one to Ali. “Prost,” she cheers, kissing her on the lips slowly before taking a sip.

“Prost,” Ali replies. “I love you.”

“I love you more.”

Ali sips her champagne slowly, not taking her eyes off Ashlyn. “You know,” she says, running her free hand through Ashlyn’s hair. “When you were proposing to me, all I could think about was that little girl. I wouldn't give anyone else such a permanent place in Mac’s life if I didn't think they'd make a better parent than me, but when I see the way you are with Georgia, I don't have to picture it or imagine it down the line, because I see it firsthand.”

“Being a nanny isn't the same as being a mom.”

“No,” Ali agrees. “But normal nannies don't get tattoos in honor of the kids they watch or volunteer at their schools or make a special effort to befriend their friends’ moms.”

“To be fair, her friend’s mom is a babe.”

Ali rolls her eyes and smiles. “You've always been way more than a nanny to Georgia. You've been her family. And when I think about starting a family with you, I don't think about you, me, and Mac. Georgia’s in that picture too. I don't care how strange that sounds, I like our unconventional little family, and as far as I'm concerned, we started it a long time ago.”

Ashlyn smiles, taking Ali’s chin in her hand and kissing her lips, holding up Ali’s left hand as she pulls away. “And that's why I'm marrying you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's over already! This was a tiny little silly idea I had back when Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt dropped its second season and I found myself shipping Deidre and Kimmy like RIGHT off the bat. This is probably the quickest I've ever written something so long, and I appreciate all the kind words and support :)
> 
> There are a few things I want to write as additions to this, and those are coming, and I really don't think I'm ready to let this universe go yet, but adios for now!


	18. alt. ending: this is me swallowing my pride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlyn, Ali, and Mac celebrate Christmas, and Ali and Ashlyn come to a big decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While the outcome of the story I posted is the One True Ending and everything else I write in this universe will be in accordance with that outcome, the debate (if you follow me on Tumblr you know what I'm talking about) really inspired me creatively to stretch my muscles and see how it could have turned out a couple different ways.
> 
> This is the first of two alternate "endings." This one is in place of the original chapter 16.

Ashlyn isn’t sure how she’s going to face Alex or Kelley on Monday morning, but Ali takes it upon herself to send a plate of cookies to school with Mackenzie, along with a note that essentially says “sorry for fucking in your bed and thanks for having us!” (though not in so many words because Mackenzie can read).

In a weird way, the incident ends up being the thing that solidifies Ashlyn’s—and consequently Ali’s—places in “the crew.” They’ll probably never live it down, and every time they host people for drinks or dinner or a viewing of The Bachelor, Alex and Kelley make a point to sneak into Ashlyn and Ali’s bedroom and take a selfie of themselves on the bed.

Mackenzie, meanwhile, is overjoyed that her teachers (all three of them and her art teacher, though Christen and Alex don’t often come over at the same time) hang out at her house, though it makes it incredibly difficult to get her to bed on those nights. When they host a “Dirty Santa” Christmas gift exchange just before break in which everyone brings a dirty gift to be opened and everyone gets the opportunity to steal someone else’s gift depending on the order, it’s almost impossible to get her to bed till Ashlyn promises her a special day with Georgia and shopping and ice cream.

She delivers on it on an early release day just before Christmas break, whisking Mac and Georgia away for a coffee run and then a surprise, which ends up being a trip to All Fired Up, a suggestion Ashlyn crowdsourced from the girls at work.

“I was thinking we could make Mommy something from each of us,” Ashlyn tells Mackenzie as she browses the shelves for the perfect piece of pottery to paint. “What do you think she’d like?”

“Coffee!” Mac exclaims, picking up a mug.

“Perfect!” Ashlyn gasps, having known all along that’s what she’d pick. “G, whatcha got?”

“A dog bowl for our puppy,” she says, grinning.

“What puppy?”

“Daddy said we can get a puppy for Christmas,” Georgia says. “We’re going to the shelter to find one.”

“What are you going to name it?”

“I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl yet,” Georgia says, rolling her eyes.

“Duh,” Ashlyn says, rolling her eyes right back. “But how are you going to know what name to put on the bowl?”

Georgia thinks about it for a second. “I guess I can add it later,” she decides.

Ashlyn chooses a picture frame for Ali and starts painting as she listens to the girls talk about what they want for Christmas. Her ears perk up when Mac sighs and says she doesn’t think she’ll get her Christmas wish.

“What’s that, Mac?” Ashlyn asks.

“I told Mommy I want a little sister, and she said I had to ask Daddy.”

“What did he say?” Ashlyn asks, her heart pounding. They haven’t made a great deal of progress on the baby front, but Ali’s stance hasn’t seemed to change.

“He said he’s working on it, but it wouldn’t be for Christmas,” Mac sighs. “And he said it could be a boy too.” She crinkles her nose.

“What did Mommy say exactly when you asked her?” Ashlyn knows she’s walking a fine line, but she wants to know.

“She said not in a million years.”

Ashlyn’s heart sinks, not that she was expecting anything different. “Oh.”

“Yeah,” Mac shrugs. “I guess I have to wait for Daddy.”

~

For the first time since leaving Germany, Ashlyn isn’t spending Christmas in Florida, but when she wakes up on Christmas morning to a little girl tiptoeing into her bedroom to wake the woman sleeping beside her, she knows she’s still with family.

“Mama, Santa came!” Mac whispers excitedly.

“He did?” Ali asks, yawning.

“Yes, and he found Ashlyn too!”

“I sent in my change of address months ago, so he better have,” Ashlyn says. “Come on up, munchkin.”

“I’m not a munchkin, I’m 8,” Mac says seriously, climbing into the bed.

“My mistake, Your Majesty,” Ashlyn corrects herself. Mac curls up into Ali, who’s waking up slowly. “What do you think Santa brought?”

“Can we go find out?” Mac practically begs.

“All I want is ten minutes of cuddling with my favorite girls, can I have that?” Ali mumbles, wrapping her arms around Mackenzie, who sighs with exasperation.

Ali assumes she can get away with 15 or 20 minutes, but Mackenzie watches the clock on the nightstand to cut it off at exactly 10, and Ali curses herself for teaching her how to tell time.

“I’ll make coffee,” Ashlyn says, kissing Ali on the forehead as Mac bounds out of the room and down the stairs to the Christmas tree in the living room.

They settle in to open presents, a warm cup of coffee in Ali’s hand and a mug of hot cocoa for Mac while Ashlyn puts on a Santa hat and handles the present distribution. Mac has an absurd number of presents, and it’s only going to become more absurd when they go to Ali’s mom’s house later and then when Mac goes to Brent’s tomorrow for more. Ashlyn and Ali exchange their own presents as well, but they make sure to wrap each other a few “from Santa” for Mac’s sake.

The living room fills quickly with ripped wrapping paper and shrieks from Mac when she unwraps each gift, but she gets the most excited about Ali opening up her present. The wrapping paper has Mac’s handwriting on it, saying “To: Mommy,” but Ali is sure Ashlyn has to have been behind it because Mac doesn’t have money.

“Oh, baby, this is amazing!” Ali gasps when she opens the box gingerly to reveal the hand-painted mug. Mackenzie had painted it light blue and drawn three stick figures on the side meant to be her, Ali, and Ashlyn. On the bottom, she had signed her name, and Ashlyn had dated it for Christmas 2015. “Thank you,” Ali mouths to Ashlyn, but Ashlyn shakes her head.

“All Mac,” she says. “This one is from me.” She hands over the picture frame she had painted with a little more meticulousness than Mackenzie had. It took a little more time because she paid attention to every tiny detail, so she left it when the girls had finished up their art and had gone back a few days later to put on the finishing touches before letting them glaze it.

Ali opens it and lets out an “aw” when she sees that it’s a picture frame, but there’s no picture inside, just what looks like a printed receipt for plane tickets. She furrows her eyebrows as she takes in the words on the top of the frame. “Germany 2016… oh my God, you didn’t!” she gasps.

“Merry Christmas, baby,” Ashlyn says, grinning uncontrollably. “We’re going on Spring Break. I already talked to Brent and cleared it with him that Mac can come.”

“All of us?” Ali asks, realizing there are three tickets. “Ashlyn, I can’t believe you.”

“You can’t tee me up so perfectly by telling me exactly what you want and expect me not to find a way to make it happen,” Ashlyn laughs. “I can’t wait to show you my old stomping grounds and watch you speak German.”

“Ich liebe dich,” Ali murmurs, kissing her softly on the lips while Mac tries to figure out how to operate one of her new games.

“That’s hot,” Ashlyn whispers, kissing her back.

~

The next morning, Brent picks up Mackenzie before Ali even has the chance to change out of her pajamas, so she determines it’s going to be a pajama day. She whips up a quick breakfast of French toast (one of the easiest things she can make, but it always blows Ashlyn’s mind) and bacon and mixes two mimosas to bring upstairs to where Ashlyn was told to stay put.

“Happy Boxing Day,” Ashlyn says. “This might be better than Christmas.”

“Why, being woken up at the crack of dawn by an 8-year-old isn’t your thing?” Ali teases.

“I liked that actually,” Ashlyn says. “I haven’t had that in a while. But now that I have breakfast and you in bed, we can watch the Premier League and make out all day.”

“Sounds amazing,” Ali sighs, popping a piece of bacon into her mouth. “Cheers.”

“Cheers,” Ashlyn replies, clinking her champagne flute against Ali’s. She watches as Ali takes her sip, but she doesn’t take one herself. “Thank you.”

“It’s cheap,” Ali laughs.

“Not for the champagne,” Ashlyn says, shaking her head. “For all of this. For letting me into your life so seamlessly. For making me feel like I matter in Mackenzie’s life.”

“You do.”

“I know,” Ashlyn agrees. “I’m starting to realize that.”

“She adores you, you know that.”

“I know,” Ashlyn says again. “I just didn’t realize how much I would love her.”

“She’s pretty lovable.”

“Like her mom,” Ashlyn says softly. She turns away suddenly and reaches into her nightstand.

“Bringing out the reinforcements so early in the day?” Ali laughs. “No foreplay or anything?” She stops laughing when she sees the familiar sheet of paper in Ashlyn’s hand.

Ashlyn sits cross-legged and unfolds the paper where she had listed her top five goals and looks at it. Ali knows exactly what she’s looking at.

“Not today,” Ali says. “Please. It’s the holidays. Please don’t.”

“Read it,” Ashlyn whispers, handing it to her. “Out loud.”

“Are you trying to get in my head?” Ali asks, taking the paper skeptically. “Ashlyn, I don’t want to get into this.”

“Ali, trust me,” Ashlyn says. “From the beginning.”

“Marry Alexandra Krieger,” Ali starts, smiling slightly. Ashlyn had doodled a heart and two stick figures holding hands, one wearing a gown and a veil. “Run a half marathon. Beat Whitney at New York Times crosswords.”

“Hasn’t happened yet, but I’m close.”

“On all counts?” Ali teases.

“You tell me.”

Ali rolls her eyes and goes back to the paper. “Make a solid group of friends in D.C. Okay, I think you made a start, but then we had sex in Alex’s bed.”

“Shut up, you know she loves us.” Ashlyn sticks out her tongue. “Okay, last one.”

“Ashlyn.”

“Please.”

Ali sighs, looking back down at the paper. She already knows what it says. She doesn’t understand why Ashlyn would put her through this again. “Be a mom.”

Ashlyn nods. “Hear me out.”

“What part of I don’t want to talk about this now don’t you understand?” Ali exclaims, exasperated. Her hands are clenching the paper, which Ashlyn pries away gently, and tears fill her eyes.

“Remember when we first talked about my mom? Like really talked about her?” Ashlyn asks, her voice as gentle and quiet as can be. Ali nods, so she continues. “When I was little and I looked at all my friends and their moms, I was so angry. Why couldn’t my mom be like that? Their moms went to their soccer games and volunteered to bring snacks and tucked them in and read to them at night. It didn’t make sense to me why mine was so different.”

Ali reaches out to place a hand on Ashlyn’s knee for comfort, suddenly more concerned with Ashlyn’s feelings than with keeping her guard up. “Sweetheart.”

“I watched all these movies like Matilda and Annie where orphans or kids with bad parents could just have someone swoop in and save them. I asked my mom to put me up for adoption one time, and she cried.”

“Baby, I—”

“Let me finish,” Ashlyn says. “I had a mom, but she wasn't what a mom should be, at least not back then. When I was growing up, I wanted to be the mom I wish I had. The mom who takes her kids out for frozen yogurt after school and who kisses them goodnight and listens to all their stories and makes forts with them when it's thundering outside.”

Ali nods, blinking back her tears. She’s tried so hard to be open-minded about her declaration to never have more children, but she hasn't made nearly as much progress as Ashlyn would like. And if it's this important to Ashlyn, she can't see this ending any better than it did with Brent. Only it will hurt a hell of a lot more.

“I wasn't sure how I'd feel about changing diapers and spit-up and sleepless nights, but I figured you have to pay your dues to get to the good stuff, right?” Ashlyn smiles. “Yesterday morning, when Mac came in and got under the covers and I looked over at you, I realized this is the good stuff. This is what I've always wanted. A woman to love who loves me back so well and a kid who looks at me like I have all the answers and who still loves me even when I don't.”

Ali’s tears are still lining her eyes, and her heart is racing. Ashlyn can't possibly mean what she thinks she means.

“I want to be a mom,” Ashlyn says. “Maybe it's not the way I had planned it, but plans change. Being with you is better than any plan I've ever made, and I'm not giving that up for anything.”

“Ashlyn,” Ali breathes.

“This is enough,” Ashlyn says, taking Ali’s hands in her own and pulling them to her chest. “I get to read with Mac before bed and get hugs and kisses before and after school and see her gymnastics meets and feel my heart burst with pride when she wins the class spelling bee.”

“But you've always wanted—”

“This is it,” Ashlyn says. “You are what I want. I will never say no if somewhere down the line you decide you want another baby, but I won't wait for it, and I won't expect it. I want this family. Yappy dog and all.”

Ali wraps her arms around Ashlyn’s neck and buries her face into her chest, finally letting her tears fall. “I love you so much,” she sobs. “I’ve been so scared to lose you.”

“Never,” Ashlyn whispers, kissing her temple. “Now we have to find something new to argue about. What came first, the chicken or the egg?”

“The egg,” Ali answers instantly, sniffling as her head pops up.

“Dammit,” Ashlyn swears. “I think so too.”

Ali laughs, wiping her tears. “We can start planning our Germany trip,” she suggests. “I'll teach you really basic phrases like ‘where's the bathroom?’ and ‘actually, she's my girlfriend, so back off, douchebag.’”

“Good call,” Ashlyn laughs. “And we can plan the number of shoes we can bring.”

“Four pairs each,” Ali says. “Which means you get two pairs and I get six.”

“And you don't get to bitch about your feet hurting because you wanted to wear cute shoes on a day that you make us walk through every museum you find on TripAdvisor.”

“Piggyback rides exist for a reason, Ashlyn.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Given this ending, chapter 17 remains mostly the same, aside from a few key differences in the proposal ;)


	19. alt. ending: love is a ruthless game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlyn and Ali realize that some things are insurmountable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is probably the ugliest thing I've ever written, just going to go ahead and warn you right now
> 
> AGAIN, the only REAL ending is the one I wrote in chapter 17, but this "alternate ending" starts in the middle of chapter 14.
> 
> The ending is... up for interpretation, I guess we should say, but again, this is just an exercise, so it doesn't really matter ;)

It takes less than ten minutes on Disney property for Ali to turn into a giddy child, and Ashlyn doesn’t think she’s ever seen anything cuter. She probably spends her entire first paycheck buying Ali frozen bananas and Minnie Mouse ears and stupid keychains that she’ll never use, not to mention the countless souvenirs they have to pick up for Mackenzie.

By the end of the day, they’re loaded down with way more bags than they came with and way more red on their skin (Ashlyn mostly, Ali manages to get a pretty nice tan, if a little tender in some spots). Ashlyn can’t quite figure out how the hell they’re going to manage getting it all on the plane when they head home, but she wouldn’t trade the weekend for anything, even as Ali massages aloe into her bare shoulders.

She’s being as gentle as she possibly can, but Ashlyn whimpers like a wounded animal any time she feels the tiniest bit of pain.

“You big baby,” Ali chastises as she straddles Ashlyn’s back, working the cool lotion over her burnt skin.

“This isn’t what I meant when I said I wanted you on top of me tonight,” Ashlyn whines.

“You yelp every time I touch you, and you’re burnt all over,” Ali laughs. “If you don’t let me do this, I promise you won’t want me touching you anywhere. And I assume the handcuffs are going to waste.”

That gets Ashlyn’s attention, and she whips her head around. “I mean, I could still use them on you.”

“The sun must have really gotten to you,” Ali teases. “There are no handcuffs. I’m screwing with you.”

“That was mean.”

“Hey, at least I know you’re open to it now,” Ali giggles. 

“I'm open to anything when it comes to you.”

“Same,” Ali murmurs, kissing the back of Ashlyn’s neck and down her spine tenderly.

“Except having a baby,” Ashlyn mumbles. Ali freezes, and Ashlyn knows immediately it was the wrong thing to say, but she doesn't want to take it back.

Ali climbs off her slowly, folding her arms across her chest. “I don't want to do that tonight.”

“Okay, then when?”

“When I've had time to think.”

“You've had three weeks.”

“And I've had three years to think about not wanting a baby.”

“Yeah, with Brent.”

“No, at all!” Ali exclaims. “I know you think I’m going to just change my mind, but I’m not. I said I’d keep an open mind. That’s all I agreed to.”

“Then what the hell are we doing?” Ashlyn asks, throwing up her hands in exasperation. “You’re stuck on your side and I’m stuck on mine.”

“We’re figuring it out,” Ali says quietly.

“What do you think that means?” Ashlyn asks. “Because as far as I can tell, so far ‘figuring it out’ has been you waiting for me to change my mind and me waiting for you to change yours and plenty of passive aggression on both sides, and it’s not what a loving relationship should be.”

“I like it better when we just don’t talk about it.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” Ashlyn says. “Not doing anything means you get your way.”

“A baby is a permanent decision we aren’t nearly ready to make anyway,” Ali says.

“And you were more ready when you were 21?”

Ali sucks air through her teeth. “That’s really low.”

“You weren’t ready!” Ashlyn exclaims. “But look at you now. You have Mac and a life that anyone would envy. Just because something wasn’t part of the plan doesn’t mean it’s inherently bad.”

“You don’t understand.”

“You're right, I don’t,” Ashlyn says. “Because you're the one who gets to be a mom, while I will never get to relate.”

“You have—”

“Had,” Ashlyn says. “I had Georgia. That's the difference. Mac will never be past tense for you. When Georgia cried as a baby, she cried for her mom, not for me. When she got older, I was her friend or her big sister, not her mom. I never wanted to be her mom, don't get me wrong, but I want to be a mom. One day. To someone. So yeah, it pisses me off that you get that and I don't and you won't put yourself in my shoes.”

“Why can’t it be Mac?”

“What do you mean?”

“You want to be a mom,” Ali says. “A mom is someone who is always there to kiss boo boos and give hugs and just love unconditionally. I don’t see how that doesn’t describe who you are to Mackenzie.”

“She’s not mine,” Ashlyn says. “She’s yours. I do love her. Unconditionally. But she’ll never be mine.”

“So what if I say yes?” Ali says. “What if I say let’s do it, let’s have a baby.”

“Then we… go from there,” Ashlyn answers, confused.

“And when we have a baby and Mackenzie is the odd one out?”

“That’s not going to happen.”

“You can’t know that!” Ali exclaims. “You’re so obsessed with the idea of having your own baby. Why is that so different? Why?” Her eyes are filled with tears now, and her teeth are chattering as she tries to calm herself.

“I don’t want to do this to you,” Ashlyn whispers. “I can’t see you like this.”

“Like what?” Ali asks, tears falling. “Do what to me?”

“This is exactly what happened to you and Brent,” Ashlyn says. “Goddammit. The last thing I want is to do what he did. I don’t want to put you through this again.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I don’t want the rest of our relationship to be a repeat of the last three weeks, arguing about the same thing on and on until we can’t take it anymore.”

“What’s your solution?”

“There are two outcomes,” Ashlyn says. “Well, three, I guess. One of us changes our mind and we live happily ever after. One of us changes our mind and resents the other forever. Or we fight and fight until we can’t be together anymore, and by that time, we’re all so much more hurt than we would be if we just ended it now.”

Ali’s whole body shakes as Ashlyn’s words settle in. “Ashlyn, we can’t—”

“We can’t fight like we have been,” Ashlyn says. “I can’t see you cry like this. We can’t change ourselves to fit each other just because it seems like the nice, safe thing to do.”

“Stop!” Ali cries out. “Don’t. Don’t do this.”

“I’m not doing anything, Ali, I’m just thinking out loud,” Ashlyn says calmly, her heart speeding up. “It hasn’t even been a year. We’re still learning about each other. This is one of those things that people end relationships over. You know that from experience.”

“You can’t just hold this over me,” Ali says, tears falling down her cheeks. “That’s… it’s mean, Ashlyn.”

“I don’t want to hold it over you,” Ashlyn says softly, trying to make eye contact with Ali, who’s looking down at the floor. “I’m not trying to threaten you here. I’m trying to explain why we might need to reevaluate this relationship if we don’t want the same things.”

Ali can’t speak anymore, she’s sobbing so hard. Ashlyn leans forward to wrap her arms around her, but Ali turns away, getting off the bed.

“Baby.”

“Don’t call me that,” Ali chokes out. “Don’t touch me. Don’t talk to me.”

“Alex, talk to me,” Ashlyn pleads. “I’m not breaking up with you.”

“Could have fooled me!”

“I want to talk about it,” Ashlyn says. “I want to be with you, you know that.”

“But not more than you want a baby.”

Ashlyn is quiet.

“I thought so,” Ali whispers.

“I don’t want to make a rash decision,” Ashlyn says. “But we both need to understand what’s at stake.”

“You act like I haven’t understood that from the second you told me you wanted kids,” Ali says. “As if I didn’t go through the exact same thing with Brent. Only this is so much worse, because I have never in my life loved someone as much as I love you.”

“Sure you have,” Ashlyn says softly. “Mac. And if we can’t do this, she’ll always be there. And I will be there too. Maybe just not in the way we would have liked.”

“I can’t believe you’re doing this here,” Ali says. “After a perfect day at the happiest place on earth. Jesus, do you think anyone has ever broken up on Disney property? We’ve got to be the first, right?”

“We’re not breaking up,” Ashlyn insists.

“I don’t want to be with you,” Ali says. “Not this version of you, the one who makes me feel guilty for making a decision that’s best for my family before I even met you and not just changing my mind because you’re in the picture.”

“I’m not trying to make you feel guilty,” Ashlyn sighs, running her hands through her hair in exasperation. “I respect your decision. The one you made for yourself and Mac. But like you said, you made that decision before you met me. You can’t make that decision for me.”

“Maybe you’d make the same decision if you loved me as much as I thought.”

“And maybe you’d change your mind if you loved me as much as I thought,” Ashlyn spits back, turning around Ali’s hurtful words. “I don’t want to do this. I never wanted a nasty break-up with harsh words and tears and yelling.”

“I thought you said it isn’t a break-up.”

“I didn’t want it to be,” Ashlyn says. “I wanted to take some time to think things through, and I wanted you to know what was going on in my head. I thought you’d understand.”

“Well I don’t,” Ali says, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “We love each other. Mac loves you. You love her.”

“I know,” Ashlyn agrees. “But when two people want completely different things, sometimes love isn’t enough.”

Ali dissolves in tears, and this time she doesn’t fight it when Ashlyn pulls her in for a hug, bringing her into the bed. They fall asleep like that, Ali’s head on Ashlyn’s chest, Ashlyn rubbing her back soothingly. Their body temperatures rose during the fight, leaving them uncomfortably warm, but neither one of them moves.

~

The trip home is awful. Their flight is delayed, then canceled, then the next flight is delayed, giving them hours to sit in the airport avoiding talking about anything at all. When they finally get back well after midnight, Ashlyn takes the guest room without a word from either woman. She pretends she can’t hear Ali two doors over, crying herself to sleep.

Ashlyn knows she looks like shit when she goes to school the next morning, a mixture of crying and lack of sleep, but Whitney is kind enough not to say anything. When Mac bounds into her office shortly after the final bell rings, her perky demeanor is a shock to Ashlyn’s system.

“I missed you!” Mac says, running and jumping into Ashlyn’s lap as she sits on the couch going through paperwork.

“I missed you too, little lady,” Ashlyn says, kissing her on the top of the head. “I know your mommy missed you even more, are you ready to go home?”

Mac nods eagerly, and she doesn’t stop rambling about her exciting weekend with Brent till they arrive home, where Ali has pulled herself together far better than Ashlyn has, a smile plastered on her face as she picks up Mackenzie for a tight reunion hug.

“What if we get breakfast for dinner?” Ali suggests.

“But it’s Monday,” Mac protests, confused.

“That’s okay! Sometimes we can change things up, right?” She gives Mac a kiss on the forehead. “Go downstairs and do your homework, okay? No TV till it’s done. Tell me if you need any help.”

Mac shuffles down the stairs obediently, and the mood in the room shifts immediately.

“How was work?” Ali asks, her voice devoid of emotion.

“Good,” Ashlyn replies, restraining herself from leaning in for a kiss. She’s sure it wouldn’t be appreciated.

“What are we going to do?”

“I don’t know,” Ashlyn sighs. “Should I go stay at the Hollinses for a few nights?”

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” Ali says. “I don’t want to freak her out.”

“Because us not sleeping in the same room won’t tip her off?”

“If you want to leave, leave,” Ali says, her voice remaining toneless.

“I don’t want to leave. I just think we need to take some time and space.”

“I think we need to see Stacy.”

“We’re going Wednesday,” Ashlyn reminds her. “Maybe she’ll have an idea.”

“Maybe for now things can just stay how they are,” Ali says. “Sleep in my bed. I don’t sleep as well without you.”

Ashlyn sighs. “Ali, I don’t know if—”

“I don’t care,” Ali says. “I was mad, but it’s comforting having someone there. I don’t hate you. I want you there.”

“No sex,” Ashlyn stipulates.

“No sex,” Ali agrees.

They break their only rule mere minutes after crawling into bed to go to sleep. It’s oddly distant, despite the intimacy of the situation, Ali biting Ashlyn’s shoulder as Ashlyn’s fingers curl inside her, her other arm strong around Ali’s waist. Ali comes more quietly than Ashlyn’s ever seen, and without discussion, she moves between Ashlyn’s thighs to return the favor before rolling away and sleeping on her own side of the bed.

~

Stacy knows something is up as soon as Ashlyn sits down next to Ali on the couch. “Next to” probably wouldn’t even be the word for putting at least a foot of space between them and not greeting Ali with a kiss because Ashlyn is running late.

“How was the weekend?” she asks, looking between them. “Meeting the family? Getting some alone time?”

“We broke up,” Ali says.

“We did not break up,” Ashlyn protests. “We discussed it.”

“How did it come up?” Stacy asks, pushing her glasses up her nose.

“It was the baby thing again,” Ali says. “She doesn’t understand where I’m coming from, and it feels like she doesn’t want to.”

“I language, Ali,” Stacy reminds her gently.

Ali sighs. “I feel like I’m not being understood.”

“And I feel like I do understand,” Ashlyn says. “But understanding how she feels doesn’t make me want what I want for my future less.”

“Then maybe we need to talk about goals again,” Stacy says. “Why are you here? Is it because you are both committed to this relationship and want to figure out how to make it work? Or is it to figure out whether the relationship is worth saving? Or something else entirely?”

“I don’t want to be in this relationship if we’re hurting each other,” Ashlyn says. “I know it sounds cliche, but I love her too much to upset her like I do every time I talk about wanting kids.”

Ali tries to respond, but she knows if she opens her mouth all that will come out is a strangled sob, so she keeps it closed and squeezes her eyes shut.

“Ali,” Stacy says gently. “What about you?”

Ali shakes her head and waves her hand in front of her face as if to say “pass.” But Stacy doesn't let up, instead waiting in silence for her to gather herself.

Ashlyn stays frozen to her seat, not reaching over to comfort Ali because she isn't sure how she’ll react.

Finally, Ali breaks, tears falling down her face and gasps breaking up her words.

“I'm scared if this doesn't work I'm going to be alone forever,” she cries.

~

From there, things spiral out of control. Their agreement not to talk about therapy outside of therapy goes out the window, and their fights get louder, words more hurtful, tears more bitter.

Most days are mostly good, but they're always walking on eggshells. Ali stops by Ashlyn’s office sometimes for a kiss and a quick chat, but more often than that, she’ll come to volunteer without even telling Ashlyn.

Stacy does her best to get them to talk, but they talk themselves in circles, always ending up in the same place. Neither one of them is ever in the mood for sex anymore, even though Ashlyn catches Ali getting herself off in the shower more than once.

Brent’s wedding is a disaster, of course. It's beautiful and magical and everything perfect on the outside, but it ends in a screaming match in the hotel room for Ali and Ashlyn (over Ali leaving her curling iron on, of all things), and they thank God Mackenzie is with Brent’s parents for the night.

The last real fight is over Thanksgiving. Ashlyn makes plans to go home without talking to Ali about it, so she doesn't find out till Ashlyn’s packing two nights before.

“Uh, where are you going?” Ali asks, walking back in the room after putting Mackenzie to bed.

“Florida,” Ashlyn says, like it's obvious. “Thanksgiving.”

“I thought you were coming to my family’s for Thanksgiving,” Ali says slowly.

“No, did we talk about that?”

Ali thinks back on it and realizes they never really did, but it was implied. “No, but we didn't talk about you leaving either.”

“I'm just spending the holiday with them like usual,” Ashlyn says. “If I had known you were planning on me, I would have worked around it.”

“It's not even that,” Ali says. “Why didn't you ask me to come?”

“I figured you'd have your normal plans here,” Ashlyn says.

“That doesn't mean I want to do them by myself,” Ali replies. “Mac is going to be with Brent, and my only plan is Thanksgiving dinner with my family. If you aren't here, I'm spending the rest of the weekend alone.”

“You can still come,” Ashlyn says. “I can get you a ticket.”

“Well no,” Ali says. “Kyle’s coming. I'm not going to just leave.”

“So why can't he keep you company for the weekend?” Ashlyn asks.

“He will for like Thursday and Friday, but then he leaves.”

“So I'm supposed to make my plans around you so you don't have to entertain yourself for two days?” Ashlyn laughs. “I'm coming back Sunday night, and so is Mac. You'll survive.”

“Excuse me for wanting to be an important part of your decision-making process,” Ali grumbles. “I tell you every time I'm doing anything that might possibly affect you.”

“How was I supposed to know that me wanting to see my own family would affect you?”

“Because we’re in a relationship!” Ali exclaims, exasperated. “Everything you do affects me, and vice versa!”

“Sounds like a stressful relationship,” Ashlyn says, rolling her eyes.

“Because the one you'd rather have with no communication is better.”

“I've been communicating, Alex!” Ashlyn says. “You know what I want, you know why I want it, and you know how much I love you. That's way more than most people can say about their own relationships.”

“Maybe I need more.”

“Have you ever thought maybe I need more too?” Ashlyn exclaims. “I need more than a girlfriend who only wants me around because she doesn't know how to be alone.”

“That's bullshit and you know it.”

“Is it?” Ashlyn asks. “Why else would you have pressured me into moving in before I was ready? And made me leave a job I loved because it took too much time from you? It's funny though, all the things you want to happen in order to keep me around and keep yourself from being sad and lonely require effort on my part and zero compromise on yours.”

“You chose to move in and get a new job,” Ali says. “I supported you and encouraged you, but you chose those things. You're a grown-up, Ashlyn.”

“Really? Because you treat me like I'm a child!” Ashlyn exclaims.

“How have I ever treated you like a child?” Ali's voice raises as her blood boils.

“Where do I even begin? You want to know what I'm doing at all times, you only encourage me to make choices that benefit you, you don't think I can possibly know what I want for my future because I didn't get pregnant when I was 20 and magically discover all the secrets of the world. Stop me, because I could go on!”

“You are such a bitch,” Ali grits through her teeth. “When will you stop holding the one thing you know I'm the most sensitive about over my head?”

“Maybe when you admit that this relationship is bad for both of us and the only reason you won't end it is because you're terrified of being alone.”

“Mommy?” A small voice interrupts their conversation as the door opens a crack. “Are you okay?”

Ali takes a deep breath through her nose and wipes her tears quickly as not to alarm Mackenzie. “I'm fine, sweetheart,” she says, walking to the door. “You should be in bed.”

“I was but I heard you yelling and I got scared and couldn't sleep.”

Ashlyn leans her head back and stares at the ceiling, her eyes welling up as she hears Ali tenderly whisper to Mac to relax her and bring her back to her room. She knows there's no coming back from this, and when Ali comes back into the room, her fears are confirmed.

“You should probably stay at the Hollinses for a while,” Ali says. “We can pack up your things sometime when Mackenzie isn't here. I don't want to put her through that.”

“Alex—”

“Please don't,” Ali says, her voice devoid of any tone or energy. “I know you're still packing for your trip, so I'll go sleep in the guest room. Have a safe flight.”

Ashlyn lies on her stomach, burying her face in Ali’s pillow as she cries. It's so cliche, she thinks, to break up during the holidays. She was going to take Mackenzie to make Ali’s Christmas present when they got back from Thanksgiving. She already has a bracelet in her nightstand that she bought for Ali, and the thought of never giving it to her makes her cry harder.

She can't be sure if Ali’s crying because that would require her to stop sobbing for long enough to listen, but she has to imagine she's not, at least not until she's sure Mackenzie is asleep and won't hear her.

Ashlyn reaches for her phone to text Brian. “Can I stay with you guys for a little while after the holiday?” she asks. “I'll be out by the new year, promise.”

“You're always welcome as long as you want or need,” he replies. “Is everything ok?”

“No,” she replies. “But thank you. Happy Thanksgiving.”

~

There's no more fighting after Thanksgiving, just logistics. Ali feels numb as she watches Ashlyn pack a small bag to bring to Brian and Carli’s on Sunday night.

“We need to talk to Mac,” Ashlyn says. “Before Georgia catches wind of whatever’s going on.”

“I'll talk to her.”

“Ali, please let me be part of this,” Ashlyn says. “You know how much she means to me.”

Ali blinks slowly a few times before responding. “Fine.”

So when Mac gets home just an hour or so before bedtime, her excitement to see her mommy and Ashlyn again is short-lived.

Ashlyn follows Ali into Mac’s room to tuck her in, and they sit on either side of her, a tight squeeze in a full bed, but nothing impossible. She looks at Ali for guidance, but Ali stares at Mac’s hands as she plays with them nervously.

“Baby, we have some sad news,” Ali says, figuring there's no escaping the truth.

“What?” Mackenzie asks, her face falling.

“Ashlyn isn't going to live here anymore.”

“No!” Mackenzie exclaims, looking over at Ashlyn. “Why?”

“Well, I'm going to go back to where I used to live, with Georgia, remember? But just for a little bit, then I'll be finding my own place to live.”

“And we’ll come live with you?”

“No,” Ashlyn says. It's so much harder than she thought it would be. “You'll stay here with Mommy.”

“But why?” Mackenzie asks, her eyes filling with tears. She looks so much like Ali when she's sad, and it breaks Ashlyn’s heart all over again.

“We aren't going to be in a relationship anymore,” Ali says. “But we still love each other very much.”

“If you love each other, why are you leaving?” she asks, looking at Ashlyn.

Ashlyn sighs, welling up as she looks over at Ali. How is she supposed to explain to a 7-year-old something she isn't even sure how to explain to herself?

“She's not leaving,” Ali says. “She's still going to be our friend. She can still come to Wednesday night dinners with us and have lunch with you at school. She's not going to live in our house, but that's okay. We can visit her in her new house and help her decorate and go swimming and do all those fun things we do together now.”

Ashlyn squeezes Ali’s hand behind Mackenzie’s head and smiles tightly, not able to do much more than that without breaking down in tears.

“I don't get it,” Mackenzie cries, leaning into Ashlyn for comfort. “I want you to stay.”

“I know, baby, we all do,” Ashlyn says, rubbing her back like she does with Ali when she's upset. “The most important thing is that your mommy loves you so much, and I do too. That's never going to change.”

“I love you too,” Mackenzie says, wiping her eyes and nose on Ashlyn’s shirt. She sits up and reaches under her pillow, pulling out the sweatshirt Ashlyn gave her months ago when she was sick. “Do you need this back?”

“No,” Ashlyn says. “You keep it.”

“Okay good,” Mackenzie says, holding it close. “It really is magic because it makes me feel better. And right now I'm really sad.”

“I am too,” Ashlyn says softly.

~

Neither Ashlyn nor Ali says it, but they both want Ashlyn to stay one more night, and they both know it's a bad idea. So when Mackenzie is finally asleep, Ali helps Ashlyn bring a few bags to her car and pretends her heart isn't shattered.

“This sucks,” Ali says.

“I know it does,” Ashlyn agrees, wrapping her arms around Ali’s shoulders. She kisses the top of her head, and Ali buries her face into Ashlyn’s neck.

“Thank you,” Ali says. “For loving me and Mackenzie.”

“I'll never stop,” Ashlyn promises. “It's been the greatest joy of my life to get to be yours. Both of yours.”

Ali sniffles, biting back a sob. “You are going to make somebody the happiest person in the world,” she says. “And I'm really glad it got to be me for a little while.”

“You are too,” Ashlyn says.

“My heart hurts,” Ali breathes, averting her eyes from Ashlyn’s lips.

“Mine does too,” Ashlyn says, bringing Ali’s hand to her heart. “One for the road?”

“Just one,” Ali whispers, leaning in for what she knows is going to be their very last kiss.

This is something people don't get very often, Ashlyn thinks. A kiss they know is going to be the last. So they both make the most of it, starting soft and letting it crescendo into a passionate embrace, neither one wanting to come up for air, hands tangled in each other’s hair. But it reaches its natural conclusion, just like they did. Ashlyn’s fingers move down to interlace with Ali’s, and Ashlyn can taste the salt of both of their tears mixing together as they break apart softly after one final peck.

“One more,” Ali says, but Ashlyn pulls away. Ali knew it wasn’t going to work. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Ashlyn replies, slowly detangling her hands from Ali’s. It takes everything in her to get in the car without another kiss or hug, but she does it, waving as she pulls out of the driveway.

She waits until she’s out of Ali’s sight to break down, and she doesn’t collect herself till she reaches Carli and Brian’s driveway and sees Georgia waiting for her. She wipes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths before getting out of the car.

“Shouldn’t you be in bed?” she asks, picking Georgia up for a hug.

“Yeah, but Daddy said I could wait up for you because I didn’t want you to be sad.”

“That’s very nice of you,” Ashlyn says, kissing the side of her head. “I am sad. I probably will be for a little while, but that’s okay. It’s just like when I left and we were both sad.”

“But now you’re back,” Georgia says, smiling like it’s the best possible outcome she could think of—and to be fair, it probably is.

“Yeah,” Ashlyn says, tears clouding her vision again. “I’m back.”


End file.
